Heart Strong

Dec. 24, 2012

Growing up, there were two families very prominent in my life.  The parents of those two families and my parents are all close friends.  Us kids grew up very close.  The Glenn’s lived across the street until I was in 8^th grade and I think I spent as much time at their house as I did my own.  In fact, they are my god-parents.  The Hartman’s lived just a few miles away and we went to church together forever and we went to school, did all the youth group stuff (including Canadian wilderness canoe trips!), and all the other things that close families do together.  The three men are hunting and fishing buddies for about 45-50 years.  These are people that I have ALWAYS known.

Cora Hartman always struck me as a woman with a gentle heart.  Once, I got locked in their bathroom.  The door lock broke and I couldn’t get out.  I don’t remember how long it took to get me out of there, but with my claustrophobia, it was far too long.  In her soft, southern-Texas accent, she comforted me.  On a sleep-over once, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life.  To this day, because of this dream, my closet door has to be closed when I go to bed.  I laid there in bed crying.  Linda was across the room in her bed and I thought, “How’s she sleeping through my crying?”  That strikes me as funny now.  But, Cora had heard me from her room across the house and came and stroked my hair until I calmed down.

As I have written (ad nauseam), most of my life I’ve had a hard time being excited about Christmas.  But, one of the things I was always excited about at Christmas was getting a plate full of cookies from the Hartman’s.  Yumm!  The iced cut-out sugar cookies were my favorite!  They rank right up there with Mom’s peanut butter kisses.  The plate always arrived a few days before Christmas.  Once her daughters went off to college, the cookies stopped.  Cora would say, “My elves are no longer here to help.”  A vital part of Christmas ended just that quickly.

What most don’t know, though, is that I have carried on this tradition in my adult life.  I used to spend a couple solid days making and decorating cookies and giving them to select people at Christmas time.  Admittedly, over the last few years, the number of recipients has declined to just one family.  The busyness of life and a touch of laziness have intruded on the tradition.  There is one family though who absolutely goes bat crazy (and if you knew them you would wonder, “How do you know the difference?”) for my cookies every year.  It’s so fun to actually give them the cookies because they are so silly.

Even more than fun, it is so heartwarming to have that tradition live on, even when Cora herself does not.  Cora had her victory over cancer last Thursday night, the night I baked the cookies.  It’s a total victory because she never lost her faith or her positive attitude.  So many times, she wrote me and encouraged me in response to my blogs.  Cancer beat her body but not her spirit! 

I looked up the etymology of her name.  Cora is from the Greek meaning “Heart; Maiden” and Hartman is German for “Strong.”  Yup, her name literally means heart strong.  God knew her when she was named.  God knew her when he had her marry and take the Hartman name.  She lived life with grace, dignity, spirit, and faith.  God certainly blessed me to know her.  And, He is blessed to have her with Him in heaven.

Job Well Done

Dec. 21, 2012

Sitting here in the midst of my pity party (party of 1) with a pup by my side growling and woofing at me to get her dinner (when there is a houseful of other people who aren’t busy), I strain to make some sort of sense of what has been going on lately.  It’s overly dramatic to say I feel a bit like Job, especially when blistery, itchy, yucky bumps (Kelsey said, “they look like a ton of fire ant bites”) started coming up on my arms, hands, legs, and feet a couple of days ago, but I have to admit I’m sick of it all.  I don’t want to get into listing all the things because I am trying not to focus too much on the specifics, plus, not all of it is something I want to be public knowledge.  The short answer is that there simply is no sense in it all and I am forced to trust God and His greater plan.  So, in lieu of an answer that really makes me feel better, I’m trying my hardest to reflect on things that are upbeat, positive, and make me feel good.

I finished up a busy semester of teaching three classes at DBU.  In addition to teaching in the classroom, I invariably get to know a few of the students through emails or sitting and chatting after class.  I got one of the coolest comments from one of them this semester.  She saw me in the Patriot café on campus and came over and sat down and said, “I just wanted to tell you that I love our class and you are in the top three of my favorite professors in college.”  It’s stunning to hear that.  We talked more and she said that she is always so shy that she doesn’t like to talk in class but that in my class she always felt safe to speak.  She attributed it to my being a counselor and knowing how to create a safe environment for sharing.

