Give It Up

March 29, 2013

Lately I've been reflecting on the past year or so.  Next month marks three years since Kelsey first passed out and the beginning of a medical mystery.  The last 14 months has been the worst of it.  And the best.  Treatment and prayers are working and she is getting remarkably better in the last couple of months! 

So instead of trying to just get through the next day and week, I find myself looking both ahead and behind. I'm looking ahead anticipating the transitions that are to come in the next few years and looking behind to find the lessons learned.

For much of the first two years, I took the lead in trying to figure out what was going on with Kelsey.  The doctors were baffled and I tried to control the "out of control" with knowledge and research.  I had a decent background in medical stuff and reading medical test results and such so I dove into the research.  More than anything this was out of a sense of trying to be effective in helping Kelsey.  Most of my spare time was reading about possible diagnoses.  If you know anything at all about neurology, you have to know that symptoms all overlap and any set of symptoms can be attributed to innumerable neurological maladies.  So, I know (knew) a lot about CIDP, neuropathies, epilepsies, migraines, cardiac issues, autonomic issues, etc., etc., etc.  It was exhausting.  With the help of a fabulous (I can't say enough good about her!) ENT PA, I figured out the basilar migraines.  All my research paid off but I'm not sure it was worth it  because ultimately the neuro referral from the ENT would have diagnosed it correctly anyway. We just beat him to the punch.

Then we hit a really rough patch.  The winter of 2011/2012 was horrible.  Kelsey was passing out all the time, the pain really hit hard, and while we made a bit of progress in getting the POTS diagnosis, nothing was helping, including all my research.  My sense of helplessness soared.

I remember one night, I think it was last March or April, 2012, laying in bed and tearfully telling Tim that I didn't think I was making good decisions regarding Kelsey's medical care anymore.  I was lost, ineffective, and horribly lacking confidence.  A day or two later, he told me that he was going to take more of an active/leader role in all this.  I felt so much better!  As it turned out, it was absolutely the best thing!  Tim brought not a medical knowledge, but a problem-solving expertise to the situation that brought confidence, calmness, and assurance that I was sadly lacking.  Giving it over to Tim was empowering not just me but the situation!

I continued my research but not nearly so much.  When we got the Lyme diagnosis, in August/September, I started reading about that.  But, by the end of September, I was completely spent.  I simply couldn't read one more thing.  I couldn't spend one more minute learning about it.  I saw Tim learning about it, reading a book on it, and I knew that was enough for us to be educated on the disease. 

However, I also knew that all of my researching was mostly in an effort to control.  I made the decision to turn it over to God.  Released of the burden of trying to control that which is out of my control, I felt better.  In fact, Kelsey started to feel better physically, too.  Treatment started to work.  I'm convinced prayers were working too.  I'm not saying that prayers weren't working before but I do wonder how much my control issue hindered God's working.  I'm not sure how it all works together.  In writing this down and saying it to myself, it sounds mighty egotistical to imply that anything I do would or could inhibit God's working.  At the same time, I wonder how God can fully work a situation if I don't fully give it over to Him to work?

What I do know for sure is that my giving it over first to Tim gave me a tangible experience of what it would be like to turn it over to God.  I understood that feeling of relief that someone better than me is in charge.  I understood that grateful feeling of knowing that a different and more powerful expertise was going to be involved.  With giving it to God, I knew I was putting it in the hands of the rightful owner. 

Surrendering isn't giving up, it's giving it up.

 

Sing along and make it your prayer too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7x2IpLSfqp8

 

Thankful 'Til It Hurts

March 20, 2013 (Published March. 21, 2013)

About a week and a half ago, I had dinner with my god-parents.  These are people who I spent a lot of time at their house across the street while growing up.  I stayed over there until I heard my mom ring the bell that hung in the garage.  To this day, they still tease me about me being at their house saying, “I don’t hear that bell ringing.”  Anyway, I invited myself to dinner, literally.  I texted her and said, “What time is dinner?”  Of course, I didn’t think to add that I was in town (we live 2 ½ hours apart).  Once we got past that hurdle, we made plans for dinner.  While at their house, I saw that she had a beautiful leather-bound edition of Jesus Calling, a devotional book that is very popular right now.  I decided then to get one for myself.

