Monday, December 24, 2012

Heart Strong


Dec. 24, 2012
Growing up, there were two families very prominent in my life.  The parents of those two families and my parents are all close friends.  Us kids grew up very close.  The Glenn’s lived across the street until I was in 8th grade and I think I spent as much time at their house as I did my own.  In fact, they are my god-parents.  The Hartman’s lived just a few miles away and we went to church together forever and we went to school, did all the youth group stuff (including Canadian wilderness canoe trips!), and all the other things that close families do together.  The three men are hunting and fishing buddies for about 45-50 years.  These are people that I have ALWAYS known.
Cora Hartman always struck me as a woman with a gentle heart.  Once, I got locked in their bathroom.  The door lock broke and I couldn’t get out.  I don’t remember how long it took to get me out of there, but with my claustrophobia, it was far too long.  In her soft, southern-Texas accent, she comforted me.  On a sleep-over once, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life.  To this day, because of this dream, my closet door has to be closed when I go to bed.  I laid there in bed crying.  Linda was across the room in her bed and I thought, “How’s she sleeping through my crying?”  That strikes me as funny now.  But, Cora had heard me from her room across the house and came and stroked my hair until I calmed down.
As I have written (ad nauseam), most of my life I’ve had a hard time being excited about Christmas.  But, one of the things I was always excited about at Christmas was getting a plate full of cookies from the Hartman’s.  Yumm!  The iced cut-out sugar cookies were my favorite!  They rank right up there with Mom’s peanut butter kisses.  The plate always arrived a few days before Christmas.  Once her daughters went off to college, the cookies stopped.  Cora would say, “My elves are no longer here to help.”  A vital part of Christmas ended just that quickly.
What most don’t know, though, is that I have carried on this tradition in my adult life.  I used to spend a couple solid days making and decorating cookies and giving them to select people at Christmas time.  Admittedly, over the last few years, the number of recipients has declined to just one family.  The busyness of life and a touch of laziness have intruded on the tradition.  There is one family though who absolutely goes bat crazy (and if you knew them you would wonder, “How do you know the difference?”) for my cookies every year.  It’s so fun to actually give them the cookies because they are so silly.
Even more than fun, it is so heartwarming to have that tradition live on, even when Cora herself does not.  Cora had her victory over cancer last Thursday night, the night I baked the cookies.  It’s a total victory because she never lost her faith or her positive attitude.  So many times, she wrote me and encouraged me in response to my blogs.  Cancer beat her body but not her spirit! 
I looked up the etymology of her name.  Cora is from the Greek meaning “Heart; Maiden” and Hartman is German for “Strong.”  Yup, her name literally means heart strong.  God knew her when she was named.  God knew her when he had her marry and take the Hartman name.  She lived life with grace, dignity, spirit, and faith.  God certainly blessed me to know her.  And, He is blessed to have her with Him in heaven.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Job Well Done

Dec. 21, 2012

Sitting here in the midst of my pity party (party of 1) with a pup by my side growling and woofing at me to get her dinner (when there is a houseful of other people who aren’t busy), I strain to make some sort of sense of what has been going on lately.  It’s overly dramatic to say I feel a bit like Job, especially when blistery, itchy, yucky bumps (Kelsey said, “they look like a ton of fire ant bites”) started coming up on my arms, hands, legs, and feet a couple of days ago, but I have to admit I’m sick of it all.  I don’t want to get into listing all the things because I am trying not to focus too much on the specifics, plus, not all of it is something I want to be public knowledge.  The short answer is that there simply is no sense in it all and I am forced to trust God and His greater plan.  So, in lieu of an answer that really makes me feel better, I’m trying my hardest to reflect on things that are upbeat, positive, and make me feel good.
I finished up a busy semester of teaching three classes at DBU.  In addition to teaching in the classroom, I invariably get to know a few of the students through emails or sitting and chatting after class.  I got one of the coolest comments from one of them this semester.  She saw me in the Patriot cafĂ© on campus and came over and sat down and said, “I just wanted to tell you that I love our class and you are in the top three of my favorite professors in college.”  It’s stunning to hear that.  We talked more and she said that she is always so shy that she doesn’t like to talk in class but that in my class she always felt safe to speak.  She attributed it to my being a counselor and knowing how to create a safe environment for sharing.
At another time, a student came up to me in class during a test to ask a question about something on the test.  I replied, “Well, what do you think?”  She said, “Are you doing counseling on me right now?”  I burst out laughing right there in the middle of the test.  It made my day.
Another favorite comment I received this past year came from a client.  He told my boss, who had seen him and noted that he was doing better, that “When I started coming to Audra, I was spiritually and emotionally constipated.  Audra was my bran muffin.”  HAHAHA  High praise indeed!!
There is no doubt that it has been a tough year, especially the last few months.  Disappointingly, I have allowed it to negatively affect my mood and attitude.  I have focused more on the negative than on God’s blessings which are many.  I am blessed with an incredible support system that has not ever even come close to letting me down.  I am blessed with a husband who loves me like none other, even when I have my meltdowns.  I work in a counseling center that is so great I don’t feel like I’m going to work.  I teach which blesses me in hanging out with the students and keeping my skills honed.  And, I am blessed to write which helps me process the crud that goes through my mind and always helps me feel better.  And, of course, there are my kids.
I admit I have a bit of Job’s wife in me.  She advised Job to just curse God and renounce his faith.  Be done with it.  I’ll be honest, I have cursed God.  But I refuse to renounce my faith.  So, beyond all other blessings, I am blessed to have a God who will take it from me, who wants it from me, and who can look beyond the anger and see the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, and the frustration……and see my love for Him.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Dreams Come True

