In My Place

June 6, 2013

I’ve been out of the office for over a week and a half.  We had a holiday weekend plus I taught a mini-mester class at DBU.  When I came back to the office, most people commented on my tan.  It’s my normal beginning of the summer tan and most people who have known me for longer than a couple years know I tan easily. 

It feels so good to be back in the pool.  Last summer, we hardly used to the pool.  Kelsey was so sick she couldn’t kick hard enough to keep her head above water.  Kelsey swims like a fish and dives beautifully.  But not last summer.  So, it just didn’t feel right for me to swim while she layed inside on the couch in pain.  Call it a bit of survivor’s guilt, or whatever, but it just felt so unfair for me to be in the pool and for Kelsey not to be able to.  Yes, she could lay on a float in the pool but that is like suggesting to a gymnast to be satisfied and have fun with just doing somersaults on the floor mat.

This is a new year!  Kelsey is doing so much better and she is enjoying the pool again.  Me too.  I’ve been spending more time swimming laps.  One mile is about thirty minutes of laps in my pool.  I’m up to twenty five minutes.  I’ve never done well in this kind of exercise because I get bored mentally and then the time crawls by so slowly that I always end up quitting.  This time is different, though.  I’m spending this time simply praying and praising God.  Taking my cue from the Psalms, I praise God by naming His qualities.

I habit I started without much conscious thought is to pray first and praise second.  It feels so right in that order for a couple of reasons.  First, this way I land on the positive.  While I fully acknowledge that petition prayers are a positive thing, I also know that, for me, they are largely the reminders of what aren’t great right now.  But to name God’s qualities and characteristics…wow … what a boost!  It reminds me who is in control and how I know He is in control.  It reminds me that God can and does handle my prayers.  It reminds me that He loves me and sees me.  It reminds me that I am important to God.  Praising God in this way keeps God in His place and me in mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjmZ2v0niCI

 

Learning to be a Caged Bird

May 25, 2013

Last night, I sat and watched a recorded episode Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday with Maya Angelou (part 2).  I love listening to Maya speak because she speaks lyrically ( I love her word choices) and with such wisdom.  Within the last year, I finally read one of Maya’s books that has long been on my list of books to read, “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.”  It was not what I expected but interesting just the same. 

I read the book with great anticipation to understanding the title of the book.  I wanted to know why the caged bird sings.  But, me and poetry don’t get along.  Nine times out of ten (and I’m being generous) I don’t get the symbolism in poetry.  I remember in high school freshman English asking Ms. Clancy, “How do you know that poem isn’t really just about buildings in a cityscape?  Why does it have to have a deeper meaning?”  So, the caged bird reference was no different for me.

But last night, Oprah asked Maya, “Why does the caged bird sing?”  Yay!!  Maya answered, “Because it must.”  She went on to explain that the free bird sings of the things he does and can get but the caged bird sings his “fearful trill” for the freedom his heart longs for.  The free bird takes for granted his freedom and all the trappings that come with it but the caged bird sings his song so beautifully because it is his heart’s deepest longing.

As I continue to look back over the journey of Kelsey’s illness for the last three years, I recognize that in the times of the depths of my despair, I was standing on “the grave of dreams.”  But, unlike the caged bird, I didn’t open my “throat to sing.”  Instead, I resented losing some of the things that I so took for granted: health, freedom to do what you wanted and when, the gleam of life in my daughter’s eyes, and just plain ol’ normal life.  I think, I hope, that this is one of the areas that I have grown in my faith: to praise God all the time, especially when I have to rise above my circumstances to do it.

The caged bird sings because he must.  Because, the alternative is a pit of despair and loneliness.  Because, in his singing, he is free.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Renewing and Transforming

May 14, 2013

The truth is I’ve been a bit blocked in my writing lately.  Perhaps my work schedule is worrying me more than it should.  It is a bit hard to admit because I’ve never really been worried about it before.  I’ve always stood solidly on the ground that God is in control of my schedule and He will bring to me the people that I need to see and that need to be seen.  If I am to be truly honest, I have to confess that I am struggling with a touch of depression.  It is something that I have had periodically for most of my life.  That is probably adding a bit to my block also. 

In the past, if I had a lull in my counseling load, there usually ended up being a reason.  Sometimes, I needed a break to refresh.  Sometimes, it freed me to go to doctors’ appointments.  Sometimes, bad things happened that I needed time off from work.  The cause has always been fairly evident.

The last few weeks have been light and now this week is looking bleak.  It makes me wonder what is ahead.  But as this continues on, I have to also admit that Satan and negative thinking are starting to work on me.  Doubts about myself are creeping in just a little.  I step back from those thoughts and acknowledge that I am no different than I was a month ago.  But having those doubts is unsettling.

Is it contradictory to say that I know God is in control of my schedule after just admitting to having self-doubt?  My initial answer is no, it’s not.  If there is one thing I’ve learned over the last few years it is that God is always with me and that He is in control.  The “but” to that statement is that I have to move too.  I have to take steps.  So, as a responsible counselor, I have to look at what I am doing as well as how I am doing it and why.  It’s a process that easily opens myself up to self-doubt.