Already, in my three days of reading it, I’ve been blessed so much!  The first day was on a day a friend was having surgery.  The topic was putting your trust in God.  I texted her to see if she had read it that day too and she had.  That day’s devotion was comforting not only because of what it spoke to be but because it also provided a supportive connection to a good friend.

Today was about sacrificially giving thanks.  At first, I thought, how is it sacrificial to give thanks?  The verse it referenced is Ps. 50:14,

“Sacrifice a thank offering to God, and pay your vows to the Most High.”

If you read a bit further down through the Psalm to verse 23, you will see after a pretty good scolding, it ends again with the idea of sacrificial thanks,

“Whoever sacrifices a thank offering honors Me, and whoever orders his conduct, I will show him the salvation of God.”

In Biblical times the sacrifice was animal, grain, or whatever.  We don’t do those now so how do we sacrifice in giving thanks?  It’s about giving thanks even when you don’t want to, even when you don’t readily see those things to be thankful for.  Sacrificial giving means that it has to hurt some.  You have to give up something of value for it to be sacrificial.  It seems oxymoronic (is that a word??) to say “Be thankful until it hurts” but the point is that even when we are hurting we need to be thankful.  And, sometimes it is painfully hard to step outside of our circumstances and be grateful.

I know there have been times when I’ve avoided my Bible study because I was mad.  And I wanted to stay mad.  I felt I had every right to be.  The sacrifice in this instance was to put my own feelings aside, to deny self, to step outside of myself and be more Christ like.

In my anger, I missed being thankful that I live in a country that freely allows me to Christian.  I missed being thankful for the ability to study in and of itself.  And, probably most importantly, I missed the blessing that studying always brings me.

For me, maintaining my humor and sense of gratitude are vital to keeping my head above water.

My current favorite song is “Next to Me” by Emeli Sande.  I absolutely love it because it describes Tim to a tee and it reminds me how grateful I am for God bringing him to me, even before I knew God.

You, Me, and God

March 14, 2013

Last night, I was blessed to sit in a room of about 14 brothers and sisters and pray for my sister, Lisa, her husband, and their family.  We prayed for healing, strength, peace, assurance, safety, and so much more.  It was an intimate time of fellowship with each other and with God.  It was so beautiful and uplifting to hear everyone’s hearts and their hearts’ desires.  In reflecting on it, my thoughts are drawn to a couple of statements made in our Bible study just a half hour before the prayer.

First, we were discussing prioritizing time spent with God.  Some said that taking those moments in the day when you have what seems to be “down time” such as driving, waiting on someone, or standing in line were their times with God.  These are wonderful times but I had to disagree with the idea that they equaled quiet time with God.  There is something better about my day when I spend just a few minutes in bed before getting up in the morning either praying or just being quiet and listening.  Tim, I’m sure, thinks I’m just dozing and dreading getting out of bed.  Sometimes that is true too!  It was then that Lisa spoke and said, “Those moments when I’m praying throughout the day, those are the times I’m talking to God.  But my quiet time is when I dive into this (pointing to her Bible) or this (grasping the bible study book).  This is when God speaks to me.”  It is her wisdom that I love and admire the most. 

My other reflective thought came from a question from Lettia who questioned the idea of unanswered prayers.  I remember answering, “The standard line is there are no unanswered prayers, they are answered yes, no, or wait.”  And then I asked her if she had ever felt a prayer to be unanswered.  She said no.  She must have read the look on my face which probably belied my thought, “I have.”  She continued, “Because I know He hears me.”  That hit home for me.  El Roi (“The God who sees me.”) has been a theme for me since last May.  It made me correct my answer and think, “I haven’t recently.”  El Roi was with us last night, both in class and in prayer.

My final thought on last night actually centers on a C.S. Lewis quote, “A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her.”  This is what happens in our Bible study!  Studying together and drawing closer to God by knowing Him better and experiencing Him together has brought us all so much closer to each other.  We are the fellowship triangle in action!

