Vital Teaching

August 23, 2012

I’m teaching three classes this Fall at DBU: two Counseling Theories and Techniques classes and one Psychology of Adolescence class.  It’s been a tiring first week of getting back in the swing of working two jobs, preparing for classes, and getting up early in the mornings.  In fact, yesterday I took a four hour nap.  Wow, did I need it! (I wasn’t feeling the best but I think mostly I was just over-tired). But I LOVE teaching as much as I do counseling.  I love the interaction with the students and teaching helps keep my counseling skills honed.

In my Counseling Theories class this afternoon, we were discussing issues that beginning counselors face.  One of those issues was “staying vital as a person and as a professional.”  Professional burnout is a real concern especially for counselors because of the nature of the business.  All day long we hear people’s problems and the awful ways that we humans hurt ourselves and others.  So, “staying vital as a person and as a professional” is incredibly important in preventing burnout.  There during class, I thought to myself, “What do I do to fulfill this?”  I didn’t have an answer.  Certainly, my friends and family keep me boosted up but is that the answer?

As I was driving home, I felt so jazzed about teaching again.  I felt energetic!  I haven’t taught since last Fall and I’ve really missed it.  I called Lettia and said, “Have I told you lately how much I LOVE teaching?”  It’s not the first time I’ve asked that of her.  J

As I reflect on all this tonight, and as I wonder just what it is I am going to write about this week, I get the “Aha!” moment.  For most of 2008, my last year of graduate school, every time I walked on campus I had the thought, “I need to teach here.”  It was a bizarre thought.  What did I know about teaching college?  But, more and more I liked the idea and shortly after I graduated I started teaching at DBU.  God opened that door for me because it was far too easy for me.  Getting a teaching job at DBU is not easy.  I taught an adult education class for a couple of semesters and then I was approached (after I expressed interest) to teach a general psychology class.  Teaching my first psych class was nerve wracking.  I was so nervous I was sweaty from head to toe.  I am convinced my students went away that first day to tell their friends of Prof. Sweaty-pits.  But I got through it…and I got better.  Now, I am no longer nervous.  I am incredibly energized.

So, tonight, I see that God once again put all the pieces together with a foresight that is mind-boggling.  He prompted me to teach, opened the right doors of opportunity for me, gave me the fortitude to continue past my nervousness, and ultimately provided me with an outlet that helps me “stay vital as a person and as a professional.”

My God is so big,
So strong and so mighty,
There’s nothing my God cannot do.  (clap, clap)

Into His Hands – The Progression Continues

Aug. 15, 2012

My post two weeks ago was about a progression of four steps that led me to a deeper understanding of seeking God first and of simply seeking God.  My point being that when my prayers are centered primarily around what I want God to do for me and what can God relieve me of, then I am not seeking God for a relationship with Him, I am seeking Him for selfish purposes.  Additionally, from a counseling perspective, when my prayers are centered on relieving my pain or anxiety, then I am still focusing on that pain and anxiety.

I have always visually pictured “letting go” of something or “giving it to God” as me laying “it” down at the foot of the cross and saying, “OK God, it’s yours.  I can’t handle it.”  And then, ten minutes later, I would pick “it” back up again and worry or try to control "it" or whatever.  Then, in recognizing that I am carrying the burden again, I lay it again at the foot of the cross.  Back and forth this process goes with hopefully “it” laying at the cross longer and longer each time before I retrieve it.  The problem in this process is that I feel both the success and the failure and I usually end up feeling like the failure longer.

As I said in the prior post in part three of the progression, I’ve truly learned recently that my holding onto “it” or the mire, then I am holding it between me and God.  It is a barrier between us.  I can’t grab hold of God with both hands if I am holding onto something else.  So, simply seeking God in order to know Him better, in order to know His character more fully, in order to truly understand that He loves me unconditionally and why, means that I have to lay down whatever barrier is between us.  If I lay that down, then I have to believe that God will pick it up.  I have to believe that because I know He loves me.

