Clarifying Life

April 25, 2014

I’ve been watching videos of sermons and TED talks while I am exercising on my recumbent bike.  It is hitting two birds with one stone: I always learn something plus it makes the time go really quickly.  This morning’s TED talk caught my eye because of what I have been teaching in my Human Growth and Development class.  It is a class that covers physical, cognitive, social, and personality development across the lifespan.  Given that it is the end of the semester, we have been learning about late adulthood which, of course, then includes discussion of looking towards death, becoming more relational, and evaluating your life.

So, when I saw a TED talk titled “Before I die I want to…” I was intrigued.  Developmentally, I am in the stage called middle adulthood.  Maybe that is why I am thinking more about my bucket list – that list of all the things I want to do before I die.  The list is growing and I love hearing other people’s ideas so I hit “play” on the video.  It is a great talk and I’ve included a link to it below if you want to take the very few minutes to watch it for yourself.

The statement that most caught my attention and caused me to think was towards the end when she said, “Thinking about death clarifies your life.”  There is a lot packed into those six words.  Thinking about death in a positive way that says, “My time is limited and becoming more and more precious, what am I going to do with it?”  We’ve all heard the saying that we should live our lives as if each day were our first and last.  When looking at things with a sense of wonder and excitement, that works.  When looking at relationships that need to be fixed, or wrongs that need to be righted, that works.  But, practically speaking, if I knew I only had a very short time to live, I would do something incredibly different than what I have planned for today.  I wouldn’t go get my hair cut, I wouldn’t sit out by the pool.  I’d probably jump on a plane to somewhere in Europe or the Mediterranean.

Knowing that our time is limited and more precious is certainly based on the assumption of living an average life span.  It is looking forward to what do I want to do and that is largely based on looking back and evaluating what I have already done.

“Thinking about death clarifies your life” also hit me since we have just celebrated Easter which is about not just the resurrection of our Lord and Savior but also His sacrificial death.  When I think about that death, it absolutely clarifies my life.  When I think about what He went through for me, it absolutely clarifies my life.  When I think about the love that He has for me that motivated Him to take on my sin and become my intercessor, it absolutely clarifies my life.  When I think about the fact that He arose from the grave and He lives, it absolutely clarifies my life.  When I think about how he sent the Holy Spirit to be my counselor, my comforter and that it indwells me, it absolutely clarifies my life.

“For God so loved [Audra] that He gave His only begotten Son”

~ ~ John 3:16 (Audra’s personalized version)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uebxlIrosiM

Hopeful Endurance

April 16, 2014

I’ve been having a lot of migraines lately.  For the last five weeks or so, it seemed they were occurring about once a week.  One was so bad I was throwing up.  For the most part, though, I work through it the best I can.  Last week, someone said to me, “I don’t know how you do it when you have a migraine.”  She was wondering how I keep going, how do I go to work, etc.  That particular day the headache was about a 6/10 on the pain scale.

I told her that I have found that if I just get going in what I need to do, the distraction works to get my mind off the headache.  In thinking about it more, I usually tend to remember a quote from my grandmother, “I’m going to feel bad either way so I may as well get up and do something.”  That’s true a lot of the time.  Granted there are some headaches that put me in bed but most I try to power through on this philosophy.

Later that afternoon, I was driving to campus to teach class and I was remembering the conversation about my headaches.  It dawned on me that there is actually a much bigger motivation – one that I had known but had never really put words to.  Just the night before, in a Bible study with my small group sisters, we were discussing two types of patience in the Bible. 

One type of patience derives from the Greek word makrothumia which means long-suffering, endurance, or perseverance.  It is putting up with things or circumstances.  The other type of patience derives from the Greek word hupomone which also means endurance and perseverance but with an important distinction: it is inspired by hope.  It is looking for a positive outcome or expected end.

I bring this up not to get lost in Greek words (which is what happens to me) but rather highlight what this looks like in action.  When I have a bad headache, I try my best to get up and get going because the distraction is good for me.  But I also get up and get going because I have hope of my headache getting better.  I have hope that if I get moving that maybe my neck will loosen up which will alleviate my headache.  I have hope that the medication will kick in and alleviate my headache.  Hope is my real motivation.

We all have things we struggle with.  Because of what I do professionally, I see people’s struggles all the time.  But why do we struggle?  Why do we keep pushing through?  Because the big picture is not the struggles.  The big picture is the hope of eternal life with my God and my Lord and Savior.  The point of this world is not this world but rather to look toward the positive outcome or expected end.  I am full of hope!

“Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.  For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.”

~~ Heb. 10:35-36

Feeling Like Jonah

Mar. 18, 2014

“I don’t want to and you can’t make me.”  It’s a short little sentence and I remember it verbatim.  It came from the mouth of my strong-willed, sensitive child some 10 years ago.  I don’t have a clue what it was I had told him to do.  But I remember vividly that we were in my bedroom and he was standing in front of the armoire.  I remember, too, the visual image in my head of seeing smoke shoot out both my ears, much like in the cartoons.  I was so angry that all I could manage to say was “You may have won this battle but tomorrow I will win the war.  Go to your room.”