Dec. 13, 2012

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had dreams – things I want to experience, things I want to accomplish, places I want to go, and even things I want to have.  I think dreaming is so important in life because it reminds you what is possible.  I’m not sure if I totally go along with the adage, “If you can dream it, then you can get it.”  But, the converse is absolutely true, “If you don’t dream it, you won’t attain it.”  Because, without the dream, how do you make a goal and a plan to reach it?
Last weekend, I was honored to witness a dream come true.  My beloved Rachel married her dream man.  So many prayers were lifted for this day to come.  She stayed faithful and so did God.  I’ve never seen her look more radiant.  I have no doubt that she and Quenton have many dreams for their new life together.
In a conversation at the wedding reception, someone so wisely said that you have to feed your dreams to keep them alive.  Feed them by taking steps toward that goal.  Sometimes, they are just little steps that keep the desire alive.  In applying this to me, I realized that in some ways I am doing this already.  I have a dream to take an anniversary trip to an all-inclusive resort somewhere in the tropics in the next couple of years.  I’ve started selling my lace painting again to help fund the trip but it also feeds the dream.  Every time I complete a project, I know I am one step closer to that resort.
One of my lifelong dreams, well actually for almost as long as I’ve been a mother (I was saved when I was pregnant with Kelsey), was for my kids to have a close walk with our Lord and Savior.  I don’t ever want them to experience the desert in isolation like I have.  I want them to know not just the joy of a rock solid faith, but also the contentment that such a faith provides.  I want them to know that they have a constant companion who loves them no matter what, who loves them simply because they are.  I want them to have that solid sense of self-worth and confidence that only comes when you truly grasp that love and know the cost of that love.  I want them to know with every fiber of their being that they are good enough simply because God created them and bought them with the blood of Jesus Christ.  A wise, old soul in a very young body once said to me, “I want to be so wrapped up in Christ that any man who wants to pursue me, must pursue God.”  I want my kids to be that wrapped up.
How do I feed my dream into someone else?  The obvious first answer is prayer.  That is a given.  The next obvious answer is by my example.  Living and simply being according to my faith sets an example to my kids.  Yesterday and today, I failed.  I allowed my usual Christmas “bad-itude,” which feels like it is on steroids this year, win.  I say this now not to excuse it but rather to expose it to the Light.  Otherwise, darkness continues to grow.  Dreams, especially this dream, grow in the Light.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A Glimpse of the Other Side

Nov. 27, 2012

I cried in session today.  It doesn’t happen often but today as I heard the recounting of a God-moment my heart was touched to a point of tears.  Obviously, for confidentiality reasons, I cannot go into the details of this story.  This, by the way, is one of the downsides of being a counselor.  I see and hear so many cool things and I can’t really talk about it.  I will tell a tiny part, just barely enough for you to get the gist.  I heard a story of evil and its subsequent tragedy thrust upon a family to such a magnitude that you could never even anticipate or imagine such a thing.  Hearing the story was heart wrenching.  But, hearing the God-moment was heart inspiring.
Over the past couple of weeks, a theme of heaven has been running through my counseling sessions.  Questions such as “Will I know or recognize my loved ones in heaven?” and “Is there awareness between here and heaven?” have been asked of me more than once.  I don’t think the bible answers these questions.  So, we are left to surmise what we can based on our knowledge of God and his character, the few things we can draw on scripturally, and personal experience.  I’ve always had an interest in near-death experiences and within the last year I’ve read a couple of books that were interesting on that subject.  I whole-heartedly recommend reading Heaven Is For Real which recounts little Colton Burpo’s story of visiting heaven.  Proof of Heaven is another interesting read because it adds an extra twist: the author went to hell first.  Yes, there are contradictions from book to book and there are theology differences, too.  But, there are common threads woven through the stories as well.
When I hear a grieving mother tell me she prayed for God to give her a glimpse of the other side so that she can know her daughter is okay, my first thought was “That’s a cool prayer.  I don’t think I would have ever thought to ask that.”  When God answered her and said, “She is closer to me than she has ever been,” I got chills…and tears.  She is in heaven, right there with God.  You can’t be any closer. 
It’s comforting to have the assurance that your loved one is in heaven communing with God.  It’s a thought that could make you long for heaven.  Until today, though, I’d never taken this to a point that says, “If I commune with God through worship and prayer, and the departed commune with God through worship and heavenly presence, then, aren’t we also, in that moment of worship, all communing together?”  If everyone and every being in heaven praises God and we, here on Earth, are worshipping too, then doesn’t that bring a closeness between us and the ones who have departed and are now in heaven?  If being in heaven means I get to commune with God, then am I not in a form of heaven when I worship and commune with Him now?
To wrap it up, today while driving the three different times I drove today, I heard three times the song, “Your Presence is Heaven to Me.”  God certainly has a way of adding the bow to the wrapped gift.
 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

You Just Never Know...

