In His Steps

Aug. 13, 2013

Two weeks ago, my husband (Tim) and son went on Trek with the church high school and college group.  I’m always excited for them on these trips because I know they both love hiking the mountains in Colorado and it is always a great faith builder for them.  My prayer for them this year was that the mountain would be so challenging that they would have to know that they could only do it with God’s help.  Of course, I prayed for their safety too.

When they returned to base camp, I got a call from Tim and he told me he had come back with a story that he came up with that he wanted to tell me and the kids.  If you know Tim, that is an unusual comment from him.

To top that off, he not only told us the story, he wrote it down.  Here is it is. 

I was really scared to backpack down the mountain due to my back. I had injured my back a few years ago and had physical therapy for bulging discs in my lower back. For the most part, I am good and just need to keep my core body strong to keep the spine stabilized. On this trip, though, I had a very difficult time hiking down from summit with only a day pack. It seemed going downhill was jarring my back quite a bit on this trip causing me quite a bit of pain.

When we started hiking down from high camp with full packs I somehow started out right behind the guide in the very front. As I tried to keep up with the guide I stumbled a few times but then I realized I could try walking in his steps which should be solid since he was carrying a heavier load and had much more experience than me.

I started stepping in his exact steps and was doing great. It was easier on my back.  I was having no issues. I was moving fast and staying with the guide. We were moving much faster than the rest of the group and had to wait a couple of times for the group. It seemed so easy. I did stumble a few times but with the guide so close it was easy to get back into step with him. He also gave me instruction to just look for solid ground and to trust my steps and just move. With this instruction, keeping him close and walking in his footsteps, I continued to feel strong and confident.

As we continued down the mountain I stayed strong and confident. As others followed behind I

felt confident in my steps and was comfortable in leading as long as I was following in the guide's footsteps.

All of a sudden things changed. Due to some fallen trees we had to get off the trail. When I got back on the trail I was not behind the guide any longer. I had lost sight of him. I really wanted to be back in the lead walking behind the guide. That is where I felt strong and confident. As we continued, I was doing OK by remembering his instruction, "Look for solid ground to step on and just move; trust your step."  As I hiked, though, I seemed to start stumbling more. I would remember his instruction and do better for a little bit but I continued to get more timid and stumble more as I went down the mountain with no sight of the guide. The guide seemed so far away and I did not pursue working my way back to him.  I seemed to be getting content just where I was. It seemed easier to just keep the same pace even though I was struggling. I was going to have to work harder to get back close behind the guide and I was having difficulty mentally thinking I was capable of doing so.

I decided to watch the person in front of me in order to learn from their steps hoping to avoid loose rocks. Between the help of the person in front of me and the guides instructions, I did OK again for a little bit but then started to rely totally on the person in front of me since the guide seemed to be so distant and I had not kept him close. I ended up getting too close to the person in front of me and started making the same mistakes as the person I was following. I began to get timid again and stumbling much more.

I realized I needed to stop following so close to the person in front of me so I backed off. I still struggled   since I had not worked to get closer to my guide. I found myself falling behind and soon was alone on the trail. There were hikers out of sight in front of me and hikers behind me which I could not see or hear. I started feeling alone. My mind was telling me I could stop and rest and get a drink. It would be OK. I seemed to be getting much more tired than I was before and I seemed to concentrate on my tired muscles and difficulty breathing. I then decided I did not want to be alone.  I waited for the hikers and got a drink of water while waiting. They soon caught up and I started hiking again. I did much better hiking with others supporting me and fellowshipping with fellow hikers. We continued on down the mountain. I continued to struggle though.  We soon caught up with the rest of the group who was waiting on us.  We took a quick water break and I took the opportunity to get back close to our guide.

We soon continued down the mountain and now I found renewed sense of confidence and strength now that I was back close to the guide and following in his footsteps. As long as I kept the guide close and followed in his footsteps I knew I would be fine.

Corporate Work That I Like

July 30, 2013

Last week I saw God work corporately.  A while back a colleague and friend asked me to paint a bible verse on her office wall.  Of course, I said, "Of course!"  She wasn't sure what verse to do though.  So I waited.  She had a lot of other things on her mind and I'm sure it wasn't a top priority for her.  So I waited.