The next day, I called him to the breakfast table and informed him that we were going to do a Bible study.  We read the book of Jonah together aloud, discussing it as we went.  I don’t remember exactly how long it took but it was around a couple of hours.  At the end, I asked him, “Why did we study this?”  “Because Jonah told God, ‘I don’t want to and you can’t make me,’” he said.  Mission accomplished.  As with all successful missions, you need to write a report on it, so he did.

From time to time, that insolence, I mean independent spirit, would rear its head and all we had to say was, “What did Jonah tell God?” and he got the message.  It was a lesson well learned.  For him.

For the last nine months or so, and for the last two months, I have felt like Jonah in two different areas of my life.  So much so that for the longer one, I am still not prepared to discuss it.  I’m still holding out hope that I am misunderstanding God.  So, I will let this one be.  The other one, for the past couple of months, is a huge stretch for me personally and professionally.  I have thought a lot about whether to write about this because I really don’t want any added pressure or well-meaning kudos. 

When I first started thinking about this, actually it was more like God saying, “You should do this,” it scared me bad.  It is so far outside of my box and fear of failure is screaming at me.  In fact, the first couple of times I talked to select people about it, I cried.  I know what God is telling me but I am telling Him, “I don’t want to and you can’t make me.”  As coincidences go (there are no such things as coincidences), Kelsey sent me a video of Sophie, our dog, getting in trouble for getting into the bathroom trash.  She is so pitiful and it is funny from that standpoint.  But as I heard Tim commanding her to “Come here” and then saw him gently drag her passive resistant body to the trash can, I thought, “That’s me and God right now.”

I have prayed a lot about all of this.  Surprisingly, my prayers have not been me trying to talk God out of it.  No, rather I have been asking for equipping, peace, and excitement.  Lord knows (and He truly does!), that I can’t do this well without being excited about it.

The truth is that in the last week I have been feeling just a bit excited about it.  The video is more accurate for me a week ago.  Now, as I am writing this and analyzing it more for myself, I am realizing something else too.  When I told someone near and dear to me that I was feeling like Jonah, she asked, “So what’s your Ninevah?”  I told her and she encouraged me in it.  In thinking about it more now, I am not sure if my Ninevah is this “project” or a fear of failure.  I am not used to feeling that fear.  I don’t think I have ever really stepped out to try something that I didn't first feel reasonably assured that I would succeed.  Ever since I completed my internship, I've been praying for a new long term goal/challenge.  Maybe this is it.

God is working and I am okay with it.

Keep on Keepin’ On

Feb. 26, 2014

I’ve noticed a shift in my mantra lately.  For the last 3-4 years, it has been “Into your hands, O Lord.”  It has been my little prayer when I worry or have been stressed.  When Kelsey would pass out, “Into your hands, O Lord” was always in my mind.  When Aron got his motorcycle and he would pull out of the driveway, revving his engine (the one on his bike and the one inside him) all the way, “Into your hands, O Lord” invariably came out of me.

I had to use it much less in the last 6 months.  My stress level has been so much lower and I am so thankful!  But in the last couple of months, we have seen a bit of a relapse occurring with Kelsey.  Symptoms are returning.  We have been to the doctor twice in the last eight weeks and I talked to the doctor on the phone today in order to speed up treatment.  I am concerned about the decline we are seeing.

But I am in a different place this time.  I know that we will never get back to a place that was as bad as it was before with Kelsey.  We will always catch her symptoms early.  Now that we know the name of the monster, we can see it and fight it so much better.  So, my mantra doesn’t feel appropriate anymore.  As I was thinking about all of this about a week ago, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what my new mantra should be until I heard a song at just that moment…..because that is how God works.

And so, as I was driving home tonight after my Bible study sisters small group, I was thinking about what I should write about and guess what song comes on…. Yup, because that is how God works.  This mantra is for me but it is also for my sisters who are struggling too: one who is recovering from surgery, one who is battling cancer, one who is hurting so deeply, one who’s father-in-law is in his last days, one whose son is in constant pain, and one whose father has persistent medical problems and a difficult mother who adds to the problems.

I can only assume the song’s inspiration comes from Phil. 3:13-14,

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
 I press on toward the goal
 to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

The song lyric is “Doesn’t matter where I’m going if I’m going with You; I press on, I press on, I press on.”

Yes, “I press on.”                            

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQsRKCH59qw

His Presence is His Present

Written Feb. 4, 2014

Published 2/18/14

Today is a gift.  That is something I have especially learned in the last 3 ½, well nearing on 4, years.  Through Kelsey’s illness, it was sometimes so very difficult not to think about tomorrow.  What would the future look like?  Will she better?  Or worse?  This was especially true before we got the Lyme disease diagnosis.  Uncertainty loomed large.

