Storm Shelter

October 23, 2013

Having never had a pet growing up, except rabbits for a short time and two hamsters named Timothy I and Timothy II, I was never that into the love of pets.  I never thought of them as parts of a family.  Even when I had a dog 20 years ago, she didn’t have that special place in my heart.  But, this dog, my Sophie, is different.  She is special not just because of her very sweet personality but also because of what she has done for our family.  She brought laughter, joy, and diversion at a time when we really needed it.

Since Friday morning at 4am, she has been really sick with vomiting and the runs.  She is in a lot of pain and refuses to be picked up.  I think the pressure on her stomach or chest is too much for her.  She is so pitiful and she refuses to eat or drink water.  If only dogs could talk, it would be so much easier.  But, in lieu of that, we have to glean from her behavior how she is feeling.  We have found that when she is feeling bad, she is cuddly which is not a usual characteristic for her.  She also just stays very close to me or Kelsey.  When she is not feeling well, she is very mopey or droopy and she will sit right next to you, even lean on you.  It’s like she is saying, “I’m so sick and I need you to make me feel better” or “I’m so sick and being with you and you petting me makes me feel better.”  It really is pitiful.

I know it is a bit of a cheesy metaphor, especially if you are not a person who loves their dog.  It strikes me how she turns to her master for comfort.  She seeks to be by my side, to touch me, to feel my touch and love.  The obvious metaphor is seeking God in times of distress.  Do I look to Him when I am stressed or sick?  Do I seek Him when I need strength or comfort?  Do I run to him when I need shelter in the storm?  Unfortunately, far too often God is not my first “go-to.”  Shoot, too often He is the last one I seek.  Of course, I can still rationalize this and say that God still makes the list even if He is last but, really, that is ridiculous.  He is my “strong tower” and I am among his righteous.  If I am in the middle of a storm, I need to get to the safest place possible.  Don’t take cover in the backyard shed; run to the storm shelter.  In that shelter is peace, love, strength, comfort, and support.

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.”
~ ~ Prov. 18:10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLYnN3rRC1Q

Shame is to Blame

October 14, 2013

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping lately.  There are times when I have trouble falling asleep but once I do, I usually sleep well.  I don’t usually even dream much.  But the last five or six nights have not been great.  The first night I attributed it to too much caffeine at night.  That has happened a few times before and my sleep was fitful and it often felt like I had not even been to sleep even though I had.  So, I cut out the nighttime caffeine.  But it didn’t help.  Last night, it took over an hour to just fall asleep and then it was again another fitful, dream-filled night.

This morning, as I sat reading a book because my appointment no-showed, I was reading a chapter about anxiety and I realized that all of my dreams this past week are anxiety-ridden.  That’s unusual for me too but it certainly matches with the feeling that I can’t turn my brain off at night.  As I sit and analyze myself trying to figure out what is going on, I also realize that a lot of my thoughts over the last few days are centered on the sexual abuse and all the emotions I had while Kelsey was sick.  More specifically, I am remembering all of my breakdown moments.

It seems so morbid sometimes the things I get focused on.  Sometimes, I am able to come to conclusion on why I am focused on it which, of course, then resolves it.  So, I am wondering why it is happening this time.  I think it is fair to say that it started with participating in a Celebrate Recovery Step Study group.  In working through the inventory, I was drawn to think about how the abuse truly affected me and when I think about the pain I went through and held in, sadness envelopes me.  Perhaps then it is a natural extension to go from remembering that pain to remembering the pain of my precious daughter’s illness.

So many people told me how strong I am to go through what we have been through.  I often heard comments like, “I don’t know how you came through it so well” and “I just don’t know how you do it.”  To this day, my first thought in response is always, “You don’t know my breakdown moments.  You didn’t see me then.”  There was so much you didn’t see.  You didn’t see me cry all night in my sister’s arms.  You didn’t see me on the phone to my other sister crying and yelling obscenities mostly aimed at God.  You didn’t see me all those nights in bed crying myself to sleep with Tim hanging on to me.  You didn’t see me the night I left Kelsey in the hospital, crying so hard that my sister talked me home on the phone.  You didn’t see me in the backyard at midnight beating a dead tree with a bat.