A month or two ago, Isaiah 41:10 came up for me and I thought of her wall.  It came up again over a week ago and I mentioned it to her.  When she heard that it had come up twice for me for her, she agreed that was the verse to do. 

It just so happened that last Thursday I had a very light counseling schedule and she was out of the office to tend for her son who was receiving migraine treatment in the hospital.  So it presented as the perfect day to do the job.  Sherie helped by emptying the desk and helping me move it.  I painted the verse and we put it all back together again.

I was going to surprise her with the job done when she returned to work on Monday but Sherie said I should send her a pic because she might appreciate it on this day in the hospital.  So I did.

Boy did it hit home!  The time at the hospital had been so frustrating due to horrible planning by the doctor and reading that particular verse was comforting to her.

I call this a corporate effort by God because I believe He gave the verse to me to use.  However, after that I just focused on the art of it.  I lost sight of the meaning.  I don't know if Sherie's suggestion came from knowing that the actual verse would be comforting or if she just thought Cecily would like to see the finished product.  I'm not sure it matters. What does matter is that Cecily ultimately was comforted by God's word delivered to her in a way that only God can orchestrate.  That, in my book, is pretty cool.

Swimming in the Clear Blue Water

June 12, 2013

When we built the pool, my main requirement was for it to be large enough that people didn’t have to get out of the way for someone to dive in.  I didn’t want to have to yell, “Watch out!  I’m fixing to dive in!”  So the pool is big: half diving pool and half wading pool.  But, I remember well the day the builder and all the workers came to start building the pool.  They staked out the vertices and then took a can of spray paint and drew out the curves creating the outline of the pool on the ground.  It looked small.  Forty-four feet (the second largest pool in the neighborhood; the only bigger pool is the builder’s) looked small.  So I had all the workers, my builder, and Tim and I stand within the boundaries to try to get a better feel for it.  I looked at the builder and said, “I don’t know, I think it’s too small.”  His head jerked around and he looked at me like I was crazy.  So, on faith, I took Tim’s and the builder’s assurance that it was big enough and that it would look bigger once construction starts.

They were right.  It’s a big pool.  And I’m constantly reminded of it when I am swimming in those glorious 34,000 gallons of clear blue water.  It takes 34,000 gallons of water to fill that hole.  I started to realize that I didn’t know just how big that hole was until I started digging.  And, if I would have filled it with anything other than water it would not be a swimming pool.

As I dig into myself because I am always under construction, I often realize the hole is much bigger than I thought.  And that is OK.  It’s just part of the process of growing.  As I think about holes and repentance, I know I have to fill the hole in me with God.  Today, I read a quote (by Mark Cahill in “One Thing You Can’t Do In Heaven”) that the Hebrew word for “repent” literally means to “burn down the house and salt the field.”  A salted field is useless.  It cannot produce anything.  In other words, when you truly repent, there is nothing to return to.  When the pool was built, the dirt was removed from the ground and hauled off in dump trucks.  Once the hole was dug, we didn’t refill it with the same dirt.  We didn’t fill it with concrete .  We filled it with water.  We filled it with what it was designed to be filled with.  Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a swimming pool.

I’ve tried filling my hole with other things.  All that did is to take me further away from my original design.  So I am working to change and am learning to fill my hole with the living water.  I am loving swimming in the clear blue water.

“Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.  Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.”

~ Rev. 3:19-20

In My Place

June 6, 2013

I’ve been out of the office for over a week and a half.  We had a holiday weekend plus I taught a mini-mester class at DBU.  When I came back to the office, most people commented on my tan.  It’s my normal beginning of the summer tan and most people who have known me for longer than a couple years know I tan easily. 