The Birthday Present

Mar. 6, 2013

At some point during my childhood, I’m not sure when, I got this “sense” (I’m not sure what else to call it) that I would not live past 35 years old.  I can’t explain it other than to say that it is just something I felt and, honestly, felt very sure of.  It was just one of those facts of life for me.  For a while there, during my black years of depression, it certainly felt more imminent.  I spent so many days and years in my youth wishing for it all (pain and life) to just go away.

Turning 35 was difficult.  It was not an easy birthday.  That feeling loomed over me for a lot of that year.  Obviously, I made it past that time.  Next week, I’ll be 47 years old.  I don’t know why I ever felt or thought that I would not live past 35.  It wasn’t an anxiety based thing.  I accepted it as fact in my life.  I’ve often wondered the genesis of it, yet I still don’t have an answer.  As I write this and process it, I’m thinking about my life before and after age 35.  At 31, I, with God’s help, forgave my “biggie” in life and was able to heal a gaping wound.  At 34, I returned to college to try a couple of classes to see how I would do in going back to college for psychology and counseling degrees, which was a major departure from my engineering design drafting career.  At 35, I was off and running full steam in that direction.  I became a Christian when I was almost 30 but my biggest, most incredible God moment/miracle happened when I was 34 and it solidified my faith in ways that nothing else did or could have.

So, when I look at it this way, I wonder if God was, through that sense I had, preparing me for big changes in my life.  In many ways, I see now in hindsight that my life took big turns at that time: turns spiritually, turns in my healing from child sexual abuse, and turns in my career.  In many ways, it was the end of one life and the start of another.  Perhaps, for me, 35 was a rebirthday.

In the end, what it has done is make me grateful for the days I have.  That is not to say that I am perfect at it.  Certainly, there are some days that I wish would just go away.  But, overall, I am grateful for the present given to me.  Perhaps that is another point in this. 

This past weekend we celebrated my next oldest sister’s 50^th birthday.  She was not happy about it.  But, as my oldest sister said, “Tough titties!  Tim didn’t want a party either and he got one!”  I’ve joked that “I am not going to turn 50.  I simply refuse it.”  However, the fact is that it is a day to celebrate.  Not because it’s your birthday, but because it is one more day given.  Now there’s a birthday present!

Here's a pic of the women in the family.

Him Who Strengthens Me

Feb. 26, 2013

Last week, I went to my fourth Christian Counselors of Texas conference.  This year it was held in San Antonio.  With the exception of my grandmother’s funeral (which I had forgotten until just now), it was the first time I’d been in San Antonio in about thirty years.  I have bad associations with that city connected to my childhood so I seriously have no desire to go there, ever.  But with the conference being there, I wanted to go and surely it’s past time to get over this avoidance.  Besides, after thirty years, what can be familiar?

A street name, that’s what.  As I was driving, I noticed an exit for Thousand Oaks Drive and I had a moment of internal panic, muttered, “Oh God, Thousand Oaks Drive,” and before I knew it I had changed three lanes to the left.  I guess it was an instinctual avoidance much like when someone yells, “Snake!” and you jump to the side before you even think about it.  I quickly recovered, especially since I was being directed to move to the right so I could make my exit for the hotel.  Looking back on it, I can’t help but chuckle at the ridiculousness of my reaction.

Regarding the conference, I have to admit that it took me a couple of years to warm up to the organization.  The first year I went to the conference, I went alone and that just doesn’t work well for me.  But the following years, I went with Sharon who always introduced to me people, plus having a roommate is a great thing!  Now, I really love this organization.  It is a great group of people who want to build relationships, who encourage you, and who push you to do more than you think you can.  For example, I am now Secretary-Elect on the Executive Committee.  Who would have ever thought that of me?  Surely, not me.  I’m stretching.  I’m doing it.  And, best of all, I’m really enjoying it.

This year’s conference, for me, is summed up in one statement.  Someone had come to the board meeting and expressed her discouragement.  The board members took the time to fully listen to her and then they ministered to her.  At the end of it, she said, “Only in this group can you walk in feeling like a total failure and walk out feeling totally encouraged.”  That is the true beauty and value of this organization.

