10,000 Kamp Blessings

September 28, 2012

While I was driving in the car the other day, my niece and my daughter were in the backseat talking.  I heard one say to the other, “I miss camp.”  My heart warmed.  Every year, camp is the third week of June and here it is the end of September and they are missing camp.  We must be doing something right.  Of course, in saying that I recognize we can’t take most of the credit.  God works through every single person, camper and staff, to make camp special and memorable.

We call the camp “Kamp Koinonia.”  Yes, camp with a “K.”  That then makes all the campers “Kampers” and the cooks “Kooks.”  Koinonia means “communion by intimate participation.”  Is there a more perfect name for a church camp where 100 people spend a solid 7 days eating, sleeping, sitting, playing, worshipping, and sweating together? The fellowship triangle is always at work at camp.  As we focus on God and draw near to Him, we draw nearer to each other.

You Me

Just a few minutes after the comment, a song titled, “10,000 Reasons,” came on the radio and, from the backseat, I heard, “Awww.  The wake up song.”  The truth is I miss camp too.  There are so many great memories made every year.  This year, on our way up to camp the day before it started, Lila and I realized we both loved the same new song, “10,000 Reasons.”  I love it because I never really thought about how my soul praising the Lord blesses Him.  It’s a new perspective for me.

Then, of course, we couldn’t get it off our minds.  We sang it all the time…well the parts that we knew…and sometimes on key.  We would go around asking people, “Hey, do you know the song ’10,000 Reasons’?”  Much to our delight, they never did.  So we sang it to them.  I think (well, I’m pretty sure) we got more enjoyment out of it than they did.  At one point, after just a short day or two, when we asked some poor unsuspecting soul our question, Kelsey muttered, “Just tell’em you know it.”  It makes me laugh to this day!

Then Judy, another of the girls’ counselors, found it on her iPod and she had small speakers to play it on.  Every morning, she would come in playing it on the speakers to wake everyone up.  Thus, “the wake up song.”  It is a song that will forever have this association for me.

Camp is hard work.  There are months and months of preparation.  It takes a staff of about 30 adults to make it work.  It’s hot.  It’s sweaty.  It’s exhausting.  It’s sleep-depriving.  And, it’s one of the best weeks of the year.

 

Should've Been Me

Sept. 20, 2012

I was driving this afternoon and thinking about two different things at the same time.  I’m not sure if that is being a bit scattered or it is giftedness.  So, I’ll just choose to land on the positive one.  I was thinking about Kelsey and her new diagnosis of Lyme and what suffering she has been through over the last 2 ½ years.  I so admire her and the grace and sheer determination she has displayed during this time.  As a mom, I want to take it from her.  It hurts so much to see her hurt.  I’d so much rather just have it myself.  “Why couldn’t it have been me?” I thought.

I was also wondering and praying about what I would write about this week.  “God, what do you want me to write?” I asked aloud.  It was then that my attention was drawn to a song introduction that gave the motivation for writing the song.  The artist was leading worship at a summer church camp and he asked the kids what had impacted them the most over the week.  One stood up and said, “I’ve always known that Jesus died for our sins but what hit me this week is that it really should have been me up there.”  The artist said he had never heard it put this way and it stuck with him so he wrote a song about it.

It’s so unfair that Jesus had to pay for my sins.  He bore the persecution, the pain, the guilt, and the scars for me.  But God took that payment, and therefore, I am free.  Through His mighty gift of grace, He took care of me.  I can’t quite describe how it all works together, but in the same way that God took care of Jesus, took him from his pain, and even raised him in victory over it, I believe that God will work the same with Kelsey.  Someone told me yesterday that God knows Kelsey and that He will take care of her.  In the wake of hearing the diagnosis yesterday, I had a hard time hearing that.  Today, I get it a little better. 

I still wish that it would’ve been me to get this illness.  Now, though, I know that because God knows Kelsey, He will raise her in victory over this damned illness.

The song is “Should’ve Been Me” by Citizen Way.

Forgiveness - Part 2 of 2

September 14, 2012

Two is Better than One

     As with all walks in life, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual, it is important to have at least one companion who can listen to you, with whom you can reveal your innermost feelings, and who can provide solid, sound, and Biblical guidance.  I was lucky enough to have a few people willing to take the walk with me: people who would love me no matter what, people who could teach me about forgiveness, and people who would just sit and listen or hold me when I cried.  While the task of forgiveness can be done alone, I am not sure that I could have done it without support.  Please do not misunderstand and think that I am discounting the ever-loving and all-knowing presence of God.  Not at all.  Indeed, God realizes the importance of Christian support as evidenced by his urging us to not “give up meeting together” and to “encourage one another” (Heb. 10:25).  Also, Jesus, when dispatching the disciples to spread the gospel, sent them in pairs knowing that they needed the support that each would give.

