Into Your Hands, O Lord

Jan. 23, 2013 (written)

This week my 18 year old son is going to attain one of his dreams.  I think it is safe to say that it is a life-long dream for him.  For me, I cringe.  He is buying a street bike.  I’ve heard all the slang terms for motorcycles: murder-cycle, donor-cycle, crotch rocket.  They certainly don’t help the cringe-factor so I certainly don’t need to hear them repeated to me.  But, I have to say, I am also excited for him.  I am excited for him to reach this goal.  I am proud of him.  I am excited because he is excited.

Tonight, as I requested prayers for him as he gets this street bike, I heard all the gasps (of differing varieties) and a part of me gasps just the same.  My momma’s heart gets scared of worst case scenarios.  I know that even if Aron is the safest of all motorcyclists that the other drivers on the road tend to not give the motorcycles the respect of distance and space they deserve.  But I also know that I can’t protect him from everything.  Four broken arms and stitches in his chin are proof of that.

So, I find myself saying my mantra, which is my little prayer, that I’ve used so much throughout Kelsey’s illness: “Into Your hands, O Lord.”  It’s a reference to Jesus’ last words on the cross.  With his last breath, Jesus mustered the last of his strength to cry out “with a loud voice, [and] said, ‘Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit’ (Luke 23:46).”  Jesus gave up his spirit to God who then received it.  When I say those words as my prayer, I am reminded that I am not in charge.  I am reminded that I have no control in this situation.  I am reminded that I have a God who is in charge, who is in control, who receives my prayers, and who loves me and my loved ones deeper and wider than I could ever imagine.

Admittedly, this week my mantra is already well used.  I have to say that it has helped me to stay more positive in my son’s decision, so much so, that I find myself trying not to smile from his contagious excitement.  If you see me whiz by on the back of a white street bike Saturday afternoon, please just smile and wave and repeat after me, “Into Your hands, O Lord.”

 

Fearless Trust

Jan. 16, 2013

For over two weeks now my asthma has been really bad.  In fact, this is the worst it has been since my acid reflux surgery eight years ago.  I’ve been nursing a nebulizer every 4 hours except for while I’m asleep.  Last Saturday, Tim asked me how I was going to be able to teach because the more I talked the worse it got.  I decided I had to swallow my pride and, if necessary, take a break in class and smoke my peace pipe.  And, I prayed.  I asked God not to let this hinder my teaching (and my enjoyment from the class) in any way this week.  He answered my prayer.  Monday and Tuesday I did my nebulizer during lunch but other than that, I was not inhibited in my teaching.  I barely even coughed.  Today, I didn’t even need my nebulizer until I got home after class.  Wow.

But, this morning during class I got a text that Kelsey was not feeling any better at all.  Since Sunday, she has had severe stomach and abdomen pain, pain when she breathes, nausea, vomiting, and body aches.  Each day, we figured it must be something viral since she is on all these antibiotics already.  But she wasn’t improving, in fact, she can hardly keep water down.  So, she’s getting dehydrated which affects her POTS symptoms.  In other words, her heart rate jumps up 50-60 beats per minute just by standing up.  I had left the classroom on a break to talk to Tim on the phone to get an update and when I returned to the classroom, I found my class praying together for Kelsey and my family.  It brought tears to my eyes.

So, I handed out the test and pulled out my Bible to read something from it.  My Bible opened to Psalm 27 which is titled, “A Psalm of Fearless Trust in God.”  I thought, “How perfect is that?  Here I am wondering why my prayer about me is answered yet I continue to wait on answers for my Kelsey prayers.”  I read it through three times, praying it as I read it.  I understand the answer that God gave me in this.  I understand in my head, logically, intellectually, that I have to have a fearless trust in God that knows He is in control, that He has a plan, and that He loves us all.

