Over the last two and a half years, I’ve prayed for
healing. I’ve prayed for it like I never
have before. It’s a prayer that
honestly, at this point, feels discouraging.
Yet, I pray. I pray because I
need that connection to God. I pray
because I recognize He is the one in control, especially when I feel like I
have absolutely no control in this at all.
I pray because I know so many other people are praying and it motivates
me to continue. I pray because I am
instructed to (“Is anyone among you suffering?
Then he must pray.” James 4:13).
Actually, it is really a command to pray. So, I pray.
I’ve not seen healing.
Kelsey still struggles. It’s so
hard. There have been times during this
time (I hate to call it a “season” as so many people do because, to me, it
romanticizes it. It tries to make it
seem better than what it is.) that I have felt spiritually strong, emotionally
strong, spiritually weak, and emotionally weak.
I’ve also had my times of anger.
Now is one of those times. I HATE
that this is happening. I find no rhyme
or reason to it. It feels so
senseless. And these things fuel an
anger in me that makes me want to pound something – a lot.
So, to battle it I try so hard to stay more cognitive and
less emotion-focused. Yes, that is the
counselor in me. Plus, I don’t have a
punching bag anymore and my ankles can’t handle kickboxing anymore either. In my effort to stay cognitive, I’ve wondered
in times such as these if healing can occur that is something other than the
physical healing I’ve been praying for.
If so, what does that healing look like?
Would I or can I be satisfied with that?
My first response to it is to recoil because I hate the idea
that God causes things to happen so that we can learn from them. I just don’t believe He works that way. The Bible clearly says that God is not the
author of chaos. Certainly He allows
consequences from our actions to discipline us but I simply cannot believe that
He brings calamity just so I can have a learning opportunity. I absolutely think, though, that it is our
job to learn from all situations. The
greater tragedy would be to learn nothing at all.
My next response comes from Sharon. When I posed the healing question to her,
without hesitation, she said, “yes.” Six
weeks ago, she and her husband Ralph were in a severe and traumatic car
crash. As Ralph continues to recover
from his traumatic brain injury, he has changed. No longer burdened by work stress and with a
newfound recognition of the fragility of life, she explained, he is back to
“the man I fell in love with. That is a
sort of healing.”
I’m left wondering, if I am to be totally truthful, if I am
just searching for some way in which my prayers have been answered in an effort
to abate my anger. I just don’t
know. I understand the point of Sharon’s
response. I had an idea of my answer
when I asked her and we agree. Maybe the
healing I see so far is a deepening of my faith. Never until now did I have to confidence in
my faith to express my anger to God.
Never until now did I have the unwavering confidence that God is still
with me even when I feel alone. That is
all well and good and I am glad that I can honestly profess these things. But, if I am being that honest, then I have
to admit that I am not satisfied with that healing. Plus, with that answer, healing becomes about
me and not about Kelsey. So then I am
back to square one with my prayers being unanswered … for now.
This is very powerful, very raw and honest. It does take strength to profess these feelings and knowing you as I do, I know this was difficult. I admire your honesty so much.
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