I don’t like talking about those times.  So much so that my stomach is in knots just writing about it…and knowing that you are reading it.  It feels like a weakness, a deficiency.  It feels bad.  The problem is that what I know contradicts what I feel.  I know those breakdown moments were my relief valves.  Venting allowed me to pick my head up off the pillow the next day and carry on.  I also know that venting to God, even the ugly words I yelled, at least kept me in a relationship with Him.  I didn’t shut Him out.

When I first started writing this, I was seeing the lesson as “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:9-10) as well as the purpose and benefit of sharing pain, but I now see that that is not the right lesson at all.  What I see now is the shame that I was running from…the shame of having breakdown moments.  I even told my class just this morning that “Shame only lives in darkness and secrets.”  Brene Brown, my new favorite current author, says when you feel shame, you have to run to your best, safest person and tell them all about it.  Otherwise, the shame will take root.

Now that I have shared my breakdown moments, the shame is weakened.  I didn’t even have to publish it for it to do its good work.  In the two days since I first wrote this, I am sleeping better.  Confession is so good for the soul and so deadly to shame!

Moving Out of the Colony

October 9, 2013

I heard a great sermon this past Sunday.  It was about how Jesus reached out to the leper and healed him and how we should be reaching out to everyone around us, especially the outcasts.  After all, we are all lepers in some way, shape, or form.  For me, a great way to gauge the effectiveness of a sermon is to see if it comes up for me again during the week or even later.

Sure enough, it came up for me this morning.  In biblical times, the leper had to shout warning to anyone approaching, “Unclean!  Unclean!”  If you touched a leper, you too were considered unclean and had to remain separate from the masses.  What occurred to me, though, is that so many people are still shouting “Unclean!” to those around them.  You won’t usually hear it verbally but you will see it in their mannerisms, their choices, their demeanors, and their actions.  It is that person whose shame keeps them separated and in their own leper colony.  It is that person whose self-worth is so low that they tell the world “I am unworthy to be around you.”  It is that person who thinks so poorly of himself that his anger acts as both his shield and dagger.

My thinking then carried on to wondering if the leper that Jesus healed had to work to stop warning people by shouting, “Unclean!” when someone approached him.  It seems to me that would be a habit that you would have to work to break.  I would think it was an automatic reaction when people started to walk up to him.  Even though Jesus healed him of his leprosy, I am willing to bet he still struggled with this.

Likewise, when there was healing with regards to my abuse, like when God helped me forgive my grandmother, I still had to work against some specific triggers.  Even when I received healing in the form of understanding my identity in Christ, I still had to work to receive a compliment instead of my automatic response of discounting it.

It has indeed been a blessed week.  God has shown me through an excellent sermon and some revelation that even though healing occurs, you still have to choose and work to live outside of the leper colony.

Are You Trippin'?

October 5, 2013

A couple of weeks ago we went on our 20^th annual Sister Trip.  This first started as Sister Day when I was pregnant with Aron.  Angela, Allyson, and I spent the day together seeing a movie, eating out, and just being together.  This grew into many years of skiing and Kelly became our fourth sister.  Through the years there have been others who joined us too.  We have done other things too like going to Nashville, a spa, a couple of cruises, and this year we went to the Women of Faith conference in Dallas.

I remember sitting in the American Airlines Center arena thinking, “The old ladies are too old for skiing and now we are going spiritual.”  I wasn’t thinking that in a negative way, I was just acknowledging that this is where we are at now.  Then I realized that our trips have always been spiritual.

I have so many fantastic and funny memories from our trips.  So many times, it was my favorite trip of the year because it was just fun to get away with my sisters and laugh!  Seeing Angela face plant as she tried to get on a ski lift, or seeing Carol get stuck straddling a rock while on her skis, or all the wrong turns we have taken like ending up on tiny dirt roads going 65 mph or me missing a major turn and going to the wrong state, twice!  The four of us singing on the ski lift and Kelly and I skiing fast are heartwarming for me.  We’ve had other adventures like getting snowed in at Amarillo or me being so sick with a migraine I had to go to the ER.  Or, the time that Allyson’s luggage was blown off the roof of the suburban by a passing 18-wheeler and it rolled down the highway and into a ditch like a Samsonite commercial.

