Beautiful Migraine Day

January 15, 2014

Yesterday, I had a bad migraine.  I woke up with it but often with a hot shower and just getting up and moving it gets better.  Not so this time.  I'm teaching a mini-mester class this week so I went to class and started lecturing.  After one chapter, I stopped to take my prescription medication because it was getting much worse and the nausea was starting.  After teaching the next chapter, I knew I had to get home while I could still drive.  The medicine, which never makes me loopy, did this time.  Plus, I was just feeling so bad.  So I quit class at 10:30 and drove home with the help of Lettia talking to me on the phone.

I got home and went straight to bed.  I slept in between bouts of vomiting.  By 3:00, my body could no longer lie in bed so I got up and stationed myself in my recliner for the rest of the day.  By nightfall, I was feeling better. Kelsey brought me a large coke Icee and sometimes that does just as much or more for my migraines as prescription narcotic medication.  Just a helpful tip for my fellow migraine sufferers!

Anyway, I tell you all of this not in an effort to get any sympathy but rather to tell you of how my day ended.  I was piddling around on my iPad and ended up on Pinterest.  I never look at the video category but last night I did. The name Jamie Grace popped out at me for a couple of reasons.  One, I really like her style of music and used one of her songs in my last blog post.  Two, we (my sisters and I) had just talked about her on our trip last weekend.

So I watched the video. It is about today being a beautiful day.  I thought, "It really is!  Even with a retching migraine, it is a beautiful day!"  Don't get me wrong, I had thought last night that I was glad the day was over.  Even in that, though, I was blessed to know that my migraines rarely go for more than one day.  I am thankful for that.  I am thankful for Icees and medications that help reduce the pain.  I am thankful for a son who understands when I come home early and he says, "You’re home early," and I reply with, "I'm going to bed."  I am thankful for a class who asked to pray for me before I left.  I am thankful for a friend who took half an hour out of her work day to talk about anything at all to help me stay focused and awake on the road home.

More than anything, I am thankful for a God who loves me no matter what.  I am thankful for a God who owns me twice over: He created me and He bought me.  He loves me so much that He sent a little reminder through a video so that I could be thankful for His blessings ... even in the midst of a migraine day.

I hope you find as much joy as I did in the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPy0ctqMwE0

Invisible Threads

Dec. 1, 2013

Connection.  That word keeps coming up for me over the past few weeks.  It’s a simple word but, boy, does it pack a punch!  It is, quite simply, the cure for so many ills.  With another Thanksgiving literally under my belt, I thought about the word from a family perspective.  The holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) are family times.  Yes, they are about gratitude and celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, but they are also about being with family.  For many, it is the only time of the year when they see these people.  It is a time of reconnecting.  For the most part, when a holiday is not good for someone, it is because they did not connect in some way, shape, or form with their people.  God designed us to be connected.  After God created everything in this world, He sat back and surveyed it and found that it was all good, except for one thing.  It was not good that Adam was alone.  So, He made woman.  That stupid line in the movie, “Jerry McGuire,” got it all wrong.  Adam was complete in and of himself.  Rather, Eve complemented Adam.  Men and women are divinely designed so differently yet, they enhance each other.  People need other people not because they are incomplete without them.  People need other people because you can’t be your best without them.  Connection enriches people.

Connection is actually part of our biochemical design.  Oxytocin, a neurotransmitter (chemical messenger), is a bonding agent.  It’s nickname is the “cuddle hormone.”  It is released when mothers nurse their babies and they feel that wonderful warmth and bond with their child.  It is released right after orgasm and promotes bonding between lovers.  It also explains one reason why porn is so destructive because then you are bonding with images.  Oxytocin is also released in times of stress.  Your body is literally urging you to connect with someone in order to manage stress.  Connection makes life easier.

Connection is also the cure to shame (my favorite topic of study lately).  When you feel those awful feelings of shame come on, those feelings that say, “No one can know about this” or “I’m a loser (or a horribly person, or whatever) because of this, it is imperative that you run, not walk, to your safest person and tell them about it.  Shame cannot survive out in the open.  Shame only lives and thrives in the deepest, darkest recesses of your heart.  Shining light on it by sharing it with someone, especially God, robs shame of its power.  Connection trumps shame.

Connection is also a vital component of faith.  In the past, when I went through difficulties, I would always feel very far from God.  It felt like God was nowhere near me.  When I was going through the abuse and in the years afterward when I was dealing with the aftermath of it, that distance was so great that I deemed God non-existent.  So, I painted Bible verses in my bathroom based on the theme “Emmanuel: God With Us” to remind me of that fact day in and day out.  Then Kelsey got sick.  Chronic Lyme disease creates a hell that is hard to see God in.  I was losing the connection with God.  I started writing this blog so that I could see Him more readily.  I had to force myself to notice His works in my life because I had experienced the desolation of the desert without Him.  That is not a trip you want to take twice.  I reached out and held on.  Sometimes that rope between me and God felt like those giant mooring ropes you see on cruise ships; other times it felt like a thread.  But a thread is still a strand of that mooring rope.  God is still on the other end.  Connection is my lifeline to God.