It feels so good to be back in the pool.  Last summer, we hardly used to the pool.  Kelsey was so sick she couldn’t kick hard enough to keep her head above water.  Kelsey swims like a fish and dives beautifully.  But not last summer.  So, it just didn’t feel right for me to swim while she layed inside on the couch in pain.  Call it a bit of survivor’s guilt, or whatever, but it just felt so unfair for me to be in the pool and for Kelsey not to be able to.  Yes, she could lay on a float in the pool but that is like suggesting to a gymnast to be satisfied and have fun with just doing somersaults on the floor mat.

This is a new year!  Kelsey is doing so much better and she is enjoying the pool again.  Me too.  I’ve been spending more time swimming laps.  One mile is about thirty minutes of laps in my pool.  I’m up to twenty five minutes.  I’ve never done well in this kind of exercise because I get bored mentally and then the time crawls by so slowly that I always end up quitting.  This time is different, though.  I’m spending this time simply praying and praising God.  Taking my cue from the Psalms, I praise God by naming His qualities.

I habit I started without much conscious thought is to pray first and praise second.  It feels so right in that order for a couple of reasons.  First, this way I land on the positive.  While I fully acknowledge that petition prayers are a positive thing, I also know that, for me, they are largely the reminders of what aren’t great right now.  But to name God’s qualities and characteristics…wow … what a boost!  It reminds me who is in control and how I know He is in control.  It reminds me that God can and does handle my prayers.  It reminds me that He loves me and sees me.  It reminds me that I am important to God.  Praising God in this way keeps God in His place and me in mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjmZ2v0niCI

 

Learning to be a Caged Bird

May 25, 2013

Last night, I sat and watched a recorded episode Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday with Maya Angelou (part 2).  I love listening to Maya speak because she speaks lyrically ( I love her word choices) and with such wisdom.  Within the last year, I finally read one of Maya’s books that has long been on my list of books to read, “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.”  It was not what I expected but interesting just the same. 

I read the book with great anticipation to understanding the title of the book.  I wanted to know why the caged bird sings.  But, me and poetry don’t get along.  Nine times out of ten (and I’m being generous) I don’t get the symbolism in poetry.  I remember in high school freshman English asking Ms. Clancy, “How do you know that poem isn’t really just about buildings in a cityscape?  Why does it have to have a deeper meaning?”  So, the caged bird reference was no different for me.

But last night, Oprah asked Maya, “Why does the caged bird sing?”  Yay!!  Maya answered, “Because it must.”  She went on to explain that the free bird sings of the things he does and can get but the caged bird sings his “fearful trill” for the freedom his heart longs for.  The free bird takes for granted his freedom and all the trappings that come with it but the caged bird sings his song so beautifully because it is his heart’s deepest longing.

As I continue to look back over the journey of Kelsey’s illness for the last three years, I recognize that in the times of the depths of my despair, I was standing on “the grave of dreams.”  But, unlike the caged bird, I didn’t open my “throat to sing.”  Instead, I resented losing some of the things that I so took for granted: health, freedom to do what you wanted and when, the gleam of life in my daughter’s eyes, and just plain ol’ normal life.  I think, I hope, that this is one of the areas that I have grown in my faith: to praise God all the time, especially when I have to rise above my circumstances to do it.

The caged bird sings because he must.  Because, the alternative is a pit of despair and loneliness.  Because, in his singing, he is free.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Renewing and Transforming

May 14, 2013

The truth is I’ve been a bit blocked in my writing lately.  Perhaps my work schedule is worrying me more than it should.  It is a bit hard to admit because I’ve never really been worried about it before.  I’ve always stood solidly on the ground that God is in control of my schedule and He will bring to me the people that I need to see and that need to be seen.  If I am to be truly honest, I have to confess that I am struggling with a touch of depression.  It is something that I have had periodically for most of my life.  That is probably adding a bit to my block also. 

In the past, if I had a lull in my counseling load, there usually ended up being a reason.  Sometimes, I needed a break to refresh.  Sometimes, it freed me to go to doctors’ appointments.  Sometimes, bad things happened that I needed time off from work.  The cause has always been fairly evident.

The last few weeks have been light and now this week is looking bleak.  It makes me wonder what is ahead.  But as this continues on, I have to also admit that Satan and negative thinking are starting to work on me.  Doubts about myself are creeping in just a little.  I step back from those thoughts and acknowledge that I am no different than I was a month ago.  But having those doubts is unsettling.