I am reminded of Romans 12:2 which says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is.”  I am reminded of it because it is written on the wall above my head and I saw it as I sat back thinking about this.  That whole thing about writing it on the doorposts as mentioned in Deuteronomy works!

I am also reminded of that verse because we just talked about it in Bible class Sunday morning.  I liked the analogy that being transformed is much like metamorphosis.  Much like a caterpillar morphs into a beautiful butterfly, so must my worldly self morph into a holy self.  This process is caused by the renewing (notice that it is an –ing word) of the mind.  You have to renew your mind in order to be transformed so that you can prove the will of God. 

So, the application for me is that I have to diligently fight the thoughts of self-doubt and the negative thoughts that are more prevalent when depression is near knowing that this process changes me and brings me closer to the One I want to emulate.  And, then, when I am near to Him, I will feel his leading and rest in the plan He has for me.

So Far To Come and So Far To Go

May 2, 2013

In our Bible study, we are studying about how God can bring us “so far.”  In other words, He can bring us further than we ever could of our own accord.  In the study, we were asked to place ourselves along a continuum rating our progress of growth from “Can’t see any progress” to “A little progress” to “Significant progress” to “So far.”  My first circle was at “significant progress” because I thought, “I still have so far to go.”  But, when I looked back over my life, I realized that I’d come “so far” and that it was only by the hand of God.

One area that I’ve come so far in is flexibility.  It used to drive me nuts to have my plans changed.  Once I made plans, they were set in stone.  We used to have friends that would never plan the weekend more than a couple of days in advance and that was so frustrating to me!  I wanted to know what I was doing, what I could plan on.  Being married to Tim, who used to work in tech support, really challenged me in this area.  Plans changed constantly because he would get a call to go work.  It wasn’t a change I willingly succumbed to.

For me, the most memorable line in the movie, “The American President,” starring Annette Bening, Michael Douglas, and Michael J. Fox, came from Fox’s character who was telling the President, “I tell my girlfriends that all plans are soft until I confirm 30 minutes before.”  It represents a way that I had to learn to live.  Looking back, I see that I was in training.  Even before I knew God, He was working in my life to bring me so far.  He brought Tim to me and one result of that is me having to learn flexibility.  Looking at it now, I can see that there is an art to being flexible.  Going with the flow, taking things in stride takes grace.

That very grace allows me to take a step back, not get so frustrated, and wait to see what God has planned for me.  For instance, when my schedule at work gets light, instead of worrying about it, I wait to see what happens because so often it opens at just the right point to allow for an unexpected event.  One great example was this morning.  Early this morning, at 5 am, I awake from a nightmare that was quite upsetting.  I managed to go back to sleep until my alarm went off at 7:00 but I was still reeling from the nightmare.  I remember thinking, “If I had an office job, I’d call in sick this morning.”  But I don’t and I had three appointments this morning and three after lunch.  It’s really not an easy thing to reschedule appointments.  So I went to work.  As it turned out, my second and third appointments no-showed me.  That used to be so much more frustrating to me.  But today, was one of those times when I knew it was working in my favor.  It gave me time to reorient my mind.

Then a colleague brought me flowers just to say she appreciated me.  And then I went to lunch with a friend.  All three things worked together to get me back on track.  I see God’s hand in every step of this: Tim, learning to be more flexible, learning to trust that God has plans for me, and encouragement from friends.  Who else could orchestrate such things?  By the grace of God, I have come so far.

“Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?”
~ ~ 2 Sam. 7:18

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
~ ~ Jer. 29:11-13

Three Strands, One Lesson

April 25, 2013

Once again, God has taught me something new this week first by giving me the information and then by letting me experience it.  It is a three part lesson that involves a TV clip, a moment of communion, and affirmation.

Earlier this week, I heard something on TV that totally stuck with me: The AHA! moment happens when spirit is talking to spirit in truth.  Those light bulb moments when you really, truly get it in a way that you never have before is when the spirit of truth from someone else is speaking to my spirit.

Wednesday night, at the very end of Bible study class, one of the ladies shared a struggle she has had over the last year with someone near and dear to her.  He is experiencing anger with God for certain situations in his life.  He fights himself every week, bad mood and all, to come to church but then is always happy he came by the time he leaves.

I knew I wanted to talk to her after class but I wasn’t sure what to say to her.  As I sat across from her, the words of encouragement and claiming victory over Satan’s attacks flowed.  I remember looking straight into her eyes and hers connected with mine and the thought that “our eyes are the window to our souls” crossed my mind.  I felt a deep connection and I think she did, too.  In reflecting on that moment in addition to what I had learned earlier in the week about the AHA moment, I see now that the deep connection I felt was our spirits connecting.  Our spirits communed in that moment.

I remember at the end of the conversation she said, “Wow, tonight I got two lessons.  One during class and one after.”  My thought, “Something just happened here.”