At another time, a student came up to me in class during a test to ask a question about something on the test.  I replied, “Well, what do you think?”  She said, “Are you doing counseling on me right now?”  I burst out laughing right there in the middle of the test.  It made my day.

Another favorite comment I received this past year came from a client.  He told my boss, who had seen him and noted that he was doing better, that “When I started coming to Audra, I was spiritually and emotionally constipated.  Audra was my bran muffin.”  HAHAHA  High praise indeed!!

There is no doubt that it has been a tough year, especially the last few months.  Disappointingly, I have allowed it to negatively affect my mood and attitude.  I have focused more on the negative than on God’s blessings which are many.  I am blessed with an incredible support system that has not ever even come close to letting me down.  I am blessed with a husband who loves me like none other, even when I have my meltdowns.  I work in a counseling center that is so great I don’t feel like I’m going to work.  I teach which blesses me in hanging out with the students and keeping my skills honed.  And, I am blessed to write which helps me process the crud that goes through my mind and always helps me feel better.  And, of course, there are my kids.

I admit I have a bit of Job’s wife in me.  She advised Job to just curse God and renounce his faith.  Be done with it.  I’ll be honest, I have cursed God.  But I refuse to renounce my faith.  So, beyond all other blessings, I am blessed to have a God who will take it from me, who wants it from me, and who can look beyond the anger and see the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, and the frustration……and see my love for Him.

Dreams Come True

Dec. 13, 2012

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had dreams – things I want to experience, things I want to accomplish, places I want to go, and even things I want to have.  I think dreaming is so important in life because it reminds you what is possible.  I’m not sure if I totally go along with the adage, “If you can dream it, then you can get it.”  But, the converse is absolutely true, “If you don’t dream it, you won’t attain it.”  Because, without the dream, how do you make a goal and a plan to reach it?

Last weekend, I was honored to witness a dream come true.  My beloved Rachel married her dream man.  So many prayers were lifted for this day to come.  She stayed faithful and so did God.  I’ve never seen her look more radiant.  I have no doubt that she and Quenton have many dreams for their new life together.

In a conversation at the wedding reception, someone so wisely said that you have to feed your dreams to keep them alive.  Feed them by taking steps toward that goal.  Sometimes, they are just little steps that keep the desire alive.  In applying this to me, I realized that in some ways I am doing this already.  I have a dream to take an anniversary trip to an all-inclusive resort somewhere in the tropics in the next couple of years.  I’ve started selling my lace painting again to help fund the trip but it also feeds the dream.  Every time I complete a project, I know I am one step closer to that resort.

One of my lifelong dreams, well actually for almost as long as I’ve been a mother (I was saved when I was pregnant with Kelsey), was for my kids to have a close walk with our Lord and Savior.  I don’t ever want them to experience the desert in isolation like I have.  I want them to know not just the joy of a rock solid faith, but also the contentment that such a faith provides.  I want them to know that they have a constant companion who loves them no matter what, who loves them simply because they are.  I want them to have that solid sense of self-worth and confidence that only comes when you truly grasp that love and know the cost of that love.  I want them to know with every fiber of their being that they are good enough simply because God created them and bought them with the blood of Jesus Christ.  A wise, old soul in a very young body once said to me, “I want to be so wrapped up in Christ that any man who wants to pursue me, must pursue God.”  I want my kids to be that wrapped up.

How do I feed my dream into someone else?  The obvious first answer is prayer.  That is a given.  The next obvious answer is by my example.  Living and simply being according to my faith sets an example to my kids.  Yesterday and today, I failed.  I allowed my usual Christmas “bad-itude,” which feels like it is on steroids this year, win.  I say this now not to excuse it but rather to expose it to the Light.  Otherwise, darkness continues to grow.  Dreams, especially this dream, grow in the Light.