Nov. 8, 2012

On Tuesdays, I teach two classes at DBU.  I have one student who is in both classes.  This past Tuesday after my first class, she walked and drove with me to the International building where I teach the second class.  I love interacting with students like this.  She explained to me that she also works in the International building and as we walked in together, the International students (Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese, etc.) all knew her and greeted her.  After one young lady hugged my student, I looked at her and we both recognized each other at that moment.
A year ago last August and one week into the semester, I was walking out to my car after teaching my class.  There is a secluded place along the sidewalk that has a couple of benches and tall shrubs around.  When I passed the benches I noticed a young Asian girl sobbing all by herself.  I stopped and told her that I couldn’t possibly just keep walking by and I sat down beside her.  She smiled a beautiful smile and had such a gentleness and innocence in her eyes.  Keep in mind that I am horrible with understanding accents and I really get embarrassed when I have to ask a person to constantly repeat what they are saying because I can’t understand them.  So, reaching out to her was easy, understanding her was incredibly difficult.
Through her very broken English, I learned she had just come to America to go to DBU two weeks earlier and she was incredibly alone and regretting her decision.  She felt so lost.  I remember asking her why she decided to come to DBU and she said she had been told that DBU is a place where she could be who she really is.  But, she didn’t know who she really was.  I asked if she had made any friends in the short time she had been here.  She hadn’t.  I encouraged her to spend time at the International building, get to know people, and talk to her advisor.  I asked her if she wanted my number so she could call me and we could meet for lunch the following week.  She walked with me to my car and I got a business card and gave it to her.  As I drove off, I looked back at her and she was standing there hugging her books in one arm and grasping my card in the other and waving good bye to me.  She was smiling.
She never called me and I often wondered what happened to her.  A few months later I saw her in the library and she remembered me and greeted me and gave me a hug and said she was liking DBU.  I hadn’t seen her again until this week when I was walking into the International building.  Her English was remarkably better and she looked genuinely happy.  My student was surprised that we recognized each other and the girl (I still don’t know her name!) told my student, “Without her (pointing at me), I wouldn’t be here today.  She’s the reason I stayed.”
Geez Louise!  What do you say to that?  Like a dork I said, “Really??!!”  She just beamed.  Pretty cool.  It just goes to show that you can never be sure how you are impacting someone.  You may never know.  But, we don’t have to know.  The importance lies in our walk with God and how we demonstrate that to others.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Looking For Healing (in all the wrong places?)

Nov. 7, 2012

Over the last two and a half years, I’ve prayed for healing.  I’ve prayed for it like I never have before.  It’s a prayer that honestly, at this point, feels discouraging.  Yet, I pray.  I pray because I need that connection to God.  I pray because I recognize He is the one in control, especially when I feel like I have absolutely no control in this at all.  I pray because I know so many other people are praying and it motivates me to continue.  I pray because I am instructed to (“Is anyone among you suffering?  Then he must pray.” James 4:13).  Actually, it is really a command to pray.  So, I pray.
I’ve not seen healing.  Kelsey still struggles.  It’s so hard.  There have been times during this time (I hate to call it a “season” as so many people do because, to me, it romanticizes it.  It tries to make it seem better than what it is.) that I have felt spiritually strong, emotionally strong, spiritually weak, and emotionally weak.  I’ve also had my times of anger.  Now is one of those times.  I HATE that this is happening.  I find no rhyme or reason to it.  It feels so senseless.  And these things fuel an anger in me that makes me want to pound something – a lot.
So, to battle it I try so hard to stay more cognitive and less emotion-focused.  Yes, that is the counselor in me.  Plus, I don’t have a punching bag anymore and my ankles can’t handle kickboxing anymore either.  In my effort to stay cognitive, I’ve wondered in times such as these if healing can occur that is something other than the physical healing I’ve been praying for.  If so, what does that healing look like?  Would I or can I be satisfied with that?
My first response to it is to recoil because I hate the idea that God causes things to happen so that we can learn from them.  I just don’t believe He works that way.  The Bible clearly says that God is not the author of chaos.  Certainly He allows consequences from our actions to discipline us but I simply cannot believe that He brings calamity just so I can have a learning opportunity.  I absolutely think, though, that it is our job to learn from all situations.  The greater tragedy would be to learn nothing at all.
My next response comes from Sharon.  When I posed the healing question to her, without hesitation, she said, “yes.”  Six weeks ago, she and her husband Ralph were in a severe and traumatic car crash.  As Ralph continues to recover from his traumatic brain injury, he has changed.  No longer burdened by work stress and with a newfound recognition of the fragility of life, she explained, he is back to “the man I fell in love with.  That is a sort of healing.”
I’m left wondering, if I am to be totally truthful, if I am just searching for some way in which my prayers have been answered in an effort to abate my anger.  I just don’t know.  I understand the point of Sharon’s response.  I had an idea of my answer when I asked her and we agree.  Maybe the healing I see so far is a deepening of my faith.  Never until now did I have to confidence in my faith to express my anger to God.  Never until now did I have the unwavering confidence that God is still with me even when I feel alone.  That is all well and good and I am glad that I can honestly profess these things.  But, if I am being that honest, then I have to admit that I am not satisfied with that healing.  Plus, with that answer, healing becomes about me and not about Kelsey.  So then I am back to square one with my prayers being unanswered … for now.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Divine or Not Divine