     On my path, I had recognized that I needed to forgive my grandmother, not so much for her sake, but for my own.  I knew that, in trying to punish her with my unforgiveness, I was only punishing myself more.  And, I truly understood that her judgment was not my task but God’s and that only God could truly judge her heart.

Opening Your Heart

     Prayer is another step on the path to healing.  Pray for yourself.  Pray for the strength and endurance to complete the walk.  Pray for the wisdom necessary to handle the struggles and the obstacles that will surely come your way.  Pray for God to open your heart to true forgiveness.  Then, pray for the one you need to forgive.  Jesus, in his Sermon on the Mount, preached, “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:44).  At first, it may well feel like a forced prayer spoken begrudgingly.  But, as you continue praying, your heart will begin to soften.  By sincerely praying for someone, you are wishing them the best.  It is contradictory to pray for someone and still wish them harm.

     Another vital step in forgiveness is developing compassionate eyes.  The inherent and implied attitude in unforgiveness is judgmentalism.  In condemning others, it is easy to forget that I am a sinner too.  Sin is sin in God’s eyes – one is not less (or more) offensive than another.  It is man that puts values on sins, as evidenced by our legal system.  So, when we judge others, we are essentially comparing our own sins to theirs.  I don’t want to stack my sins up against anyone else.

     The step from prayer to the actual moment of forgiveness is difficult to describe.  Sometimes, the final step is a result of time, distance, and prayer allowing a slow release of the burden.  Sometimes, that moment of forgiveness comes in a flood of emotion.  Either way, I believe that God’s grace invited through unceasing prayer is the catalyst in the final step.

     It is necessary at this point, after making the choice to forgive, spending time in prayer, and consciously battling judgmentalism, to remember that Satan sees you moving on the right path.  That is always his cue to get busy.  He will put obstacles and temptations in your way.  Things that were once easy may now suddenly become difficult.  Negative thoughts in your head may become more insistent and pervasive in your daily life.  He may spawn a spirit of doubt that will have you think that this task is too big or too painful to accomplish.  I am always mindful of what happened just after Jesus was baptized and God spoke those incredible words, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased” (Matt. 3:17). Right after that is when Jesus went into the desert and was tempted by Satan.  If it happened to Jesus, it can certainly happened to us.

     Although I have laid out some steps that are common to most who walk the path to forgiveness, the path is still unique to each individual.  There are different times, different places, different reasons, different prayers, and different struggles for everyone.  Sometimes forgiveness comes in a slow growth to where one day you realize the burden is just a bit lighter than the day before.  Sometimes it comes easily.  Sometimes it is a long, arduous process culminating at a soul-moving moment.

The End of the Walk

     It had been a year or more since I decided to forgive my grandmother.  The burden was too heavy and the wounds far too old.  It was time.  I stepped onto the path.  I prayed for God to open my heart.  I prayed for the strength to do it.  And, I prayed for my grandmother.  And, I began to see her weakness with some compassion.  It was hard.  For so many years, my anger and resentment bolstered my strength.  Letting it go made me feel weak.

     Paul, in 2 Cor. 12:9-10, said, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

     It was at my grandmother’s funeral that I completed my path.  For the observer, it would have appeared that I was overcome with grief.  Instead, I had realized how strong I was through forgiveness.  That day, anger and resentment was replaced with the love of Christ and I never felt stronger.  It was overwhelming.  The relief I felt from releasing the burden was so great that I even felt regret for not forgiving her sooner.  I had wasted so much energy dragging that burden throughout my life.

     I used to so wish that the abuse had never happened to me.  Now I know that it is just a part of who I am.  I am not defined by it.  It is not my entire identity.  I also know now that I would not be the person I am today without this part of me.  God’s plan wasn’t for me to go through all that.  That was Satan’s plan.  I am now at a place of acceptance that is embraced by self-love that is only possible by fully receiving God’s love.  I am a child of God and I am worthy and full of hope.  And, by the grace of God, I am strong!

And now, for your listening enjoyment, one of my current favorites!

 

Forgiveness - Part 1 of 2

September 5, 2012

I originally wrote this article about five years ago just for myself.  The timing then just wasn’t right to publish it or to share.  The time is right now.  It is too long for just one posting so I am breaking it up into 2 segments.

Doing the Impossible

     “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matt. 6:14-15).  This verse is one of the reasons that I left God for about ten years.  There were other reasons, too, but this was certainly among them.  How could God possibly expect me to forgive the unforgivable?  And, because I am not able to do the impossible, now He condemns me—He cannot forgive me!  How is that possible?  How could God fault me for not being able to do the impossible?

     For about ten years of my childhood I was sexually molested by my grandfather.  Nobody knew about it—except my grandmother.  It left me with so many open wounds, so much baggage: shame, guilt, anger, depression, hopelessness, and rage.  All of this because of one sick person (to me, he was always just a sick bastard) and one very weak person.