Psalm 22 is a chapter that I use quite often in my counseling.  (I won’t quote it here because it is too lengthy to include here but take a moment to read it now.)  I love it because it is even titled “A cry of anguish and a song of praise.”  It is written during the time that David was running from Saul.  David expresses a lot of emotion in this psalm including anger, indignation, desperation, frustration, feelings of abandonment and rejection, as well as praise, love, and trust.  I use this psalm because it is a great example that proves it is OK to yell and be angry with God.  However, it is vitally important to continue to praise God through it all.  When you study the psalm, you will see that David opens by telling God he feels abandoned.  Then he talks about how the fathers trusted God and that God is holy.  Next, he reverts to indignation and worthlessness.  He basically says, “Hey, I’m worthless, people are mocking me, they are mocking my faith, and they are even mocking you, God!”  But, once again, he turns back and praises God for creating him and for making him trust God.  Then, David cries out about his poor physical condition and how he is surrounded by the bad guys.  In the next breath, David praises God again and ends the chapter with praise.

The pattern that David set is important because in it he lands on the positive, he ends with praise.  He ends feeling better.  And that is where I have always stopped with my thoughts on this psalm until this week.  More was revealed to me – part five of the progression.  I see now that through all of David’s praise, he was simply seeking God.  Only twice, and both times are short little phrases, did David directly ask God to relieve him in his present situation.  Everything else is about God: His character, His power, His creative ability, His holiness, and His trustworthiness.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that petition prayers are wrong.  They are incredibly biblical.  Phil. 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  My point is that we need to be sure that we are seeking God himself most importantly.  When I seek God in my prayers, I no longer visualize myself leaving “it” at the foot of the cross.  That process is unnecessary because I’ve already laid it down when I grab onto God himself.

There are those who are very near and dear to me.  Do I want to be spend time with them because of what they can do for me?  Or, do I want to be with them simply because I want to know them better and, through that, I feel better when I am in their presence?

Dog Pile Hug

Aug. 7, 2012

I have a thing where I love to kneel in front of Tim while he is sitting in the recliner and give him a long, long hug.  Or, to be more honest, to get a long, long hug.  Ever since Kelsey has been independently mobile (ie. She could crawl), she gets in the middle of our hugs.  I remember always feeling her squeezing in between our legs when we would be hugging standing up.  Now, since she is taller, she simply adds onto the hug and group hugs both of us.

Today was no different…at first.  The three of us were watching the Rangers win (Yay!), and on a commercial, I slipped out of my chair to give Tim a hug.  In actuality, it was more of a race to get to Tim because Kelsey has become quite adept at figuring out what I am doing so I have to hurry to get first position.  As I laid my head on Tim’s shoulder and felt Kelsey wrapped around both of us, I felt four feet land on my back.  Sophie, our adorable schnauzer, joined the group hug.

It would be easy to think that my point in writing about this is being thankful for family closeness.  However, it’s not that easy.  As I was second from the bottom of the dog pile hug, I felt claustrophobic.  I was reminded that I still have that struggle.  I have wondered in the time since I figured out my fear of heights (which is incredibly improved now – the glass elevators on the ship didn’t even phase me!) why it doesn’t also apply to my claustrophobia.  Both have the same root of loss of control of my body.  For one struggle that revelation was freeing, but for the other struggle, it is completely ineffectual.  What’s up with that?

It occurred to me tonight, as I was reflecting on it, that I coped with that moment with a short little prayer to not panic and to know I’m OK.  It was a step closer to God in a brief but anxious moment.  I don’t believe that God gives me this fear of being trapped to draw me closer to Him, but the result is certainly the same.  And, I’m glad I am at a point in my faith that a prayer is my first “go-to.”  I’m not bragging, just acknowledging.  I would surely rather be writing about overcoming this obstacle.  But, for now, I’m content with seeing how it was used for the good.

Into His Hands

July 28, 2012

I love it when a progression of things leads me to a new lesson learned.  It's when things line up in such a way that it can't be coincidence.  It has to be God teaching me. 

David said in the Psalms that he meditates on God’s precepts all day (“Oh, how I love your law!  I meditate on it all day long.”  Ps. 119:97).  He didn't have a copy of the scriptures to study, he had to have them in his mind.  Meditating on scriptures does a couple of things.  First, it keeps God as your focus throughout the day.  Second, it sometimes brings revelation - or a new Ah-ha!  For me, I will keep a verse or passage of scripture in mind and as I go through the day or week, I will find connections.  This week, I focused on simply knowing God and His character.

This past week I've continued in our Bible study on hearing the voice of God.  We were looking at how we should not only seek His voice but rather seek Him and then we are more aligned to hear His voice.  I’ve heard this before but, this week, I saw it in action.  I was talking to someone who struggles with anxiety and when our conversation turned toward learning something about God’s character and how He interacts with His people, she relaxed.  Her trembling from anxiety melted away.   Simply turning her focus to God himself was much more effective than praying for God to handle the situations or to relieve anxiety (that being said, I know fully well that God can do both of those things!).  Often, those prayers only keep your focus on the stressful situation or anxiety.