Nov. 1, 2012

I’ll be honest.  I’ve had difficulty over the past couple of weeks seeing God’s work in my life.  And yet, when I admit that, I feel guilt.  Is that a true or convicted guilt or is it a false guilt?  False guilt is that guilt you feel when you inappropriately blame yourself or take responsibility for something that is not yours to own.  Convicted guilt is the guilt you feel when you have legitimately done something wrong.  I think it is the Holy Spirit prompting you to right the wrong.
What keeps coming to me on this is that it is a convicted guilt because I must be missing God’s work.  Why would He suddenly stop working in my life?  That makes no sense.  Or, am I seeing His work and attributing it to something “non-divine?”  So many times I have explained to people that God can fulfill all of our needs.  But, how can He fulfill my need for touch?  How can He fulfill my need for person-to-person companionship or comfort?  Through other people.  God uses people to minister to other people to fulfill those needs.  He uses people to administer His blessings, too.
I recognize this and believe it fully.  I know that my sisters (biological, chosen, and in Christ) are delivery systems for God’s comfort during this time of pain, unanswered questions, uncertainty in medical decisions, and illness.  When Lisa listens so intently to me when I talk about this struggle, it is so comforting not just because she cares but because I know she is listening to discern exactly what to pray for.  Having great belly laughs with them lifts my spirit.  Knowing they are praying earnestly for all of us because they love us props me up.  Seeing them get emotional with me lets me know I am not alone in this journey.
Additionally, if I refuse blessings or gifts offered to me and my family, I am refusing the opportunity for God to bless me through these people.  This one is so hard to accept.  When we found out that we were going to Mayo in Minnesota, so many people offered us either money or airline flights for the trip.  People that I rarely even talk to came forth in this.  I turned them all down.  Then my sister found my soft spot: she paid for a deep clean house cleaning.  She knew that I neither had the energy or the time to do my own housework.  What she didn’t know is that my usual cleaning goddess was out of state to care for her sick sister and couldn’t clean my house.  But, God knew that.  It’s harder to accept the “bigger ticket” things because we are not in the poor house.  Pride is also a factor.  So much so, that in even discussing this, I feel like I have a hand out asking for something.  What I need to work hard to remember is that God can well be using these people to bless us.  Someone else, out of the blue, approached me and offered us her ranch house for a weekend.  She didn’t say why.  She just did it.  I know why.
So, when I come back around to my original statement of not seeing God’s work lately in my life, I think it comes from a place of timidity.  I hesitate in saying that this is always God’s handiwork.  Why is that?  Why do I resist the idea that God would consistently work this way in my life?  Or maybe I am just scared of you getting tired of hearing the same thing over and over again.  I’ve talked several times already about how God has ministered to me through other people.  So, there is the guilt.  It stems from a refusal or hesitancy to openly, consistently, and gloriously proclaim God’s blessings as indeed divine.  I’m caring more about what you think than what God thinks.
It is time to repent!  My dear family, sisters, prayer warriors, and friends, you have most assuredly been used!  God uses you to minister to and to bless me and my family through your continuous, thoughtful, and specific prayers.  God uses you to generously bless us emotionally, spiritually, and materially and in ways I never thought of.  God uses you to teach me humility.  God uses you to show me his lovingkindness and steadfast faithfulness.  Thank you.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Write On!