But, I have to admit, it is a struggle for me to fully accept that answer as THE answer.  Just five or six hours later, as I was driving home, I was drawn back to that same question:  “Why answer this prayer and not that one?”  I feel frustration with a tinge of despondency and sadness.  I want to be assured by knowing the plan and seeing His control.  My heart longs for it like nothing else.  Trusting provides the courage for my heart while I wait for the Lord.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed

that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”

~ ~ Ps. 27:13-14

Looking Behind Isn’t What It’s Cracked Up to Be

Jan. 6, 2013

I heard something today that made me laugh partly because it is funny and partly because it rings so true.  The topic was keeping your focus forward.  If you focus on the past, you will stay there.  If you stay right where you are today and not move, you are just as “dead.”  But, if you look forward and are constantly reaching forward, you live more fully and God will bless you.  Your body is designed to move forward.  Your eyes are in the front of your head so you can see ahead.  Your arms and hands can reach much further forward.  But, they can only reach a small amount backwards.  Your feet are designed to keep you balanced as you walk forward.  The only thing that is behind you is your behind!  If you put your behind in front of you, then you will only end up stepping in your own mess.

In 2 Kings 7, four lepers were exiled from the city in famine.  They knew they couldn’t go back to the city because they were already thrown out due to their leprosy plus, there was famine in the city so they couldn’t get food anyway.  They also knew that if they stayed where they were they would die of starvation just the same.  The only viable option was to go out to the enemy’s camp and hope that they wouldn’t die there too.  So, they moved forward.  They tried something different from what they have been doing which wasn’t working at all.  They stepped out, and when they did, God blessed them by scaring away the enemy.  When the lepers reached the enemy camp, it was deserted but all the food, tents, horses, donkeys, silver, gold, and clothes were left.  In the midst of desperation and desolation, they found abundance in such a way that only God can provide. 

As we have started this New Year, as a family, that is our focus.  There are some things in our lives that we need to change in an effort to restore some normalcy in the midst of illness.  We are looking at our present situation and seeing where we need to step out on faith and make changes.  We are looking forward.  I am so sick of talking about sickness.  I’m so tired of talking about fatigue.  I am looking forward to improved health for all of us because isn’t that what we all want – to be even just a little healthier than the previous year?  That’s why so many diets are started as New Year’s Resolutions.  I am looking forward to a closer relationship with my Lord and Savior.  I am looking forward to reaching toward a better, more concrete plan for Aron’s flight training.  I am looking forward to Kelsey getting her driver’s license in a few months.  I am looking forward to being able to spend more time in my secretary-elect position at Christian Counselors of Texas (especially now since the role looks like it will be expanding).  I am looking forward to more dates with Tim (hint, hint!).  I am so looking forward to see how God will bless me and my family this year.

Call Home

Jan. 1, 2013 New Year’s Day

I was driving in the car with Kelsey the other day.  I pushed the SYNC button on my steering wheel and say, “Call home.”  Sometimes the SYNC system doesn’t hear me correctly so I have learned to enunciate more clearly and say more of a hard “H” sound when giving it the command to call home.  The response is, “There are two options.  Please say which line you want to choose” or something to that effect.  Kelsey giggles a little and I say, “Cancel” so I can try again.  I push the button again and said “Call home” a little more loudly and clearly and a little irritated.  The response is, “Tuning to Cosmo radio.”  Kelsey outright laughs and I glance at the screen to see the description of the Sirius station Cosmo.  It reads, “Love & Sex Show with Dr. Jenn Berman.”  Both frustrated and a little humored by the station I inadvertently called up, I start to push the button a third time when Kelsey pipes in, “I think it called up that station because you are putting too much emphasis on the ‘HO’.”  Hilarious!

I totally love her sense of humor.  It is a smart, clever humor that comes out at unexpected times.  Aron has the same humor.  People tend to say they have my sense of humor but I know just how funny Tim is so I can’t possibly take all the credit.

As I write this on New Year’s Day while I am avoiding preparing for the class I’m teaching in a short couple of weeks, I can’t help but wonder what is in store for the next year.  I’m really looking forward to it which is surprising given my recent funks and bad-itude.  In all honesty, when I think about the coming year, I feel a sense of excitement much like looking at a wrapped gift and wondering what is inside.  I’m looking forward with hope, anticipation, and a sense of gratitude.  God gave me my husband and two incredible kids, all who make me laugh, and so much more!  And, even more so, He gave me the gift of His son so that I can have eternal life.  SYNC may not get what I’m saying when I say, “Call home,” but God certainly does.