Somehow, I, the one who likes to plan ahead and set my plans in stone, learned to live more in the moment and leave those uncertainties to God.  This work started early in our marriage because Tim worked in network support.  So many times our plans changed due to last minute support calls.  I think it is one of those times where God started working on me preparing me for the future.  So, with Kelsey’s illness, there rarely seemed to ever be firm plans that weren’t in any way dependent on how she felt.  In retrospect, I see that when I got mired in the uncertainties of the future when I got depressed.  But now I see an interesting irony.  When I focused on the uncertainties of the future, I felt hopeless and lonely.  However, now when I look back at the times when I felt stronger, it was often because I was letting God handle the uncertainties.  It was then that I felt hope.  I was hopeful because if there are uncertainties and I have given them to God then I know that He has plenty of room to work.  Uncertainties provide possibilities.

So I have learned to know what I have today.  Of course, I am human and incredibly fallible and I have had my moments of worry over the last month.  Kelsey is struggling a bit more with fatigue and some other minor symptoms.  Lyme disease doesn’t go away.  It is something that will always be in Kelsey’s and our lives.  And so, as we are actively planning college for her, we are having to keep in mind what she is capable of today and make no assumptions of it being in any different in the future.  It is part of accepting life as it is.

God promises us today.  The future he promises is not tomorrow or the day after; rather it is eternal life with Him in heaven.  Just as He provided manna and quail on a daily basis, He provides daily for me.  I feast with joy in his daily provision.  Because His loving presence is my strength and comfort and protection, I have hope in the uncertainties of life.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

~ ~ Ps. 28:7

Now and Then … or … Before and After

Feb. 11, 2014

I always listen to music in the mornings in the bathroom as I am getting ready for the day.  I am not a morning person so the music helps get me going.  It energizes me.  This morning, a familiar song came on that I just love because it always reminds me of how far I have come.

As a kid and a teenager, I was quite different from who I am now.  I look back and it’s almost like I was a completely different person.  Sexual abuse kills a part of your soul.  It kills that part that says “I have value” or “I am enough” and replaces it with “I’m damaged goods” and “I am broken.”  And so what that looked like in my life was a lot of introversion, and a whole lot of seething anger (and sometimes outright boiling anger).  I didn’t do well in new or unfamiliar settings.  I say I lost my faith but I really doubt that I ever had a personal relationship with God.  So how could I lose what I never had?  I remember when I was thirteen I was washing the dinner dishes with my mom and I told her that I would probably live with someone before I married him and that she shouldn’t expect grandkids from me.  It wasn’t a stellar moment.  I did things that messed up girls do.

I have very few friendships from that time.  I have not maintained any relationships from high school or my young twenties.  I wonder now if they would even recognize me.  I can only imagine the looks on their faces if I told them that I have kids and am a Christian.  Or, even better, that I am a counselor working in a church-based counseling center and I teach at a Baptist university.  Ha!

I’m not who I was.  I ended up with a fabulous counselor, George, who took me down the journey towards healing.  He taught me how to love myself.  He led me to forgiveness of myself and my grandfather.  I had a family who stood behind me every step of the way and who even propped me up when I couldn’t stand on my own.  I had a preacher/friend who led me to forgiveness of my grandmother and who committed to a weekly Bible study with Tim and me for a year and was instrumental in my decision to follow Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  I have a husband who models unconditional and sacrificial love to me every second of every day.

I call out these people not to give them the credit.  Rather, I want to point out just some of the people God used in my life to bring about healing.  I know it is God because only God can do a work like that.  I don’t know if my healing process will ever be complete.  How could it be?  I am human.  But I am amazed when I look back at how my life has changed.

I am not who I was and it is only by God’s amazing grace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1ZgtCRO-KY

I Love You More!

Feb. 8, 2014

At a Christian concert last night during set/instrument changes when the auditorium was all black with no lights, I heard from somewhere behind me,

“I love you!”

Someone on stage bellowed back, “I love you more!”

In that instant, I thought, “That’s us, when we are telling God we love him.”

I know that flashed through my mind because of a conversation I had this past week with someone near and dear to me.  She told me as she was driving to visit her dad in the hospital she was thinking that she loves him so much!  And then fear came over her as she thought, “I don’t think I love God more than my dad.”  I think it was a fear of doubt in her faith that her priorities were out of whack.  After all, we are taught all our Christian lives that we are to love nothing more than God.

But then the Holy Spirit spoke to her and gave her the message that it’s okay; God knows that she loves Him and that she will never be able to love Him as much as He loves her.

In reflecting on her story over the last couple of days, I realize that it strikes a chord with me because I have often marveled at how willingly Abraham brought his son to sacrifice on the altar.  I know deep down that I simply don’t have that level of faith in me.  I couldn’t bring my child to that point.  In its strictest sense, it is a point that shows that my faith is weaker than Abraham’s and if I dwelled on that for too long, I always ended up with thinking that God must be saddened by this flaw in me.  Until now, though, I never saw God’s grace in this.

After hearing her story, I said, “It must have been such a peaceful feeling that came over you.”  After all, isn’t the result of grace peace?

Here is a song from the concert.  I love the chorus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qst5GAxBwf8