Oct. 26, 2012

I started writing this blog for one reason: to remind me to look for God’s presence in my life regularly, if not daily.  I need this reminder because that process isn’t natural for me.  Historically, I’ve been one to feel so distant from God during times of struggle.  Or, to be more accurate, God always felt far from me during those times.  But, I recognize the old saying is true: “If you feel far from God, who moved?”  God is ever-present so if He truly is everywhere all the time, then how can He move away from me?  So, of course, that leaves the migration to me.  To combat this feeling that is actually a lie, I look to see how God is with me.  When I see Him, I can feel Him.  He is tangible.
I’ve realized a few great side benefits to my writing.  First, it makes me take a little time to do something that is just for me.  It is a time that feeds me intellectually.  There have been many times that I gain a new insight about myself, my situation, my faith, or whatever during the process of writing.  It is a time of personal growth.
There is something different about going a step further and writing about seeing God working rather than just making a mental note of it.  It’s going deeper still (high 5 Bible study sisters!).  Writing not only feeds me intellectually, it feeds me spiritually.  When I see God work in my life, it is rock solid proof that He loves me.  God is outside of time.  Time is an earthly concept that is tied only to the Earth’s revolution, both of itself and of its part in the solar system revolving around the sun.  But God is not bound to just Earth; God is everywhere.  So, because God is outside of time, then He sees all time at once.  He sees past, present, and future all laid out before Him.  So, if you think about it, God sees all that ever was and all that is and all that ever will be at the same time.  And, in all of that, He sees little, tiny, SIGNIFICANT me.  I know I am significant because in all that He sees, past, present, and future, He works in my life and makes Himself known to me.  That concept alone feeds my spirit.
Finally, writing has become my therapy.  There have been times when I couldn’t sleep or times when I just needed to express what was on my heart.  Sitting down and writing calmed me.  Other times, it has served as a form of “talking myself into it” when I needed to hear that God was still here with me and that He cared.  Writing is also a sort of self-validation because there are certainly times when I re-read certain posts because I need to hear it again.  I need to remind myself.
So, my little jaunt into the blog-o-sphere has served me well.  I never thought this would be so fruitful for me.  I’ve grown personally, my faith has deepened and solidified, and I’ve even heard that others are enriched by it too.  A great win-win!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Gifted

Oct. 17, 2012

I remember the first time I picked up a book on lace painting.  I was in Hobby Lobby looking for an idea that I could paint at both ends of a scripture I had painted on Lettia's wall.  I looked at the cover and thought, "I can do this."  It was a confidence that said, "I can" not "I'll try."  I bought the book, paint, a paintbrush, and transfer paper.

I picked out a design and roughly practiced it once and then painted it on the wall.  It looked pretty good.  So, I bought a plain hinged unfinished box and stained it and chose a design that would look good on the lid.  Because I tend slightly toward the night-owlish, I started to work on it at 10 pm.  By midnight, I was really excited about how good it was looking.  By 12:30, I couldn't contain myself anymore and I woke up Tim to show him.  Have I said lately just how wonderful (and wonderfully patient) Tim is?
Lettia's wall and my first lace painting

That box now resides on Lettia's desk (I just realized that she got my first and second painting projects.  How’d that happen?).  By now, I've painted many boxes, serving trays, and a platter.  I love the painting and making money from it is a great side benefit.  What's odd to me is that I have to drag myself to do it even though I really enjoy it once I do.  I don't understand that at all.

We are all gifted.  Each gift is as individual as the person who has it.  Each gift is from God.  If God gave me this gift, then surely there is a point to it.  Usually when you recognize your gift, it is easier to discern the point of it.  There is always a method to the madness.  Is that too sacrilegious to compare God's plans to madness?  Maybe so.

Lately, there seems to be so much chaos around me.  I think more and more that the counseling center that I am a part of is under spiritual attack.  Several of us counselors are struggling with things right now, including my boss (and friend!) and her husband being hit and severely injured by a hit and run driver while sitting still at a traffic light just six days before their daughter's wedding.  It took 2 1/2 years to figure out a diagnosis that should cover all Kelsey health struggles and after this long of a journey it is a little hard to totally believe.  Aron has had strep throat twice in a month. 

In processing this as I write, I realize the things I get from lace painting: satisfaction, distraction, escape, and a sense of peace while doing it.  Perhaps I have been thinking about the painting wrong.  It has felt like just one more thing on my plate to take care.  That plate is already so full. But, in reality, the painting supplies a better escape than vegging in front of the TV.  God has given me the gift but I have to step away from what I feel and rest in the faith that He knows what is good for me.

“And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest, but to those who were disobedient?  So we see that they were not able to enter because of unbelief.  Therefore, let us fear if, while a promise remains of entering His rest, any one of you may seem to have come short of it.  For indeed we have had good news preached to us, just as they also; but the word they heard did not profit them, because it was not united by faith in those who heard.  For we who have believed enter that rest, just as He has said.”