Brene Brown, in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,” defines spirituality as “recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.  Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”  This is the power and the gift of Sister Trip to me.

So, really, we aren’t the old ladies who have gone spiritual just because we chose to go to a Christian Women’s event.  We’ve been spiritual all along because we are all bound by “a power greater than all of us” and we are “grounded in love and compassion” which always “brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”  My spirit is enriched, lifted, joined with my sisters no matter what we are doing.  I am so incredibly blessed.

For your listening enjoyment, here is a video of 12,000 women at the conference singing “Amazing Grace” acapella.

Not a Coincidence

September 12, 2013

“The Message” satellite radio station often has sound bites that are catchy phrases about the Christian faith.  As I was driving to work this morning, I heard one that stuck with me because it was associated with something I had talked about last night.  It said, “The Christian faith isn’t about being good enough.  It’s about trusting the One who makes you good enough.”

In my experience, the vast majority of problems come from two sources: lack of forgiveness of self or others and not fully grasping the concept of identity in Christ.  The latter affects self-worth.  Robert McGee in his book, “The Search for Significance,” explains that people often fall into the performance trap.  That trap is best illustrated as a mathematical equation:

My performance + other’s opinions = self-worth

When a person lives according to this formula, they are not living according to what God thinks of them.  Helping people understand that God unconditionally loves them and wholly accepts them just as they are is a large part of my job.  When it happens, when they really get it, growth is exponential.  It is so cool to see the transformation!

When I got to the office, I was a few minutes early for a meeting.  Usually when I have a few extra minutes, I will waste it doing something on the internet or pull out a book and read a few pages.  Today, I uncharacteristically just pulled out my Bible and decided to read something from it.  My first thought was to go to Eph. 3:20-21 because it is one of my current favorite passages.  But I thought, “I have a few minutes so I will read the whole chapter and put it in context.”  When I got to verses 14-19, it opened up to me.

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.”

Wow!  There is so much packed into this prayer!  I can’t possibly unpack it all here but two things stand out today.  First, Paul’s prayer is for the Ephesians to really GET identity in Christ.  Secondly, it talks about how we are “strengthened with power through His Spirit.”

These two points are impactful for me today not because they are new to me.  Rather, they stand out because of the timing which some would call coincidence but I call “God-incidence.”  I don’t believe in coincidences.  The first point of identity in Christ is timely because of the sound bite I heard on the radio which stuck with me because I had just had a conversation with Tim about it the night before.  The second point about the Holy Spirit ties directly to what our Bible study group talked about last night.

In other words, last night I studied with my Bible study group about the role of the Holy Spirit and how it energizes us and gives us strength.  Then late last night, Tim and I had a conversation about self-worth and identity in Christ.  Then, I heard the “good enough” sound bite on the radio this morning.  Then, I unusually pulled out my Bible to pass a few minutes and happened to read a passage that reinforces all of that.  Yeah, it’s just a coincidence.

Strong Enough

September 5, 2013

It’s not too often that I feel slow on the uptake but tonight is definitely one of those times.  Let me back up a little first.

This morning I was blessed to sleep in just a little and then swim.  I always set the stereo system to Christian music on Pandora and put it on the patio speakers so I have that as background music while I swim.  Just as I turned it on a song started and the opening lyric caught my attention.

“You must
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through”

My first thought was, “I’ve said that before.”  During Kelsey’s illness I said it more than once to God and honestly, it was usually with a sarcastic tone.  Yes, my sarcasm even shows up in my conversations with God.  (Yes, I hear your gasps!  Oh, that’s sarcastic too.)  I’ve even told it to others as some form of encouragement.  I feel ashamed of that now because it is so lame!  The sarcasm would come out in my conversations with God about it because if this is what I get for being strong, then I want to be incredibly weak.  I don’t want to be strong

My second thought was, “No!  God doesn’t think we are strong.  He knows He is strong.”  Then I got busy thinking about that and skimming the pool of the suicidal wasps.  I didn’t hear the rest of the song.  But I thought about it during my swim time and off and on during the rest of my day.  So, I sat down tonight to figure out who sang it and listen to the rest of the song.  It is “Strong Enough” by Matthew West.  Of course, the rest of the song was the same conclusion I drew.  Hence, feeling like I’m slow on the uptake today.  It’s as if I haven’t heard Phil. 4:13 a bazillion times already.  That’s ok though because I’d rather have the Aha! moment.  It’s more fun and the lesson tends to stick with me better this way.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
~ Phil. 4:13

