Fearless Trust

Jan. 16, 2013

For over two weeks now my asthma has been really bad.  In fact, this is the worst it has been since my acid reflux surgery eight years ago.  I’ve been nursing a nebulizer every 4 hours except for while I’m asleep.  Last Saturday, Tim asked me how I was going to be able to teach because the more I talked the worse it got.  I decided I had to swallow my pride and, if necessary, take a break in class and smoke my peace pipe.  And, I prayed.  I asked God not to let this hinder my teaching (and my enjoyment from the class) in any way this week.  He answered my prayer.  Monday and Tuesday I did my nebulizer during lunch but other than that, I was not inhibited in my teaching.  I barely even coughed.  Today, I didn’t even need my nebulizer until I got home after class.  Wow.

But, this morning during class I got a text that Kelsey was not feeling any better at all.  Since Sunday, she has had severe stomach and abdomen pain, pain when she breathes, nausea, vomiting, and body aches.  Each day, we figured it must be something viral since she is on all these antibiotics already.  But she wasn’t improving, in fact, she can hardly keep water down.  So, she’s getting dehydrated which affects her POTS symptoms.  In other words, her heart rate jumps up 50-60 beats per minute just by standing up.  I had left the classroom on a break to talk to Tim on the phone to get an update and when I returned to the classroom, I found my class praying together for Kelsey and my family.  It brought tears to my eyes.

So, I handed out the test and pulled out my Bible to read something from it.  My Bible opened to Psalm 27 which is titled, “A Psalm of Fearless Trust in God.”  I thought, “How perfect is that?  Here I am wondering why my prayer about me is answered yet I continue to wait on answers for my Kelsey prayers.”  I read it through three times, praying it as I read it.  I understand the answer that God gave me in this.  I understand in my head, logically, intellectually, that I have to have a fearless trust in God that knows He is in control, that He has a plan, and that He loves us all.

But, I have to admit, it is a struggle for me to fully accept that answer as THE answer.  Just five or six hours later, as I was driving home, I was drawn back to that same question:  “Why answer this prayer and not that one?”  I feel frustration with a tinge of despondency and sadness.  I want to be assured by knowing the plan and seeing His control.  My heart longs for it like nothing else.  Trusting provides the courage for my heart while I wait for the Lord.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed

that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”

~ ~ Ps. 27:13-14