~ ~ Hebrews 3:18-4:3

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Deep and Wide

Oct. 4, 2012

A large part of my job as a counselor is to help people learn to love and accept themselves – not just as how they should love themselves but how God loves them.  It is astounding how many people don’t fully grasp and accept the love that God has for them.
I used to be one of those people.  I used to know only my worthlessness.  I used to know only that I am dirty.  I was shameful in its truest sense – full of shame.  I can’t say that I ever hated myself but I sure didn’t like what I saw.  And, if I didn’t like what I saw, then how could anyone else?
“Does God love you?” I asked.
“The Bible says He does.  So, yes,” she said.  It’s the Sunday school answer.
“Why would He love you?  How do you know?  What proof do you have?”  I pushed further.
“Because Jesus died for me,” she responded.
“And, He made you.  He made you and bought you.  You are His twice over,” I said.
“I just wish I felt it,” she said.
“What are you expecting to feel?” I asked.  I get a stunned look in response.
“Well that’s a good question.  I don’t know.”
“Are you expecting a warm and ooshy gooshy love feeling?”  She knows me well enough to know that I am not mocking her.  We sit in silence for a moment as she ponders the question.  “Warm and ooshy gooshy isn’t what I feel.”
She asked the obvious next question.
Once I fully got it, once I really grasped that God loved me for no other reason than that He created me and He bought me with the blood of Jesus Christ, my confidence grew.  No longer was my self-worth based on what I thought of myself.  No longer was it based on knowing that someone else devalued me.  No longer was it based on what I could or couldn’t do or who I did or didn’t know.  God loves me because I am me.  Plain and simple.
With accepting that truth, the possibility of failure loses its sting.  I no longer shrink from challenges.  With knowing God’s devotion and longing for me, I no longer doubt His presence in my life.  With understanding His steadfast love for me, I can be angry with Him and know that it is OK.  Fully realizing God’s unfailing, unconditional, unchanging love gives me a confidence that says, “I’m OK.”  Someone may not like me and that may hurt my feelings but that doesn’t affect me to my core.  I may fail horribly at something and I’ll be disappointed in myself but that doesn’t affect me to my core.  I’m OK because God says I am. 
It’s hard to say exactly how you come to fully realize this.  Part of it is coming to a point of being so tired of carrying the old junk that holds you down that you decide to try something new.  The old way of thinking doesn’t get you where you want to be so you have to try thinking something different.  If holding onto lies fails you, then what do you do?  Hold on to the truth.
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
                                                                                                                ~ ~ Eph. 3:16-19

Thursday, September 27, 2012

10,000 Kamp Blessings

September 28, 2012

While I was driving in the car the other day, my niece and my daughter were in the backseat talking.  I heard one say to the other, “I miss camp.”  My heart warmed.  Every year, camp is the third week of June and here it is the end of September and they are missing camp.  We must be doing something right.  Of course, in saying that I recognize we can’t take most of the credit.  God works through every single person, camper and staff, to make camp special and memorable.
We call the camp “Kamp Koinonia.”  Yes, camp with a “K.”  That then makes all the campers “Kampers” and the cooks “Kooks.”  Koinonia means “communion by intimate participation.”  Is there a more perfect name for a church camp where 100 people spend a solid 7 days eating, sleeping, sitting, playing, worshipping, and sweating together? The fellowship triangle is always at work at camp.  As we focus on God and draw near to Him, we draw nearer to each other.
You Me

Just a few minutes after the comment, a song titled, “10,000 Reasons,” came on the radio and, from the backseat, I heard, “Awww.  The wake up song.”  The truth is I miss camp too.  There are so many great memories made every year.  This year, on our way up to camp the day before it started, Lila and I realized we both loved the same new song, “10,000 Reasons.”  I love it because I never really thought about how my soul praising the Lord blesses Him.  It’s a new perspective for me.

Then, of course, we couldn’t get it off our minds.  We sang it all the time…well the parts that we knew…and sometimes on key.  We would go around asking people, “Hey, do you know the song ’10,000 Reasons’?”  Much to our delight, they never did.  So we sang it to them.  I think (well, I’m pretty sure) we got more enjoyment out of it than they did.  At one point, after just a short day or two, when we asked some poor unsuspecting soul our question, Kelsey muttered, “Just tell’em you know it.”  It makes me laugh to this day!
Then Judy, another of the girls’ counselors, found it on her iPod and she had small speakers to play it on.  Every morning, she would come in playing it on the speakers to wake everyone up.  Thus, “the wake up song.”  It is a song that will forever have this association for me.
Camp is hard work.  There are months and months of preparation.  It takes a staff of about 30 adults to make it work.  It’s hot.  It’s sweaty.  It’s exhausting.  It’s sleep-depriving.  And, it’s one of the best weeks of the year.

