I originally wrote this article about five years ago just for myself. The timing then just wasn’t right to publish it or to share. The time is right now. It is too long for just one posting so I am breaking it up into 2 segments.
Doing the Impossible
“For if you forgive others for their
transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your
Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matt. 6:14-15). This verse is one of the reasons that I left
God for about ten years. There were
other reasons, too, but this was certainly among them. How could God possibly expect me to forgive
the unforgivable? And, because I am not
able to do the impossible, now He condemns me—He cannot forgive me! How is that possible? How could God fault me for not being able to
do the impossible?
For about ten
years of my childhood I was sexually molested by my grandfather. Nobody knew about it—except my
grandmother. It left me with so many
open wounds, so much baggage: shame, guilt, anger, depression, hopelessness,
and rage. All of this because of one
sick person (to me, he was always just a sick bastard) and one very weak
person.
Surprisingly, I
found it much more difficult to deal with the weak person. It was not at her hands that I suffered the
abuse. But, it was her weakness that let
it continue. In her weakness, she could not,
or did not, protect me. That is why
forgiving her was the hardest and most soul-wrenching thing I have ever had to
do.
Yes, had to. I had
to do it. I had to for my healing. And, I had to in order to be right with
God. I had to learn to do the
impossible.
The Circle of
Forgiveness
I envision the
process of forgiveness as a circle with steps along the way. Coming full circle would mean that
forgiveness was given and received and a relationship is renewed, and sometimes
even strengthened. But, what if
forgiveness is not received? What if the
other person does not want or feel the need to be forgiven? What if the other person is no longer alive? What if renewing a relationship with that
person is not emotionally or spiritually healthy for the one forgiving? Forgiveness still needs to be given. Jesus did not put conditions or exceptions on
his command. He simply said, “forgive others.”
The circle does
not have to be completed for forgiveness to do its work. A renewed relationship is not required. To forgive means to release the
resentment. You release the anger
targeted at the person, you release the hatred, you release the ill-feelings
and bitterness, you release the burden that binds your heart and soul. You release it to God.
Forgiveness is
for the one doing the forgiving – not for the one being forgiven. Unforgiveness is a burden so heavy that it
keeps you from fully reaching to God.
Unforgiveness disguises itself as strength because anger and resentment
feel powerful. Unforgiveness is a wall
that is erected in the hopes of never being hurt again. But, within that wall are unhealed wounds,
loneliness, and a guardedness that robs you of close relationships.
The Medicine of
Forgiveness
Forgiving my
grandmother was for me, not for her. I
know that she was sincerely sorry for the choices she made. I know that she wanted a renewed relationship
with me. But, I could not do what she
wanted. Being around her kept my
memories too close to the surface. It
felt like pouring alcohol on my wounds.
I do not believe that time heals all wounds. However, time and distance can help dull the
memory as well as the edge of anger allowing room for forgiveness to
begin. Forgiveness, for the one
forgiving, heals open wounds. Clinging
to the hurt, holding a grudge, or feeling the anger only infects the
wounds. Forgiveness is the antibiotic.
Choosing the Path
Forgiveness is an
active choice. It is not a passive event
that just happens to you. You make the
choice and the choice requires you to do something. The first step is, indeed, the choice to step
onto the path of healing. You decide
that it is time to let the offense go and relegate it to the past where it
rightfully belongs. You decide that the
burden you carry is too heavy or just not worth the effort anymore. Or, you do it because that is what God calls
you to do.
Sometimes people
refuse to forgive because it is their form of punishment. “I’ll never let you live it down!” “I’ll hate you for the rest of my life!” It is as if, through forgiveness, the other
person will be let off the hook. If you
remain angry and resentful, then you can keep the illusion of control. But, you have no control over how someone
else feels. Plus, God’s punishment is
far worse than anything I or anyone else can dream of or inflict. The writer of Hebrews said, “For we know Him who said, again, ‘The Lord
will judge His people.’ It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the
living God” (Heb. 10:30-31).
Another misconception
about forgiveness is that, if you forgive, then you are saying that what
happened is OK. That is not forgiveness
at all. Forgiveness is not condoning an
action. Sweeping things under the rug
only stinks up the room. Forgiveness is
accepting what happened and releasing the continued ill feelings that prevent
you from moving on.
(Part 2 next week)
(Part 2 next week)
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