Perhaps Friedrich Nietzsche said it simplest, “Invisible threads are the strongest ties.”

I love this song because it sounds like the joy I feel when I am connected to God.

Jamie Grace feat. Toby Mac – “Hold Me”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISgr8SgCYbY

Discovery and Recovery

Nov. 21, 2013

April, 2010 was the start of a journey for our family.  Kelsey got Lyme disease but we didn’t know it.  She had a bout of what we thought was just a virus and she fainted.  We didn’t think anything of it really.  The next month she passed out but it was more like a seizure, not like her fainting the month before.  Something was definitely not right with this one.

So we got on the long road of doctor appointments, unanswered questions, multiple diagnoses, complete frustration, helplessness, and disillusionment with the medical system.  At one point, Kelsey was diagnosed with neuropathy, POTS, basilar migraines, migraines with aura, chronic daily headaches, chronic pain syndrome, possible MS, and “all in her head.”  In Jan. 2012, the severe pain began and she massively deconditioned basically overnight.  On good days, she rated her pain in her arms and legs at 6/10 and there were a whole lot of days at 7-8/10 and even 10+ days at the hospital.  This went on non-stop, literally, until the next December (2012).

What helped Kelsey came from an unexpected place.  Out of 15 or so doctors, a couple of them being world-renowned doctors in their specialties, not a single doctor would take the lead in her case.  Only one doctor would prescribe a narcotic pain medication (and that wasn’t the Chronic Pain doctor) and he only gave her a tiny bit.  One doctor continually called her “bizarre and complex.”  Only one doctor stepped a foot or so out of her specialty and tried to help Kelsey and that simple act made her a hero to us.  But, even that was a short lived advocacy.  Overall, the doctors only want to diagnose within their specialty which meant that they never really looked at over all causes of Kelsey’s symptoms.  They wanted us to believe that she contracted all of those diagnoses separately at the same time.  How can people who are so smart be so ridiculous?  Tim kept saying through the whole thing that there has to be one cause.  It is the difference, I believe, in the mindset of a trouble-shooter vs. a “diagnoser.”

Then my brother-in-law, Mark (aka New Mark; aka Assimilated Mark), said, “Look into Lyme disease.”  I knew we had already tested twice for Lyme with the results being negative.  Plus, honestly, by that time I was sick of being told to chase what seemed to be wild geese.  So, I did nothing.  A couple of weeks passed and Angela asked again if I looked into and I had to say no and she encouraged me to do so.  A week later, still with me doing nothing, a friend at work, Darla, asked me about Kelsey and she made a connection to her friend who had Lyme disease.  I told her Kelsey had been tested and was negative and she said that didn’t matter and said to go to a Chinese medicine lady in Greenville.  So, Tim took Kelsey.  The lady found Lyme and made recommendation for Dr. Wilson.  Tim, to this day, is still skeptical about this lady but the end result is still the same.  During this time, I also met with someone who has Lyme and she also suggested Dr. Wilson for Kelsey.  Do you see the paths lining up?

We went to Dr. Wilson and he confirmed Lyme through specialized testing and we started treatment.  It took three months before we saw any significant improvement.  Just at that time is when Tim and Kelsey went to the Mayo Clinic, who disagrees with chronic Lyme disease in general.  Their conclusion after a week of testing and consults was, “We are at the end of discovery and need to move on to recovery.”  In other words, “We don’t know what the hell the she has so let’s just learn to deal with it.”  Um, no.  We decided to stay on the path with Dr. Wilson.

Ten months after the start of treatment, it finally ended.  And now, three months after that, Kelsey is so good it is practically unbelievable.  She has moved from “bizarre and complex” to “miraculous” according to Dr. Linder.  I couldn’t agree more.  Yesterday, she ran 3.2 miles, she has decided to start eating healthier, and is even writing a blog (www.ablessedrunner.blogspot.com).  She homeschools and works 25-30 hours a week being a nanny for two boys (2 years old, and 2 months old).