That encouragement can only come from God working in the lives of everyone there.  The healing that I’ve had that allows me to see the humor in my moment of panic can only come from God.  The confidence that I have to stretch in ways I never would have before comes from knowing that my self-worth comes only from my identity in Christ.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

~ ~ Phil. 4:13

Forests and Trees

Feb. 20, 2013
 

Every day for work, I drive the same way.  Along the way is the new high school that is being built.  I still enjoy watching construction which is a kickback from my old engineering design/drafting days.  So, I’ve been watching the building go up.  In awe, I watched the massive amount of ground work which always impresses me most because it seems it would be so hard to measure ground accurately and move dirt around in ways to match the plans I used to draw.  Then I watched the steel work go up.
 

 

 Then, last week, on my same drive that I make every work day, I saw the other building.  There was another whole building steel frame going up that I had missed!  How???  I instantly thought, “Wow, I missed the forest for the tree.”  And then I wondered, “How often do I do that?” 
 

 

 Far too often, I focus on the details or only certain aspects of things and I miss the bigger perspective or the bigger lesson to be learned.  God works through details but only for the bigger picture to be seen.  Jesus came to save but he proved his divinity through his miracles.  If we get stuck on only the miracles, we are left with questions such as, “If Jesus can heal, why not heal everyone?” or “If God can, with one little effort, blot out pain and suffering, why doesn’t he?”  Lately, I’m left a bit flat with the answer that Jesus came to save, not to heal.  I know that is the truth.  I know that is the bigger picture.  It’s the forest.  But the mighty sequoia deserves some individual attention too.
 

How do you reconcile an image of God standing back and just watching while suffering and pain continues?  How does He stand back when He could rescue all of us?  And then, after standing back, He wants ME to reach out to Him?  They are questions I’ve chewed on as of late.  They are the trees that narrow our view of the forest.

Ultimately, the only answer I know is that we have to always go back to scripture, the Word of God, to know God’s character and to test whether that character lines up with what we are feeling or thinking about God.  Does God stand back and watch us suffer in a detached, dare I say, even sadistic, way or does He stay as close as He can, hurting with us along the way, and long for us to reach out to Him?  From scripture, I know God is all love so I have to land on the latter part of the question.  Love isn’t sadistic.  It isn’t detached.  It isn’t uncaring.
 

Perhaps the best answer still falls on having that fearless trust so beautifully described in Ps. 27:13-14.
 

“I remain confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

Knowing My Own Strength

Jan. 30, 2013

Strength seems to be a theme this week.  Several times in counseling we have discussed how fear can keep you from doing what you want to do or should do.  That fear is usually rooted in a belief that you can’t withstand another hurt.  “I won’t be able to take it again” or “I won’t survive it again” is the thinking that drives the fear.  It’s a lack of confidence in their strength.

I think that is where Romans 8:28 comes into play: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”  Too often people use this verse to try to comfort people who are in the midst of their pain and suffering.  I think it is more of a verse to be used in hindsight.  That is, it is easier to discern the good that comes from the suffering when you are looking back on the situation, not when you are in the middle of it.

The good that came of my abuse was impossible to see during my recovery.  Hate, anger, shame, and guilt skewed my perspective in looking for the good.  In fact, that idea was absurd to me!  Actually, I’ll take it a step further and say it seemed twisted even perverted to suggest that something good would come of all that.

But now I can see it.  Above all else, I know just how strong I am.  I remember thinking as a 20 year old that rape would be something I couldn’t survive.  I know better now.  I used to think that having some break down moments came from weakness.  In all honesty, I still struggle with this one from time to time, but I know ultimately that it takes strength to show pain.  I know what I can endure.  I know what I can come through.  That isn’t to say that I think I can handle anything that comes my way.  There are definitely things that cause me to think, “Yeah, you’d have to hospitalize me for a while on that one.”  But even in that recognition, I am acknowledging the limits of my strength, not the depths of my weakness.

I also know now that my strength isn’t really my strength.  It is based on a trust in God that, for the first time in my life, feels enduring to me.  Always in my struggles before, God felt far from me.  I felt alone – even abandoned.  Over the last couple of years though, I have learned to trust that God is faithful, rock-solid, immutable, and invincible because He loves me.  He made me to be strong, not to break – which brings me to a song….  (Make sure you catch the quote at the end of the video!)