     Surprisingly, I found it much more difficult to deal with the weak person.  It was not at her hands that I suffered the abuse.  But, it was her weakness that let it continue.  In her weakness, she could not, or did not, protect me.  That is why forgiving her was the hardest and most soul-wrenching thing I have ever had to do.

     Yes, had to.  I had to do it.  I had to for my healing.  And, I had to in order to be right with God.  I had to learn to do the impossible.

The Circle of Forgiveness

     I envision the process of forgiveness as a circle with steps along the way.  Coming full circle would mean that forgiveness was given and received and a relationship is renewed, and sometimes even strengthened.  But, what if forgiveness is not received?  What if the other person does not want or feel the need to be forgiven?  What if the other person is no longer alive?  What if renewing a relationship with that person is not emotionally or spiritually healthy for the one forgiving?  Forgiveness still needs to be given.  Jesus did not put conditions or exceptions on his command.  He simply said, “forgive others.”

     The circle does not have to be completed for forgiveness to do its work.  A renewed relationship is not required.  To forgive means to release the resentment.  You release the anger targeted at the person, you release the hatred, you release the ill-feelings and bitterness, you release the burden that binds your heart and soul.  You release it to God.

     Forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving – not for the one being forgiven.  Unforgiveness is a burden so heavy that it keeps you from fully reaching to God.  Unforgiveness disguises itself as strength because anger and resentment feel powerful.  Unforgiveness is a wall that is erected in the hopes of never being hurt again.  But, within that wall are unhealed wounds, loneliness, and a guardedness that robs you of close relationships.

The Medicine of Forgiveness

     Forgiving my grandmother was for me, not for her.  I know that she was sincerely sorry for the choices she made.  I know that she wanted a renewed relationship with me.  But, I could not do what she wanted.  Being around her kept my memories too close to the surface.  It felt like pouring alcohol on my wounds.  I do not believe that time heals all wounds.  However, time and distance can help dull the memory as well as the edge of anger allowing room for forgiveness to begin.  Forgiveness, for the one forgiving, heals open wounds.  Clinging to the hurt, holding a grudge, or feeling the anger only infects the wounds.  Forgiveness is the antibiotic.

Choosing the Path

     Forgiveness is an active choice.  It is not a passive event that just happens to you.  You make the choice and the choice requires you to do something.  The first step is, indeed, the choice to step onto the path of healing.  You decide that it is time to let the offense go and relegate it to the past where it rightfully belongs.  You decide that the burden you carry is too heavy or just not worth the effort anymore.  Or, you do it because that is what God calls you to do.

     Sometimes people refuse to forgive because it is their form of punishment.  “I’ll never let you live it down!”  “I’ll hate you for the rest of my life!”  It is as if, through forgiveness, the other person will be let off the hook.  If you remain angry and resentful, then you can keep the illusion of control.  But, you have no control over how someone else feels.  Plus, God’s punishment is far worse than anything I or anyone else can dream of or inflict.  The writer of Hebrews said, “For we know Him who said, again, ‘The Lord will judge His people.’ It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Heb. 10:30-31).

     Another misconception about forgiveness is that, if you forgive, then you are saying that what happened is OK.  That is not forgiveness at all.  Forgiveness is not condoning an action.  Sweeping things under the rug only stinks up the room.  Forgiveness is accepting what happened and releasing the continued ill feelings that prevent you from moving on.

(Part 2 next week)

A-S-K

Sept. 2, 2012

A few times a year, I visit a church in Oak Cliff, Oak Gardens Church of Christ.  I love it because the singing rejuvenates my spirit much like camp singing does.  Oak Gardens is a predominately African-American church and the style of singing stirs joy deep within me.  Sometimes, my joy feels lost and I will go there and I always realize that my joy wasn’t lost, it was just buried beneath stress, fatigue, and discouragement.  As a bonus this morning, I saw it lift Kelsey too when, during a particularly good song, she looked at me and just smiled that wide, gorgeous smile of hers.  And, as Kelsey said today, “You have no choice but to listen to the sermon.”

For the last 2-3 months, I have tried to remain focused on simply seeking God first.  I’ve tried diligently to focus less on my wants and needs and instead see how God stays true to His word and character.  My weekly Bible study, “Discerning the Voice of God,” prompted this focus and has me, even more so, looking for how God is talking to me, taking care of me, and working in my life.  That sounds like it is all about me but, without me first seeking and listening, I wouldn’t be seeing.

Today’s sermon was about Matt. 7:7-11 – Ask, Seek, and Knock.  The part that so hit home for me was that you first have to seek, then you knock.  Without first seeking, how will you know God?  Without first seeking, how will you know His voice or His will?  We must first seek God so that we can know His voice and walk in His way.  So, when we know God, when we knock on the door we can listen to see who answers.

“The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep.  The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice.  He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”         ~ John 10:2-4