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knuHDPbE5es

In His Steps

Aug. 13, 2013

Two weeks ago, my husband (Tim) and son went on Trek with the church high school and college group.  I’m always excited for them on these trips because I know they both love hiking the mountains in Colorado and it is always a great faith builder for them.  My prayer for them this year was that the mountain would be so challenging that they would have to know that they could only do it with God’s help.  Of course, I prayed for their safety too.

When they returned to base camp, I got a call from Tim and he told me he had come back with a story that he came up with that he wanted to tell me and the kids.  If you know Tim, that is an unusual comment from him.

To top that off, he not only told us the story, he wrote it down.  Here is it is. 

I was really scared to backpack down the mountain due to my back. I had injured my back a few years ago and had physical therapy for bulging discs in my lower back. For the most part, I am good and just need to keep my core body strong to keep the spine stabilized. On this trip, though, I had a very difficult time hiking down from summit with only a day pack. It seemed going downhill was jarring my back quite a bit on this trip causing me quite a bit of pain.

When we started hiking down from high camp with full packs I somehow started out right behind the guide in the very front. As I tried to keep up with the guide I stumbled a few times but then I realized I could try walking in his steps which should be solid since he was carrying a heavier load and had much more experience than me.

I started stepping in his exact steps and was doing great. It was easier on my back.  I was having no issues. I was moving fast and staying with the guide. We were moving much faster than the rest of the group and had to wait a couple of times for the group. It seemed so easy. I did stumble a few times but with the guide so close it was easy to get back into step with him. He also gave me instruction to just look for solid ground and to trust my steps and just move. With this instruction, keeping him close and walking in his footsteps, I continued to feel strong and confident.

As we continued down the mountain I stayed strong and confident. As others followed behind I

felt confident in my steps and was comfortable in leading as long as I was following in the guide's footsteps.

All of a sudden things changed. Due to some fallen trees we had to get off the trail. When I got back on the trail I was not behind the guide any longer. I had lost sight of him. I really wanted to be back in the lead walking behind the guide. That is where I felt strong and confident. As we continued, I was doing OK by remembering his instruction, "Look for solid ground to step on and just move; trust your step."  As I hiked, though, I seemed to start stumbling more. I would remember his instruction and do better for a little bit but I continued to get more timid and stumble more as I went down the mountain with no sight of the guide. The guide seemed so far away and I did not pursue working my way back to him.  I seemed to be getting content just where I was. It seemed easier to just keep the same pace even though I was struggling. I was going to have to work harder to get back close behind the guide and I was having difficulty mentally thinking I was capable of doing so.

I decided to watch the person in front of me in order to learn from their steps hoping to avoid loose rocks. Between the help of the person in front of me and the guides instructions, I did OK again for a little bit but then started to rely totally on the person in front of me since the guide seemed to be so distant and I had not kept him close. I ended up getting too close to the person in front of me and started making the same mistakes as the person I was following. I began to get timid again and stumbling much more.

I realized I needed to stop following so close to the person in front of me so I backed off. I still struggled   since I had not worked to get closer to my guide. I found myself falling behind and soon was alone on the trail. There were hikers out of sight in front of me and hikers behind me which I could not see or hear. I started feeling alone. My mind was telling me I could stop and rest and get a drink. It would be OK. I seemed to be getting much more tired than I was before and I seemed to concentrate on my tired muscles and difficulty breathing. I then decided I did not want to be alone.  I waited for the hikers and got a drink of water while waiting. They soon caught up and I started hiking again. I did much better hiking with others supporting me and fellowshipping with fellow hikers. We continued on down the mountain. I continued to struggle though.  We soon caught up with the rest of the group who was waiting on us.  We took a quick water break and I took the opportunity to get back close to our guide.

We soon continued down the mountain and now I found renewed sense of confidence and strength now that I was back close to the guide and following in his footsteps. As long as I kept the guide close and followed in his footsteps I knew I would be fine.