Write On!

Oct. 26, 2012

I started writing this blog for one reason: to remind me to look for God’s presence in my life regularly, if not daily.  I need this reminder because that process isn’t natural for me.  Historically, I’ve been one to feel so distant from God during times of struggle.  Or, to be more accurate, God always felt far from me during those times.  But, I recognize the old saying is true: “If you feel far from God, who moved?”  God is ever-present so if He truly is everywhere all the time, then how can He move away from me?  So, of course, that leaves the migration to me.  To combat this feeling that is actually a lie, I look to see how God is with me.  When I see Him, I can feel Him.  He is tangible.

I’ve realized a few great side benefits to my writing.  First, it makes me take a little time to do something that is just for me.  It is a time that feeds me intellectually.  There have been many times that I gain a new insight about myself, my situation, my faith, or whatever during the process of writing.  It is a time of personal growth.

There is something different about going a step further and writing about seeing God working rather than just making a mental note of it.  It’s going deeper still (high 5 Bible study sisters!).  Writing not only feeds me intellectually, it feeds me spiritually.  When I see God work in my life, it is rock solid proof that He loves me.  God is outside of time.  Time is an earthly concept that is tied only to the Earth’s revolution, both of itself and of its part in the solar system revolving around the sun.  But God is not bound to just Earth; God is everywhere.  So, because God is outside of time, then He sees all time at once.  He sees past, present, and future all laid out before Him.  So, if you think about it, God sees all that ever was and all that is and all that ever will be at the same time.  And, in all of that, He sees little, tiny, SIGNIFICANT me.  I know I am significant because in all that He sees, past, present, and future, He works in my life and makes Himself known to me.  That concept alone feeds my spirit.

Finally, writing has become my therapy.  There have been times when I couldn’t sleep or times when I just needed to express what was on my heart.  Sitting down and writing calmed me.  Other times, it has served as a form of “talking myself into it” when I needed to hear that God was still here with me and that He cared.  Writing is also a sort of self-validation because there are certainly times when I re-read certain posts because I need to hear it again.  I need to remind myself.

So, my little jaunt into the blog-o-sphere has served me well.  I never thought this would be so fruitful for me.  I’ve grown personally, my faith has deepened and solidified, and I’ve even heard that others are enriched by it too.  A great win-win!

Gifted

Oct. 17, 2012

I remember the first time I picked up a book on lace painting.  I was in Hobby Lobby looking for an idea that I could paint at both ends of a scripture I had painted on Lettia's wall.  I looked at the cover and thought, "I can do this."  It was a confidence that said, "I can" not "I'll try."  I bought the book, paint, a paintbrush, and transfer paper.

I picked out a design and roughly practiced it once and then painted it on the wall.  It looked pretty good.  So, I bought a plain hinged unfinished box and stained it and chose a design that would look good on the lid.  Because I tend slightly toward the night-owlish, I started to work on it at 10 pm.  By midnight, I was really excited about how good it was looking.  By 12:30, I couldn't contain myself anymore and I woke up Tim to show him.  Have I said lately just how wonderful (and wonderfully patient) Tim is?

Lettia's wall and my first lace painting

That box now resides on Lettia's desk (I just realized that she got my first and second painting projects.  How’d that happen?).  By now, I've painted many boxes, serving trays, and a platter.  I love the painting and making money from it is a great side benefit.  What's odd to me is that I have to drag myself to do it even though I really enjoy it once I do.  I don't understand that at all.

We are all gifted.  Each gift is as individual as the person who has it.  Each gift is from God.  If God gave me this gift, then surely there is a point to it.  Usually when you recognize your gift, it is easier to discern the point of it.  There is always a method to the madness.  Is that too sacrilegious to compare God's plans to madness?  Maybe so.

Lately, there seems to be so much chaos around me.  I think more and more that the counseling center that I am a part of is under spiritual attack.  Several of us counselors are struggling with things right now, including my boss (and friend!) and her husband being hit and severely injured by a hit and run driver while sitting still at a traffic light just six days before their daughter's wedding.  It took 2 1/2 years to figure out a diagnosis that should cover all Kelsey health struggles and after this long of a journey it is a little hard to totally believe.  Aron has had strep throat twice in a month. 

In processing this as I write, I realize the things I get from lace painting: satisfaction, distraction, escape, and a sense of peace while doing it.  Perhaps I have been thinking about the painting wrong.  It has felt like just one more thing on my plate to take care.  That plate is already so full. But, in reality, the painting supplies a better escape than vegging in front of the TV.  God has given me the gift but I have to step away from what I feel and rest in the faith that He knows what is good for me.

“And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest, but to those who were disobedient?  So we see that they were not able to enter because of unbelief.  Therefore, let us fear if, while a promise remains of entering His rest, any one of you may seem to have come short of it.  For indeed we have had good news preached to us, just as they also; but the word they heard did not profit them, because it was not united by faith in those who heard.  For we who have believed enter that rest, just as He has said.”

~ ~ Hebrews 3:18-4:3

Deep and Wide

Oct. 4, 2012

A large part of my job as a counselor is to help people learn to love and accept themselves – not just as how they should love themselves but how God loves them.  It is astounding how many people don’t fully grasp and accept the love that God has for them.

I used to be one of those people.  I used to know only my worthlessness.  I used to know only that I am dirty.  I was shameful in its truest sense – full of shame.  I can’t say that I ever hated myself but I sure didn’t like what I saw.  And, if I didn’t like what I saw, then how could anyone else?

“Does God love you?” I asked.

“The Bible says He does.  So, yes,” she said.  It’s the Sunday school answer.

“Why would He love you?  How do you know?  What proof do you have?”  I pushed further.

“Because Jesus died for me,” she responded.

“And, He made you.  He made you and bought you.  You are His twice over,” I said.

“I just wish I felt it,” she said.

“What are you expecting to feel?” I asked.  I get a stunned look in response.

“Well that’s a good question.  I don’t know.”

“Are you expecting a warm and ooshy gooshy love feeling?”  She knows me well enough to know that I am not mocking her.  We sit in silence for a moment as she ponders the question.  “Warm and ooshy gooshy isn’t what I feel.”

She asked the obvious next question.

Once I fully got it, once I really grasped that God loved me for no other reason than that He created me and He bought me with the blood of Jesus Christ, my confidence grew.  No longer was my self-worth based on what I thought of myself.  No longer was it based on knowing that someone else devalued me.  No longer was it based on what I could or couldn’t do or who I did or didn’t know.  God loves me because I am me.  Plain and simple.

With accepting that truth, the possibility of failure loses its sting.  I no longer shrink from challenges.  With knowing God’s devotion and longing for me, I no longer doubt His presence in my life.  With understanding His steadfast love for me, I can be angry with Him and know that it is OK.  Fully realizing God’s unfailing, unconditional, unchanging love gives me a confidence that says, “I’m OK.”  Someone may not like me and that may hurt my feelings but that doesn’t affect me to my core.  I may fail horribly at something and I’ll be disappointed in myself but that doesn’t affect me to my core.  I’m OK because God says I am. 

It’s hard to say exactly how you come to fully realize this.  Part of it is coming to a point of being so tired of carrying the old junk that holds you down that you decide to try something new.  The old way of thinking doesn’t get you where you want to be so you have to try thinking something different.  If holding onto lies fails you, then what do you do?  Hold on to the truth.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
                                                                                                                ~ ~ Eph. 3:16-19