So that is parts one and two of the progression.  Part three is a new depth of understanding that says if I am to simply seek God, which means I will direct my attention away from the mire, then I am trusting God to handle that which I've just redirected from.  I have to let go of it.  These thoughts then reminded me of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane struggling with God’s plan for him.  The movie "The Passion" portrays this scene so well!  Jesus was physically wrestling with it all.  He didn't want what was to come. He knew the path laid before him led to the cross.  He came to the conclusion of "not as I will, but as you will" (Matt. 26:39).  It is interesting to note that Jesus prayed that prayer three times.  It wasn’t easy for him to come to that conclusion.  It’s one of the places that I see the humanity of Jesus.  In considering all this, I really understood, probably for the first time, that trusting God is bending my will to His.

Part four of the progression is understanding that I'm feeling like I'm in the garden, in the non-picturesque sense.  Of course, I can’t compare to the magnitude of the scale of what was ahead of Jesus, but I can relate.  I don't know what is ahead for Kelsey and her medical treatment, but I know I don't want to go through it.   I just want it all to miraculously go away.  But that's really not the point, is it?  God has laid out a path that is before us.  That is not to say I think that God designed this illness to happen.  Rather, I recognize that so far He has determined we need to walk through it.  The task, then, is to seek Him first, trusting that the rest of the crap will fall in place – in His hands.

Just now as I write this, I am reminded of what I have said so often to myself and to God during these last two years: “Into your hands, O Lord.”

Great-ful and Thankful

July 22, 2012, Sunday

One thing that is typically true for depressed people is that they lose focus of their blessings.  They lose their attitude of gratitude.  To help with this, it is often recommended to start a gratitude journal in which, daily, you write ten things you are grateful for in your life.  Ann Voskamp wrote a book titled, “One Thousand Gifts,” that is about finding contentment right where you are.  How do you do that?  One way is to write ten things you are grateful for every day for 100 days – no repeats.  That makes 1000 gifts. 

I’ll be honest, I’ve not read the book.  About once a week or maybe a little more often, I check on her blog, www.aholyexperience.com , and I’ve found that she is continuing her list of gifts.  She is somewhere around 3500+.  Her style of writing is very flowery and “lilting” as one reviewer put it and so it just doesn’t appeal to me to read the book.  But, the blog is interesting.  One of the gifts that she listed is “a bucket of soapy water and a dirty floor.”  I remember thinking when I first read it, “WHATTTT??”  After thinking about it often, yes it took a lot of thinking because that one is wayyyy off my radar, I understand that she is grateful that she has the floor, that the floor is dirty because her large family is living on it, and that she had a means to clean it as well as the ability.  What did that focus of attitude do for her?  It must have helped her to be content and maybe even happy in doing a task that I abhor.

I’ve tried writing my own gratitude journal but, frankly, I’m horrible at it.  I just don’t take the time.  I don’t make the effort.  But, what I do do (it is necessary to say that with an emphasis that distinguishes it as two words) is I find myself increasingly looking for my blessings – or looking for the blessings even in the struggles.  As I’ve struggled with depression here lately, I find it helps to realign my focus.

So, what am I thankful for today?

1.       First and foremost, I am thankful for a God that not only lets me yell and scream at Him, but He wants it.

2.       I am thankful for the family I have and the measure of health we all have.

3.       I am thankful for my prayer warriors.

4.       I am thankful for the new portable A/C unit sitting beside me keeping me cool.

5.       I am thankful for the medical system we have because, while I am jaded at the moment, I still know that if we were in socialized medicine, we wouldn’t have been able to see all the doctors we have so far.

6.       I am ever so thankful for a husband who loves me unconditionally despite my failings, who is my rock, my encourager, my supporter, and who helps me to be a better person.

7.       I am thankful that my kids have a relationship that is beyond close.

8.       I am thankful for my sisters (biological and spiritual) who love me in so many ways.

9.       I am thankful for two careers that I absolutely love and places to work that grow me professionally, personally, and spiritually.

10.   I am thankful for the cruise we are taking this weekend!!!!

This morning in church we sang an old hymn that has for my entire life been negatively associated with funerals.  But this morning, as we were encouraged to sing it with enthusiasm and feeling, my heart soared and brought me to tears (yes, I hear the gasps of shock now!).  Here is the refrain:

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

For your listening enjoyment, my favorite version (other than this morning) of “How Great Thou Art.”