Certainly I have seen God working in the last 3 ½ years.  What I see in this story is God leading the way to diagnosis.  I sure wish He would have done it a lot sooner.  But, like the old saying goes, “I have my plan, but God has His.”  I got a glimpse of that perfect timing last week when I read Kelsey’s first blog.  She wrote, “I know all too well what it is like to not have the ability to run but to be honest I wouldn’t take back what happened for anything.”  I asked her why and she explained that she loves her life now and if it hadn’t been for the illness, her life would be incredibly different.  God’s timing, not mine.  God’s plan, not mine.  Which brings me back to my mantra/prayer for the last 3 ½ years: “Into your hands, O Lord.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmUGekcTuLM

Storm Shelter

October 23, 2013

Having never had a pet growing up, except rabbits for a short time and two hamsters named Timothy I and Timothy II, I was never that into the love of pets.  I never thought of them as parts of a family.  Even when I had a dog 20 years ago, she didn’t have that special place in my heart.  But, this dog, my Sophie, is different.  She is special not just because of her very sweet personality but also because of what she has done for our family.  She brought laughter, joy, and diversion at a time when we really needed it.

Since Friday morning at 4am, she has been really sick with vomiting and the runs.  She is in a lot of pain and refuses to be picked up.  I think the pressure on her stomach or chest is too much for her.  She is so pitiful and she refuses to eat or drink water.  If only dogs could talk, it would be so much easier.  But, in lieu of that, we have to glean from her behavior how she is feeling.  We have found that when she is feeling bad, she is cuddly which is not a usual characteristic for her.  She also just stays very close to me or Kelsey.  When she is not feeling well, she is very mopey or droopy and she will sit right next to you, even lean on you.  It’s like she is saying, “I’m so sick and I need you to make me feel better” or “I’m so sick and being with you and you petting me makes me feel better.”  It really is pitiful.

I know it is a bit of a cheesy metaphor, especially if you are not a person who loves their dog.  It strikes me how she turns to her master for comfort.  She seeks to be by my side, to touch me, to feel my touch and love.  The obvious metaphor is seeking God in times of distress.  Do I look to Him when I am stressed or sick?  Do I seek Him when I need strength or comfort?  Do I run to him when I need shelter in the storm?  Unfortunately, far too often God is not my first “go-to.”  Shoot, too often He is the last one I seek.  Of course, I can still rationalize this and say that God still makes the list even if He is last but, really, that is ridiculous.  He is my “strong tower” and I am among his righteous.  If I am in the middle of a storm, I need to get to the safest place possible.  Don’t take cover in the backyard shed; run to the storm shelter.  In that shelter is peace, love, strength, comfort, and support.

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.”
~ ~ Prov. 18:10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLYnN3rRC1Q

Shame is to Blame

October 14, 2013

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping lately.  There are times when I have trouble falling asleep but once I do, I usually sleep well.  I don’t usually even dream much.  But the last five or six nights have not been great.  The first night I attributed it to too much caffeine at night.  That has happened a few times before and my sleep was fitful and it often felt like I had not even been to sleep even though I had.  So, I cut out the nighttime caffeine.  But it didn’t help.  Last night, it took over an hour to just fall asleep and then it was again another fitful, dream-filled night.

This morning, as I sat reading a book because my appointment no-showed, I was reading a chapter about anxiety and I realized that all of my dreams this past week are anxiety-ridden.  That’s unusual for me too but it certainly matches with the feeling that I can’t turn my brain off at night.  As I sit and analyze myself trying to figure out what is going on, I also realize that a lot of my thoughts over the last few days are centered on the sexual abuse and all the emotions I had while Kelsey was sick.  More specifically, I am remembering all of my breakdown moments.

It seems so morbid sometimes the things I get focused on.  Sometimes, I am able to come to conclusion on why I am focused on it which, of course, then resolves it.  So, I am wondering why it is happening this time.  I think it is fair to say that it started with participating in a Celebrate Recovery Step Study group.  In working through the inventory, I was drawn to think about how the abuse truly affected me and when I think about the pain I went through and held in, sadness envelopes me.  Perhaps then it is a natural extension to go from remembering that pain to remembering the pain of my precious daughter’s illness.

So many people told me how strong I am to go through what we have been through.  I often heard comments like, “I don’t know how you came through it so well” and “I just don’t know how you do it.”  To this day, my first thought in response is always, “You don’t know my breakdown moments.  You didn’t see me then.”  There was so much you didn’t see.  You didn’t see me cry all night in my sister’s arms.  You didn’t see me on the phone to my other sister crying and yelling obscenities mostly aimed at God.  You didn’t see me all those nights in bed crying myself to sleep with Tim hanging on to me.  You didn’t see me the night I left Kelsey in the hospital, crying so hard that my sister talked me home on the phone.  You didn’t see me in the backyard at midnight beating a dead tree with a bat.