Heart Strong

Dec. 24, 2012

Growing up, there were two families very prominent in my life.  The parents of those two families and my parents are all close friends.  Us kids grew up very close.  The Glenn’s lived across the street until I was in 8^th grade and I think I spent as much time at their house as I did my own.  In fact, they are my god-parents.  The Hartman’s lived just a few miles away and we went to church together forever and we went to school, did all the youth group stuff (including Canadian wilderness canoe trips!), and all the other things that close families do together.  The three men are hunting and fishing buddies for about 45-50 years.  These are people that I have ALWAYS known.

Cora Hartman always struck me as a woman with a gentle heart.  Once, I got locked in their bathroom.  The door lock broke and I couldn’t get out.  I don’t remember how long it took to get me out of there, but with my claustrophobia, it was far too long.  In her soft, southern-Texas accent, she comforted me.  On a sleep-over once, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life.  To this day, because of this dream, my closet door has to be closed when I go to bed.  I laid there in bed crying.  Linda was across the room in her bed and I thought, “How’s she sleeping through my crying?”  That strikes me as funny now.  But, Cora had heard me from her room across the house and came and stroked my hair until I calmed down.

As I have written (ad nauseam), most of my life I’ve had a hard time being excited about Christmas.  But, one of the things I was always excited about at Christmas was getting a plate full of cookies from the Hartman’s.  Yumm!  The iced cut-out sugar cookies were my favorite!  They rank right up there with Mom’s peanut butter kisses.  The plate always arrived a few days before Christmas.  Once her daughters went off to college, the cookies stopped.  Cora would say, “My elves are no longer here to help.”  A vital part of Christmas ended just that quickly.

What most don’t know, though, is that I have carried on this tradition in my adult life.  I used to spend a couple solid days making and decorating cookies and giving them to select people at Christmas time.  Admittedly, over the last few years, the number of recipients has declined to just one family.  The busyness of life and a touch of laziness have intruded on the tradition.  There is one family though who absolutely goes bat crazy (and if you knew them you would wonder, “How do you know the difference?”) for my cookies every year.  It’s so fun to actually give them the cookies because they are so silly.

Even more than fun, it is so heartwarming to have that tradition live on, even when Cora herself does not.  Cora had her victory over cancer last Thursday night, the night I baked the cookies.  It’s a total victory because she never lost her faith or her positive attitude.  So many times, she wrote me and encouraged me in response to my blogs.  Cancer beat her body but not her spirit! 

I looked up the etymology of her name.  Cora is from the Greek meaning “Heart; Maiden” and Hartman is German for “Strong.”  Yup, her name literally means heart strong.  God knew her when she was named.  God knew her when he had her marry and take the Hartman name.  She lived life with grace, dignity, spirit, and faith.  God certainly blessed me to know her.  And, He is blessed to have her with Him in heaven.

Job Well Done

Dec. 21, 2012

Sitting here in the midst of my pity party (party of 1) with a pup by my side growling and woofing at me to get her dinner (when there is a houseful of other people who aren’t busy), I strain to make some sort of sense of what has been going on lately.  It’s overly dramatic to say I feel a bit like Job, especially when blistery, itchy, yucky bumps (Kelsey said, “they look like a ton of fire ant bites”) started coming up on my arms, hands, legs, and feet a couple of days ago, but I have to admit I’m sick of it all.  I don’t want to get into listing all the things because I am trying not to focus too much on the specifics, plus, not all of it is something I want to be public knowledge.  The short answer is that there simply is no sense in it all and I am forced to trust God and His greater plan.  So, in lieu of an answer that really makes me feel better, I’m trying my hardest to reflect on things that are upbeat, positive, and make me feel good.