 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Should've Been Me

Sept. 20, 2012

I was driving this afternoon and thinking about two different things at the same time.  I’m not sure if that is being a bit scattered or it is giftedness.  So, I’ll just choose to land on the positive one.  I was thinking about Kelsey and her new diagnosis of Lyme and what suffering she has been through over the last 2 ½ years.  I so admire her and the grace and sheer determination she has displayed during this time.  As a mom, I want to take it from her.  It hurts so much to see her hurt.  I’d so much rather just have it myself.  “Why couldn’t it have been me?” I thought.
I was also wondering and praying about what I would write about this week.  “God, what do you want me to write?” I asked aloud.  It was then that my attention was drawn to a song introduction that gave the motivation for writing the song.  The artist was leading worship at a summer church camp and he asked the kids what had impacted them the most over the week.  One stood up and said, “I’ve always known that Jesus died for our sins but what hit me this week is that it really should have been me up there.”  The artist said he had never heard it put this way and it stuck with him so he wrote a song about it.
It’s so unfair that Jesus had to pay for my sins.  He bore the persecution, the pain, the guilt, and the scars for me.  But God took that payment, and therefore, I am free.  Through His mighty gift of grace, He took care of me.  I can’t quite describe how it all works together, but in the same way that God took care of Jesus, took him from his pain, and even raised him in victory over it, I believe that God will work the same with Kelsey.  Someone told me yesterday that God knows Kelsey and that He will take care of her.  In the wake of hearing the diagnosis yesterday, I had a hard time hearing that.  Today, I get it a little better. 
I still wish that it would’ve been me to get this illness.  Now, though, I know that because God knows Kelsey, He will raise her in victory over this damned illness.
The song is “Should’ve Been Me” by Citizen Way.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Forgiveness - Part 2 of 2

September 14, 2012

Two is Better than One
     As with all walks in life, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual, it is important to have at least one companion who can listen to you, with whom you can reveal your innermost feelings, and who can provide solid, sound, and Biblical guidance.  I was lucky enough to have a few people willing to take the walk with me: people who would love me no matter what, people who could teach me about forgiveness, and people who would just sit and listen or hold me when I cried.  While the task of forgiveness can be done alone, I am not sure that I could have done it without support.  Please do not misunderstand and think that I am discounting the ever-loving and all-knowing presence of God.  Not at all.  Indeed, God realizes the importance of Christian support as evidenced by his urging us to not “give up meeting together” and to “encourage one another” (Heb. 10:25).  Also, Jesus, when dispatching the disciples to spread the gospel, sent them in pairs knowing that they needed the support that each would give.
     On my path, I had recognized that I needed to forgive my grandmother, not so much for her sake, but for my own.  I knew that, in trying to punish her with my unforgiveness, I was only punishing myself more.  And, I truly understood that her judgment was not my task but God’s and that only God could truly judge her heart.
Opening Your Heart
     Prayer is another step on the path to healing.  Pray for yourself.  Pray for the strength and endurance to complete the walk.  Pray for the wisdom necessary to handle the struggles and the obstacles that will surely come your way.  Pray for God to open your heart to true forgiveness.  Then, pray for the one you need to forgive.  Jesus, in his Sermon on the Mount, preached, “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:44).  At first, it may well feel like a forced prayer spoken begrudgingly.  But, as you continue praying, your heart will begin to soften.  By sincerely praying for someone, you are wishing them the best.  It is contradictory to pray for someone and still wish them harm.
     Another vital step in forgiveness is developing compassionate eyes.  The inherent and implied attitude in unforgiveness is judgmentalism.  In condemning others, it is easy to forget that I am a sinner too.  Sin is sin in God’s eyes – one is not less (or more) offensive than another.  It is man that puts values on sins, as evidenced by our legal system.  So, when we judge others, we are essentially comparing our own sins to theirs.  I don’t want to stack my sins up against anyone else.
     The step from prayer to the actual moment of forgiveness is difficult to describe.  Sometimes, the final step is a result of time, distance, and prayer allowing a slow release of the burden.  Sometimes, that moment of forgiveness comes in a flood of emotion.  Either way, I believe that God’s grace invited through unceasing prayer is the catalyst in the final step.
     It is necessary at this point, after making the choice to forgive, spending time in prayer, and consciously battling judgmentalism, to remember that Satan sees you moving on the right path.  That is always his cue to get busy.  He will put obstacles and temptations in your way.  Things that were once easy may now suddenly become difficult.  Negative thoughts in your head may become more insistent and pervasive in your daily life.  He may spawn a spirit of doubt that will have you think that this task is too big or too painful to accomplish.  I am always mindful of what happened just after Jesus was baptized and God spoke those incredible words, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased” (Matt. 3:17). Right after that is when Jesus went into the desert and was tempted by Satan.  If it happened to Jesus, it can certainly happened to us.
     Although I have laid out some steps that are common to most who walk the path to forgiveness, the path is still unique to each individual.  There are different times, different places, different reasons, different prayers, and different struggles for everyone.  Sometimes forgiveness comes in a slow growth to where one day you realize the burden is just a bit lighter than the day before.  Sometimes it comes easily.  Sometimes it is a long, arduous process culminating at a soul-moving moment.
The End of the Walk
     It had been a year or more since I decided to forgive my grandmother.  The burden was too heavy and the wounds far too old.  It was time.  I stepped onto the path.  I prayed for God to open my heart.  I prayed for the strength to do it.  And, I prayed for my grandmother.  And, I began to see her weakness with some compassion.  It was hard.  For so many years, my anger and resentment bolstered my strength.  Letting it go made me feel weak.
     Paul, in 2 Cor. 12:9-10, said, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
     It was at my grandmother’s funeral that I completed my path.  For the observer, it would have appeared that I was overcome with grief.  Instead, I had realized how strong I was through forgiveness.  That day, anger and resentment was replaced with the love of Christ and I never felt stronger.  It was overwhelming.  The relief I felt from releasing the burden was so great that I even felt regret for not forgiving her sooner.  I had wasted so much energy dragging that burden throughout my life.
     I used to so wish that the abuse had never happened to me.  Now I know that it is just a part of who I am.  I am not defined by it.  It is not my entire identity.  I also know now that I would not be the person I am today without this part of me.  God’s plan wasn’t for me to go through all that.  That was Satan’s plan.  I am now at a place of acceptance that is embraced by self-love that is only possible by fully receiving God’s love.  I am a child of God and I am worthy and full of hope.  And, by the grace of God, I am strong!
And now, for your listening enjoyment, one of my current favorites!
 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Forgiveness - Part 1 of 2