Is it contradictory to say that I know God is in control of my schedule after just admitting to having self-doubt?  My initial answer is no, it’s not.  If there is one thing I’ve learned over the last few years it is that God is always with me and that He is in control.  The “but” to that statement is that I have to move too.  I have to take steps.  So, as a responsible counselor, I have to look at what I am doing as well as how I am doing it and why.  It’s a process that easily opens myself up to self-doubt.

I am reminded of Romans 12:2 which says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is.”  I am reminded of it because it is written on the wall above my head and I saw it as I sat back thinking about this.  That whole thing about writing it on the doorposts as mentioned in Deuteronomy works!

I am also reminded of that verse because we just talked about it in Bible class Sunday morning.  I liked the analogy that being transformed is much like metamorphosis.  Much like a caterpillar morphs into a beautiful butterfly, so must my worldly self morph into a holy self.  This process is caused by the renewing (notice that it is an –ing word) of the mind.  You have to renew your mind in order to be transformed so that you can prove the will of God. 

So, the application for me is that I have to diligently fight the thoughts of self-doubt and the negative thoughts that are more prevalent when depression is near knowing that this process changes me and brings me closer to the One I want to emulate.  And, then, when I am near to Him, I will feel his leading and rest in the plan He has for me.

So Far To Come and So Far To Go

May 2, 2013

In our Bible study, we are studying about how God can bring us “so far.”  In other words, He can bring us further than we ever could of our own accord.  In the study, we were asked to place ourselves along a continuum rating our progress of growth from “Can’t see any progress” to “A little progress” to “Significant progress” to “So far.”  My first circle was at “significant progress” because I thought, “I still have so far to go.”  But, when I looked back over my life, I realized that I’d come “so far” and that it was only by the hand of God.

One area that I’ve come so far in is flexibility.  It used to drive me nuts to have my plans changed.  Once I made plans, they were set in stone.  We used to have friends that would never plan the weekend more than a couple of days in advance and that was so frustrating to me!  I wanted to know what I was doing, what I could plan on.  Being married to Tim, who used to work in tech support, really challenged me in this area.  Plans changed constantly because he would get a call to go work.  It wasn’t a change I willingly succumbed to.

For me, the most memorable line in the movie, “The American President,” starring Annette Bening, Michael Douglas, and Michael J. Fox, came from Fox’s character who was telling the President, “I tell my girlfriends that all plans are soft until I confirm 30 minutes before.”  It represents a way that I had to learn to live.  Looking back, I see that I was in training.  Even before I knew God, He was working in my life to bring me so far.  He brought Tim to me and one result of that is me having to learn flexibility.  Looking at it now, I can see that there is an art to being flexible.  Going with the flow, taking things in stride takes grace.

That very grace allows me to take a step back, not get so frustrated, and wait to see what God has planned for me.  For instance, when my schedule at work gets light, instead of worrying about it, I wait to see what happens because so often it opens at just the right point to allow for an unexpected event.  One great example was this morning.  Early this morning, at 5 am, I awake from a nightmare that was quite upsetting.  I managed to go back to sleep until my alarm went off at 7:00 but I was still reeling from the nightmare.  I remember thinking, “If I had an office job, I’d call in sick this morning.”  But I don’t and I had three appointments this morning and three after lunch.  It’s really not an easy thing to reschedule appointments.  So I went to work.  As it turned out, my second and third appointments no-showed me.  That used to be so much more frustrating to me.  But today, was one of those times when I knew it was working in my favor.  It gave me time to reorient my mind.

Then a colleague brought me flowers just to say she appreciated me.  And then I went to lunch with a friend.  All three things worked together to get me back on track.  I see God’s hand in every step of this: Tim, learning to be more flexible, learning to trust that God has plans for me, and encouragement from friends.  Who else could orchestrate such things?  By the grace of God, I have come so far.

“Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?”
~ ~ 2 Sam. 7:18

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
~ ~ Jer. 29:11-13