I’ll be honest. I’ve
had difficulty over the past couple of weeks seeing God’s work in my life. And yet, when I admit that, I feel guilt. Is that a true or convicted guilt or is it a
false guilt? False guilt is that guilt
you feel when you inappropriately blame yourself or take responsibility for something
that is not yours to own. Convicted
guilt is the guilt you feel when you have legitimately done something
wrong. I think it is the Holy Spirit
prompting you to right the wrong.
What keeps coming to me on this is that it is a convicted
guilt because I must be missing God’s work.
Why would He suddenly stop working in my life? That makes no sense. Or, am I seeing His work and attributing it to
something “non-divine?” So many times I have
explained to people that God can fulfill all of our needs. But, how can He fulfill my need for
touch? How can He fulfill my need for
person-to-person companionship or comfort?
Through other people. God uses
people to minister to other people to fulfill those needs. He uses people to administer His blessings,
too.
I recognize this and believe it fully. I know that my sisters (biological, chosen,
and in Christ) are delivery systems for God’s comfort during this time of pain,
unanswered questions, uncertainty in medical decisions, and illness. When Lisa listens so intently to me when I
talk about this struggle, it is so comforting not just because she cares but
because I know she is listening to discern exactly
what to pray for. Having great belly
laughs with them lifts my spirit.
Knowing they are praying earnestly for all of us because they love us
props me up. Seeing them get emotional
with me lets me know I am not alone in this journey.
Additionally, if I refuse blessings or gifts offered to me
and my family, I am refusing the opportunity for God to bless me through these
people. This one is so hard to
accept. When we found out that we were
going to Mayo in Minnesota, so many people offered us either money or airline
flights for the trip. People that I
rarely even talk to came forth in this.
I turned them all down. Then my
sister found my soft spot: she paid for a deep clean house cleaning. She knew that I neither had the energy or the
time to do my own housework. What she
didn’t know is that my usual cleaning goddess was out of state to care for her
sick sister and couldn’t clean my house.
But, God knew that. It’s harder
to accept the “bigger ticket” things because we are not in the poor house. Pride is also a factor. So much so, that in even discussing this, I feel
like I have a hand out asking for something.
What I need to work hard to remember is that God can well be using these
people to bless us. Someone else, out of
the blue, approached me and offered us her ranch house for a weekend. She didn’t say why. She just did it. I know why.
So, when I come back around to my original statement of not
seeing God’s work lately in my life, I think it comes from a place of
timidity. I hesitate in saying that this
is always God’s handiwork. Why is
that? Why do I resist the idea that God
would consistently work this way in my life?
Or maybe I am just scared of you getting tired of hearing the same thing
over and over again. I’ve talked several
times already about how God has ministered to me through other people. So, there is the guilt. It stems from a refusal or hesitancy to
openly, consistently, and gloriously proclaim God’s blessings as indeed
divine. I’m caring more about what you
think than what God thinks.
It is time to repent!
My dear family, sisters, prayer warriors, and friends, you have most
assuredly been used! God uses you to
minister to and to bless me and my family through your continuous, thoughtful, and
specific prayers. God uses you to
generously bless us emotionally, spiritually, and materially and in ways I
never thought of. God uses you to teach
me humility. God uses you to show me his
lovingkindness and steadfast faithfulness.
Thank you.
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