I finished up a busy semester of teaching three classes at DBU.  In addition to teaching in the classroom, I invariably get to know a few of the students through emails or sitting and chatting after class.  I got one of the coolest comments from one of them this semester.  She saw me in the Patriot café on campus and came over and sat down and said, “I just wanted to tell you that I love our class and you are in the top three of my favorite professors in college.”  It’s stunning to hear that.  We talked more and she said that she is always so shy that she doesn’t like to talk in class but that in my class she always felt safe to speak.  She attributed it to my being a counselor and knowing how to create a safe environment for sharing.

At another time, a student came up to me in class during a test to ask a question about something on the test.  I replied, “Well, what do you think?”  She said, “Are you doing counseling on me right now?”  I burst out laughing right there in the middle of the test.  It made my day.

Another favorite comment I received this past year came from a client.  He told my boss, who had seen him and noted that he was doing better, that “When I started coming to Audra, I was spiritually and emotionally constipated.  Audra was my bran muffin.”  HAHAHA  High praise indeed!!

There is no doubt that it has been a tough year, especially the last few months.  Disappointingly, I have allowed it to negatively affect my mood and attitude.  I have focused more on the negative than on God’s blessings which are many.  I am blessed with an incredible support system that has not ever even come close to letting me down.  I am blessed with a husband who loves me like none other, even when I have my meltdowns.  I work in a counseling center that is so great I don’t feel like I’m going to work.  I teach which blesses me in hanging out with the students and keeping my skills honed.  And, I am blessed to write which helps me process the crud that goes through my mind and always helps me feel better.  And, of course, there are my kids.

I admit I have a bit of Job’s wife in me.  She advised Job to just curse God and renounce his faith.  Be done with it.  I’ll be honest, I have cursed God.  But I refuse to renounce my faith.  So, beyond all other blessings, I am blessed to have a God who will take it from me, who wants it from me, and who can look beyond the anger and see the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, and the frustration……and see my love for Him.

Dreams Come True

Dec. 13, 2012

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had dreams – things I want to experience, things I want to accomplish, places I want to go, and even things I want to have.  I think dreaming is so important in life because it reminds you what is possible.  I’m not sure if I totally go along with the adage, “If you can dream it, then you can get it.”  But, the converse is absolutely true, “If you don’t dream it, you won’t attain it.”  Because, without the dream, how do you make a goal and a plan to reach it?

Last weekend, I was honored to witness a dream come true.  My beloved Rachel married her dream man.  So many prayers were lifted for this day to come.  She stayed faithful and so did God.  I’ve never seen her look more radiant.  I have no doubt that she and Quenton have many dreams for their new life together.

In a conversation at the wedding reception, someone so wisely said that you have to feed your dreams to keep them alive.  Feed them by taking steps toward that goal.  Sometimes, they are just little steps that keep the desire alive.  In applying this to me, I realized that in some ways I am doing this already.  I have a dream to take an anniversary trip to an all-inclusive resort somewhere in the tropics in the next couple of years.  I’ve started selling my lace painting again to help fund the trip but it also feeds the dream.  Every time I complete a project, I know I am one step closer to that resort.

One of my lifelong dreams, well actually for almost as long as I’ve been a mother (I was saved when I was pregnant with Kelsey), was for my kids to have a close walk with our Lord and Savior.  I don’t ever want them to experience the desert in isolation like I have.  I want them to know not just the joy of a rock solid faith, but also the contentment that such a faith provides.  I want them to know that they have a constant companion who loves them no matter what, who loves them simply because they are.  I want them to have that solid sense of self-worth and confidence that only comes when you truly grasp that love and know the cost of that love.  I want them to know with every fiber of their being that they are good enough simply because God created them and bought them with the blood of Jesus Christ.  A wise, old soul in a very young body once said to me, “I want to be so wrapped up in Christ that any man who wants to pursue me, must pursue God.”  I want my kids to be that wrapped up.

How do I feed my dream into someone else?  The obvious first answer is prayer.  That is a given.  The next obvious answer is by my example.  Living and simply being according to my faith sets an example to my kids.  Yesterday and today, I failed.  I allowed my usual Christmas “bad-itude,” which feels like it is on steroids this year, win.  I say this now not to excuse it but rather to expose it to the Light.  Otherwise, darkness continues to grow.  Dreams, especially this dream, grow in the Light.