He Speaks

May 30, 2012

It’s been a hard week.  I ended up going to church alone Sunday morning, and, generally speaking, I hate that.  I was mad, disproportionately so.  Kelsey wasn’t feeling up to going, Tim decided to stay home with her, and Aron had a headache.  So off to my weekly family time I went – alone.  Singing always stirs my soul and often brings to the surface deep feelings.  When worship started and we were singing songs that I usually love, I got angrier and more scared and I began to cry.  And I couldn’t stop.  I was mad – mad that Kelsey is going through what she is, mad that my prayers of healing or relief had not been answered, and mad that God was ignoring me.  It was that seething kind of anger that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  It was a scary reminiscence of a dark time for me.  I don’t want to go back there – ever.

After church, and after a little primal scream therapy, I talked to Tim on the phone hoping that he could calm me enough so I do could my shopping.  In his ever-calm, methodical, and trouble-shooting mindset, he lovingly called me on my catastrophic thinking.  Then later Steve, someone near and dear to me, reminded me of Job and we also talked about the Psalms.

We didn’t talk about anything that I didn’t already know.  In fact, it was all the same stuff I use in my counseling.  Job’s wife urged him to just curse God and be done with it.  She was mad.  Job refused her advice.  But, towards the end, he was worn down and asked God “Why?”  God swiftly put him in his place by asking, “Who are you to ask me?”  It’s not for us to ask why.  It’s up to use to believe that He knows the plan.

Steve’s words weren’t immediate in the effect.  Honestly, I went home and escaped to my room and to sleep.  With Tim’s help I regrouped.  Faith comes through hearing the word.  I knew the word, I knew the scriptures quoted to me, but hearing the word made a difference.

The next couple of days were better but still difficult and I was still mad.  I started a new Bible study with my sisters at church titled, “Discerning the Voice of God.”  I didn’t do my daily study until this morning because I didn’t want to because, you guessed it, I am mad.  But I did it.  What I learned is that I can and do hear God’s voice daily.  Every day I hear Him in my counseling and I see His work in my life.  But I don’t hear him where Kelsey is concerned.  He is silent.  He is ignoring me.  And that burns me up.

So as I was driving to work this morning I was thinking about these things while I was listening to a CD I had started the day before: “Hearing the Voice of God” from Gateway Freedom Ministries.  My phone rang and it was Allyson, my sister, and she said, “I just wanted to tell you I love you.”  I tried to thank her and tell her I love her too but then I heard her say, “Either you are in a bad cell area or I am and I only hear crackling when you talk.  I just wanted to tell you I love you.  I don’t have anything else.  Bye.” 

So, I am mad and God feels far, far away, and I get a phone call that simply says, “I love you.”  In that moment, I knew God had used my sister to speak to me.  “I love you,” He said, “I see you.”

I never doubted that God loves me.  I know that He does.  But, more than anything, I needed to hear it.  I needed to hear the words.  I made the mistake of dwelling on the “Why?” of Kelsey’s suffering and illness.  That’s never a good place to be.  I started listening to things that aren’t of God.  I heard a quote last week:  “Fellowship with God is turning off all the other voices that I tend to listen to.”  I need to get better at this.  Maybe that is one reason why MercyMe’s song, “Word of God Speak,” is my all-time favorite song.  If you aren’t familiar with it, here it is.  Turn it up and just soak it in.

On a lighter note, and probably a shocking one to some of you, here is another song that comes to mind on this topic.  Yes, I like some Southern Gospel music….