September 5, 2012

I originally wrote this article about five years ago just for myself.  The timing then just wasn’t right to publish it or to share.  The time is right now.  It is too long for just one posting so I am breaking it up into 2 segments.

Doing the Impossible
     “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matt. 6:14-15).  This verse is one of the reasons that I left God for about ten years.  There were other reasons, too, but this was certainly among them.  How could God possibly expect me to forgive the unforgivable?  And, because I am not able to do the impossible, now He condemns me—He cannot forgive me!  How is that possible?  How could God fault me for not being able to do the impossible?
     For about ten years of my childhood I was sexually molested by my grandfather.  Nobody knew about it—except my grandmother.  It left me with so many open wounds, so much baggage: shame, guilt, anger, depression, hopelessness, and rage.  All of this because of one sick person (to me, he was always just a sick bastard) and one very weak person.
     Surprisingly, I found it much more difficult to deal with the weak person.  It was not at her hands that I suffered the abuse.  But, it was her weakness that let it continue.  In her weakness, she could not, or did not, protect me.  That is why forgiving her was the hardest and most soul-wrenching thing I have ever had to do.
     Yes, had to.  I had to do it.  I had to for my healing.  And, I had to in order to be right with God.  I had to learn to do the impossible.
The Circle of Forgiveness
     I envision the process of forgiveness as a circle with steps along the way.  Coming full circle would mean that forgiveness was given and received and a relationship is renewed, and sometimes even strengthened.  But, what if forgiveness is not received?  What if the other person does not want or feel the need to be forgiven?  What if the other person is no longer alive?  What if renewing a relationship with that person is not emotionally or spiritually healthy for the one forgiving?  Forgiveness still needs to be given.  Jesus did not put conditions or exceptions on his command.  He simply said, “forgive others.”
     The circle does not have to be completed for forgiveness to do its work.  A renewed relationship is not required.  To forgive means to release the resentment.  You release the anger targeted at the person, you release the hatred, you release the ill-feelings and bitterness, you release the burden that binds your heart and soul.  You release it to God.
     Forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving – not for the one being forgiven.  Unforgiveness is a burden so heavy that it keeps you from fully reaching to God.  Unforgiveness disguises itself as strength because anger and resentment feel powerful.  Unforgiveness is a wall that is erected in the hopes of never being hurt again.  But, within that wall are unhealed wounds, loneliness, and a guardedness that robs you of close relationships.
The Medicine of Forgiveness
     Forgiving my grandmother was for me, not for her.  I know that she was sincerely sorry for the choices she made.  I know that she wanted a renewed relationship with me.  But, I could not do what she wanted.  Being around her kept my memories too close to the surface.  It felt like pouring alcohol on my wounds.  I do not believe that time heals all wounds.  However, time and distance can help dull the memory as well as the edge of anger allowing room for forgiveness to begin.  Forgiveness, for the one forgiving, heals open wounds.  Clinging to the hurt, holding a grudge, or feeling the anger only infects the wounds.  Forgiveness is the antibiotic.
Choosing the Path
     Forgiveness is an active choice.  It is not a passive event that just happens to you.  You make the choice and the choice requires you to do something.  The first step is, indeed, the choice to step onto the path of healing.  You decide that it is time to let the offense go and relegate it to the past where it rightfully belongs.  You decide that the burden you carry is too heavy or just not worth the effort anymore.  Or, you do it because that is what God calls you to do.
     Sometimes people refuse to forgive because it is their form of punishment.  “I’ll never let you live it down!”  “I’ll hate you for the rest of my life!”  It is as if, through forgiveness, the other person will be let off the hook.  If you remain angry and resentful, then you can keep the illusion of control.  But, you have no control over how someone else feels.  Plus, God’s punishment is far worse than anything I or anyone else can dream of or inflict.  The writer of Hebrews said, “For we know Him who said, again, ‘The Lord will judge His people.’ It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Heb. 10:30-31).
     Another misconception about forgiveness is that, if you forgive, then you are saying that what happened is OK.  That is not forgiveness at all.  Forgiveness is not condoning an action.  Sweeping things under the rug only stinks up the room.  Forgiveness is accepting what happened and releasing the continued ill feelings that prevent you from moving on.

(Part 2 next week)