Startling and Healing

Sometime in the mid-late 1990s

From time to time I get these wonderful little reminders of a time long ago in my life.  Yes, I am being sarcastic, very.  The truth is that very occasionally I get a flashback from my childhood – a recovered memory that’s been long forgotten.  I think God so wonderfully designed our brains that when things are too traumatic to remember, too painful to remember, too destructive to remember, we forget.  We block it out.  It is a form of protection that God wired into each of us.  Then, as God determines that we can handle it, He allows the memory to return which then helps to heal a wound.

I have experienced a few of these flashbacks and, frankly, they rock my world for a while until I figure out how to process them.  I have had several flashbacks and all are relating to some part of the abuse.  I remember one physically made me ill and I had to pull over to the side of the road and vomit.  Looking back on it now, I see that as me truly expelling that poison from my system.  It was the most vivid flashback, including having the physical sensation of the abuse happening, yet I think I processed that one quickly because there was no chance to minimize my response.

Then one morning in church we sat behind an older man who was bald on top and grey on the sides…just like my grandfather.  Before I knew it, I was propelled back in time seeing myself playing with my grandfather’s hair.  He always carried a comb in his shirt pocket and I would use that comb to play with his hair.  It was a memory of a thing that was good with him.  And that is what threw me for a loop!  I left church crying, upset by the startling vision of him, and confused by the recovery of a happy memory.

For days I was put off by this memory.  What was the point?  For years, I couldn’t explain this memory.  Then, a deeply insightful friend pointed out to me that perhaps this happy memory meant that I was healing enough to be able to see some sort of good in him.  Before, he was all bad.  My description of him had always been “he’s just a sick bastard.”  Does this memory change that?  Not really.  But it did show me that it is ok to acknowledge the good memories as well as the bad.  God showed me once again that He knows what is best for me, that He knows long before I do what I can handle.  But, above all, He showed me that He loves me enough to reach into my life and touch me in a way that is both startling and healing.

El Roi

July 13, 2012

To me, the more names you have, the more loved you are.  Sometimes it is a distortion of your real name.  For example, I often call Lettia “Lett-cha” because that is how my iPhone voice command pronounced her name and it’s funny to me.  Other times it’s just an outright nickname that has no association with your real name, like when I call Rachel Bear Cub because there was a time when I got protective of her and my “momma bear” came out.  Or, I often call Kelsey “Kelsey Belle” just because it kind of rhymes.  All are a sign of love.

God (and Jesus) has many names too.  Jehovah, Yahweh, Lamb of God, I AM, Lord, Savior, Great Shepherd, Author of Salvation, Emmanuel, Messiah, Son of Man, and El Shaddai are just a few examples from a long list of names. 

In response to my post titled “He Speaks,” I got an email from my Southern-speaking cuz, Kristin, and she told me about a name of God I had never heard before.  The name El Roi (El raw-EE) translates “The God who sees me.”  During this season of uncertainty and pain, this name is comforting and reassuring and I have meditated on it often.  To my knowledge, this name is used only once in the Bible.  In Genesis 16, Sarai was very jealous and despised Hagar because she was able to conceive a child before her, so Hagar fled from her and went into the desert.  An angel found her by a spring and told her to go back and submit to Sarai and then he told her the future of her son, Ishmael, and that the Lord had heard her misery.  She responded by giving God the name, “You are the God who sees me,” and then she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

It is so incredibly comforting to know that God sees me.  He is El Roi.  He sees my struggles.  He sees my pain.  He sees my joy.  He sees my worship.  I am struck by Hagar’s comment of “I have now seen the One who sees me.”  Because God sees me, I can see him better.  If I am to believe that he receives my worship and praise, then I have to believe that he sees my struggles.  One would not be true without the other.  If God sees me, then isn’t He allowing Himself to be seen?

God showed Himself several (I can’t say that word without that scene from Spanglish coming to mind!) times recently.  I saw Him in the God-incidences (I don’t believe in coincidences) that my Bible study sisters shared this week.  I saw Him in people loving on me.  I saw Him in Dr. Pearse as she called m last night (What doctor do you know of that gives you her personal cell number and calls you at night?) and gave me a great laugh to help me put Dr. I’s appointment in perspective.

So, if I can see Him, He MUST see me.  El Roi!!

My favorite Whitney Houston song comes to mind, “I Look To You.”