Lately I've been reflecting on the past year or so. Next month marks three years since Kelsey first passed out and the beginning of a medical mystery. The last 14 months has been the worst of it. And the best. Treatment and prayers are working and she is getting remarkably better in the last couple of months!
So
instead of trying to just get through the next day and week, I find myself
looking both ahead and behind. I'm looking ahead anticipating the transitions
that are to come in the next few years and looking behind to find the lessons
learned.
For much
of the first two years, I took the lead in trying to figure out what was going
on with Kelsey. The doctors were baffled
and I tried to control the "out of control" with knowledge and
research. I had a decent background in
medical stuff and reading medical test results and such so I dove into the
research. More than anything this was
out of a sense of trying to be effective in helping Kelsey. Most of my spare time was reading about
possible diagnoses. If you know anything
at all about neurology, you have to know that symptoms all overlap and any set
of symptoms can be attributed to innumerable neurological maladies. So, I know (knew) a lot about CIDP,
neuropathies, epilepsies, migraines, cardiac issues, autonomic issues, etc.,
etc., etc. It was exhausting. With the help of a fabulous (I can't say
enough good about her!) ENT PA, I figured out the basilar migraines. All my research paid off but I'm not sure it
was worth it because ultimately the
neuro referral from the ENT would have diagnosed it correctly anyway. We just
beat him to the punch.
Then we
hit a really rough patch. The winter of
2011/2012 was horrible. Kelsey was
passing out all the time, the pain really hit hard, and while we made a bit of
progress in getting the POTS diagnosis, nothing was helping, including all my
research. My sense of helplessness
soared.
I
remember one night, I think it was last March or April, 2012, laying in bed and
tearfully telling Tim that I didn't think I was making good decisions regarding
Kelsey's medical care anymore. I was
lost, ineffective, and horribly lacking confidence. A day or two later, he told me that he was
going to take more of an active/leader role in all this. I felt so much better! As it turned out, it was absolutely the best
thing! Tim brought not a medical
knowledge, but a problem-solving expertise to the situation that brought
confidence, calmness, and assurance that I was sadly lacking. Giving it over to Tim was empowering not just
me but the situation!
I
continued my research but not nearly so much.
When we got the Lyme diagnosis, in August/September, I started reading
about that. But, by the end of
September, I was completely spent. I
simply couldn't read one more thing. I
couldn't spend one more minute learning about it. I saw Tim learning about it, reading a book
on it, and I knew that was enough for us to be educated on the disease.
However,
I also knew that all of my researching was mostly in an effort to control. I made the decision to turn it over to
God. Released of the burden of trying to
control that which is out of my control, I felt better. In fact, Kelsey started to feel better
physically, too. Treatment started to
work. I'm convinced prayers were working
too. I'm not saying that prayers weren't
working before but I do wonder how much my control issue hindered God's
working. I'm not sure how it all works
together. In writing this down and saying
it to myself, it sounds mighty egotistical to imply that anything I do would or
could inhibit God's working. At the same
time, I wonder how God can fully work a situation if I don't fully give it over
to Him to work?
What I do
know for sure is that my giving it over first to Tim gave me a tangible
experience of what it would be like to turn it over to God. I understood that feeling of relief that
someone better than me is in charge. I
understood that grateful feeling of knowing that a different and more powerful
expertise was going to be involved. With
giving it to God, I knew I was putting it in the hands of the rightful
owner.
Surrendering
isn't giving up, it's giving it up.
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