I struggle a lot with telling stories like this because I am scared they sound boastful.  I feel like I’m bragging that I’m something special that God uses me in this way, both professionally and personally.  But, as another one near and dear to me today said, “God works in this world but He uses people to do that work.  God used you today.”  So, I am going to claim it.  Not because I am great but because I know God uses the smallest, the least, to do His work.  That’s how I know all the glory belongs to Him.

Kind of Like David

April 17, 2013

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been studying about anointing with my Bible study group.  So, it’s been on my mind.  I have learned a lot.  I’ve always had a bad connotation about anointing because it seemed overused and even improperly used.  But, I’m learning.

Priscilla Shirer, in her book, “Anointed Transformed Redeemed,” defined anointing as “a divine enablement to accomplish a divine task or a supernatural empowering to accomplish supernatural goals.”  I get this definition when I think about David and how he was anointed to be king and how, under that anointing, he was able to kill lions and bears and Goliath, not to mention his warrior skills.  But, even with being anointed, he had to go through training.  He was kept in service to his father being a shepherd, to Saul being a musician and armor bearer, and to his brothers serving them while they were at the battle front.  1 Chron. 14:2 says that God established David as king over Israel.  He specifically selected him and established him.  He chose him and then gave him what he needed to do the job.

But how does that apply to me?  That was the question in my mind this past week.  And it was answered in a most unexpected way.  I was the recipient of a letter of appreciation for being impactful in someone’s life.  As she recounted the ways I’d helped her, I sat there remembering those moments.  They stood out equally for me not because I understood the impact they were having but because it was moments I knew I was following God’s leading.  One moment in particular stands out when, through her deep emotion, I spoke the words, “You are loved.  You are beautiful.  You are loveable.”  I remember feeling slightly awkward in saying those words not because I felt they were untrue.  Rather, it felt more like someone else’s words.

At the risk of sounding horribly arrogant, I see now that my ability is all an anointing to do God’s work.  Much like David, I have had many years of training (although mine are half as many as his) but ultimately, I need God’s anointing and establishing for it all to work.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time….After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.  To Him be dominion forever and ever.  Amen.”

                                          ~ 1 Peter 5:6, 10-11

 

Perfecting the Imperfect

April 9, 2013

I used to be a lot more perfectionistic than I am today.  There is one area where I still struggle though: my craft, whatever craft that may be.  I’ve painted over 650 flower pots but I don’t have one for myself.  I’ve painted Keds shoes and lampshades and didn’t keep a one for me.  I don’t keep them because when I look at whatever it is I’ve done, all I see are the flaws.  It robs my joy and satisfaction in the project.

I’m getting better though.  I’ve painted lettering (Bible verses, songs, class rules, etc.) in several places including two places of my own (my bathroom at home and my office).  I’ve even kept one of my own lace painted platters.  My latest project, a platter, is one I really struggled with, though.  It was difficult right from the start.  The wood just would not absorb the stain evenly.  I think I stained it about six or seven times.  Once I got the pattern transferred, I started painting the major lines and found that my brush was too worn down to give a consistent line.  Being impatient, I didn’t want to wait to order another brush (plus these silly brushes are $30!) so I pushed through and made it work.  But my perfectionistic eye only saw the inconsistencies.  I thought heavily about throwing it away.  It sat for about two weeks while I thought about it.  Because of all the staining and struggling with the brush, I had already put in a lot more hours then I normally would have.  So, I decided to continue on in the hopes that the layering of the strokes would help it.

In the midst of all this, I had a conversation with a coworker about perfectionism.  I suggested to her that the ability to reflect on our mistakes and learn from them can be hindered by perfectionism.  In order to learn from mistakes and failures, you must be able to take off the mask of perfectionism that says to everyone on the outside that I am unflawed, perfect, or even simply okay.  Perfectionists tend to learn their lessons by being very hard and unforgiving of themselves.  To learn the lessons, you must have compassion for self; otherwise, you can’t get past the self-condemnation to see the lesson to be learned.

The platter turned out good.  In fact, it is much better than I anticipated.  My perfectionism robbed me of the joy I usually feel when I paint.  In an effort to learn my lesson better, I decided to put the platter in my office for a few days until I ship it off to the ones I made it for.  I want to look at it and appreciate it for what it is and learn to not pick it apart for its flaws.
 

It turned out to be an object lesson … for me.  I was discussing perfectionism with someone.  Yes, I see the irony here but I also see once again how a theme has run for a week or more for me and how God uses it to teach me.  Anyway, she struggles with perfectionism and ideas of not being good enough.  I handed her the platter not telling her I painted it and asked her what she thought.  She looked at it and said it was beautiful.  “Does it have flaws?” I asked.  She looked it at closer, “Well some of the lines are uneven.”  A small scream sounded in my head.  She continued, “But those lines prove that this is hand painted and not made by some computer that can vector out any line perfectly.  Those lines give it character.”  I just looked at her, probably with a dumbfounded expression.  She looked up and at me and said, “I get it.”

Me too.