Feb. 11, 2014
I always listen to music in the mornings in the bathroom as
I am getting ready for the day. I am not
a morning person so the music helps get me going. It energizes me. This morning, a familiar song came on that I
just love because it always reminds me of how far I have come.
As a kid and a teenager, I was quite different from who I am
now. I look back and it’s almost like I
was a completely different person. Sexual
abuse kills a part of your soul. It
kills that part that says “I have value” or “I am enough” and replaces it with
“I’m damaged goods” and “I am broken.”
And so what that looked like in my life was a lot of introversion, and a
whole lot of seething anger (and sometimes outright boiling anger). I didn’t do well in new or unfamiliar
settings. I say I lost my faith but I
really doubt that I ever had a personal relationship with God. So how could I lose what I never had? I remember when I was thirteen I was washing
the dinner dishes with my mom and I told her that I would probably live with
someone before I married him and that she shouldn’t expect grandkids from
me. It wasn’t a stellar moment. I did things that messed up girls do.
I have very few friendships from that time. I have not maintained any relationships from
high school or my young twenties. I
wonder now if they would even recognize me.
I can only imagine the looks on their faces if I told them that I have
kids and am a Christian. Or, even
better, that I am a counselor working in a church-based counseling center and I
teach at a Baptist university. Ha!
I’m not who I was. I
ended up with a fabulous counselor, George, who took me down the journey
towards healing. He taught me how to
love myself. He led me to forgiveness of
myself and my grandfather. I had a
family who stood behind me every step of the way and who even propped me up
when I couldn’t stand on my own. I had a
preacher/friend who led me to forgiveness of my grandmother and who committed
to a weekly Bible study with Tim and me for a year and was instrumental in my
decision to follow Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
I have a husband who models unconditional and sacrificial love to me
every second of every day.
I call out these people not to give them the credit. Rather, I want to point out just some of the
people God used in my life to bring about healing. I know it is God because only God can do a
work like that. I don’t know if my
healing process will ever be complete.
How could it be? I am human. But I am amazed when I look back at how my
life has changed.
I am not who I was and it is only by God’s amazing grace.
Thank you! I love this post and I love that song! I tell my family that that song was written for me, thank you for sharing!
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