I don’t like talking about those times.  So much so that my stomach is in knots just writing about it…and knowing that you are reading it.  It feels like a weakness, a deficiency.  It feels bad.  The problem is that what I know contradicts what I feel.  I know those breakdown moments were my relief valves.  Venting allowed me to pick my head up off the pillow the next day and carry on.  I also know that venting to God, even the ugly words I yelled, at least kept me in a relationship with Him.  I didn’t shut Him out.

When I first started writing this, I was seeing the lesson as “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:9-10) as well as the purpose and benefit of sharing pain, but I now see that that is not the right lesson at all.  What I see now is the shame that I was running from…the shame of having breakdown moments.  I even told my class just this morning that “Shame only lives in darkness and secrets.”  Brene Brown, my new favorite current author, says when you feel shame, you have to run to your best, safest person and tell them all about it.  Otherwise, the shame will take root.

Now that I have shared my breakdown moments, the shame is weakened.  I didn’t even have to publish it for it to do its good work.  In the two days since I first wrote this, I am sleeping better.  Confession is so good for the soul and so deadly to shame!

Moving Out of the Colony

October 9, 2013

I heard a great sermon this past Sunday.  It was about how Jesus reached out to the leper and healed him and how we should be reaching out to everyone around us, especially the outcasts.  After all, we are all lepers in some way, shape, or form.  For me, a great way to gauge the effectiveness of a sermon is to see if it comes up for me again during the week or even later.

Sure enough, it came up for me this morning.  In biblical times, the leper had to shout warning to anyone approaching, “Unclean!  Unclean!”  If you touched a leper, you too were considered unclean and had to remain separate from the masses.  What occurred to me, though, is that so many people are still shouting “Unclean!” to those around them.  You won’t usually hear it verbally but you will see it in their mannerisms, their choices, their demeanors, and their actions.  It is that person whose shame keeps them separated and in their own leper colony.  It is that person whose self-worth is so low that they tell the world “I am unworthy to be around you.”  It is that person who thinks so poorly of himself that his anger acts as both his shield and dagger.

My thinking then carried on to wondering if the leper that Jesus healed had to work to stop warning people by shouting, “Unclean!” when someone approached him.  It seems to me that would be a habit that you would have to work to break.  I would think it was an automatic reaction when people started to walk up to him.  Even though Jesus healed him of his leprosy, I am willing to bet he still struggled with this.

Likewise, when there was healing with regards to my abuse, like when God helped me forgive my grandmother, I still had to work against some specific triggers.  Even when I received healing in the form of understanding my identity in Christ, I still had to work to receive a compliment instead of my automatic response of discounting it.

It has indeed been a blessed week.  God has shown me through an excellent sermon and some revelation that even though healing occurs, you still have to choose and work to live outside of the leper colony.

Are You Trippin'?

October 5, 2013

A couple of weeks ago we went on our 20^th annual Sister Trip.  This first started as Sister Day when I was pregnant with Aron.  Angela, Allyson, and I spent the day together seeing a movie, eating out, and just being together.  This grew into many years of skiing and Kelly became our fourth sister.  Through the years there have been others who joined us too.  We have done other things too like going to Nashville, a spa, a couple of cruises, and this year we went to the Women of Faith conference in Dallas.

I remember sitting in the American Airlines Center arena thinking, “The old ladies are too old for skiing and now we are going spiritual.”  I wasn’t thinking that in a negative way, I was just acknowledging that this is where we are at now.  Then I realized that our trips have always been spiritual.

I have so many fantastic and funny memories from our trips.  So many times, it was my favorite trip of the year because it was just fun to get away with my sisters and laugh!  Seeing Angela face plant as she tried to get on a ski lift, or seeing Carol get stuck straddling a rock while on her skis, or all the wrong turns we have taken like ending up on tiny dirt roads going 65 mph or me missing a major turn and going to the wrong state, twice!  The four of us singing on the ski lift and Kelly and I skiing fast are heartwarming for me.  We’ve had other adventures like getting snowed in at Amarillo or me being so sick with a migraine I had to go to the ER.  Or, the time that Allyson’s luggage was blown off the roof of the suburban by a passing 18-wheeler and it rolled down the highway and into a ditch like a Samsonite commercial.

Brene Brown, in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,” defines spirituality as “recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.  Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”  This is the power and the gift of Sister Trip to me.

So, really, we aren’t the old ladies who have gone spiritual just because we chose to go to a Christian Women’s event.  We’ve been spiritual all along because we are all bound by “a power greater than all of us” and we are “grounded in love and compassion” which always “brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”  My spirit is enriched, lifted, joined with my sisters no matter what we are doing.  I am so incredibly blessed.

For your listening enjoyment, here is a video of 12,000 women at the conference singing “Amazing Grace” acapella.