Gratitude in Spades - Europe Trip Blog 5/6/2017

May 6, 2017

For years I've dreamed of this trip in a way that I never really thought it possible. Then about a year or two ago we started thinking about it more seriously and 10 months ago we made a plan.  I say "we" but really it was all Angela, my oldest sister.  I would have no clue how to plan such a trip.  And, well, travel is a passion for her.  

In this moment, I am overcome with gratitude. Tears fill my eyes as I try to write what I'm feeling.  Seventeen days.  Seventeen days!  Rome, Florence, Munich, five days in Austria and Hitler's Eagles Nest, and then more days in Germany in towns that I can't pronounce, Rothenburg, and then Frankfurt and Kassel to see distant relatives and friends. 

Tim and I work hard for the money we have but I also am keenly aware that we are abundantly blessed in this area. On this trip, since we are traveling with Angela who gets all the travel perks, we are mixing it up with the Hoy Paloy in the Admiral's Club, in the limo airport transport, and sitting in the bulkhead seats. The last one especially gets me because one of my pet peeves is the person sitting in front of me reclining their seat into my claustrophobic space. I have so much leg room that I can barely reach the wall in front of me. I can stand comfortably in front of my seat!  It's the small things that seem the biggest sometimes. 

I'm grateful for jobs that afford us not just the ability to go but also the time away. I honestly expected a few complaints from clients about my 3 week absence but only one hinted at it. I am grateful to be able to turn off all my emails (work and CCT) and completely unplug from those stressors for a while. It's a time of refreshing that I sorely need. 

I'm grateful for the upturn in Kelsey's health, one that was verified by the doctor the day before we left. One of her co-infections is the lowest it's been in the seven years since this hellish medical journey began. Her immune system is working better now too since she got rid of those disgusting tonsils last January. She is feeling better and it feels ok to leave her. But leaving her is always hard. I've grown accustomed to her in my hip pocket (with he health issues there have been long periods of time when we couldn't leave her alone) and without her near I feel a bit unbalanced. Secondly, through the good times and hard, we have become really close.  So, leaving her for the next two and a half weeks is hard but it's a good thing and I know she is ok and in good hands with Aron and Noah.

I'm grateful for my rock solid son, Aron.  He is the calm in the storm, the level-headed thinker, the heart-of-gold man. He is as he always has been: my strong-willed sensitive boy. And, he makes me laugh like few others! 

I'm grateful that this ginormous plane really does fly, an engineering feat that still boggles my mind. I'm grateful for people being so genuinely happy and excited for us to go on this trip that they endured my constant references to it. I'm grateful for Tim's hobby of photography because his photos will last longer than my memories. I'm grateful for a husband, two sisters, and dear friends who love every part of me, even those yucky parts. I'm grateful for a joyous spirit who so easily slipped into our lives and became a daughter. 

I'm grateful most for a loving, faithful, hearing, sovereign, sacrificing, forgiving, providing Heavenly Father for I know I am blessed beyond measure. 

Trust: It's What Floats Your Boat

March 17, 2017

Pretend with me for a minute.  You are in the middle of a lake in a small wooden boat.  Across the stern of the boat, on that place where the name of the boat is placed, is the word “Trust.”  You look around the boat and all you have with you is an ax.  Now, think about your marriage or any significant relationship in your life.  Have you ever told a white lie?  You know, those little ones that you think have no real significant consequences.  The ones like “Yeah, I’m coming straight home” but then you stop at a couple stores first.  Or, “My phone died” when you decided to not answer it anymore.  Or even, “I’m fine” when you obviously aren’t.  With each one of these, pick up the ax and take a swing on the edge of the boat.

Have you ever told bigger lies?  “I’m just going out with the guys” or “I haven’t had that much to drink.”  Or hidden things like how much money you spent.  Or do you have secrets locked away behind private passwords on your computer, phone, or tablet?  Have you ever told someone that “you just need to forgive and forget” rather than simply standing by your loved one?  (Yes, we all need to forgive but it is not always safe to remain in some relationships.)  Take harder swings with that ax.  Each time. 

Have you ever called your spouse a name?  Even in the heat of an argument?  Have you ever threatened divorce?  Have you ever threatened her physical safety?  Or how about the bombshell lies like “He’s just a friend,” “It didn’t mean anything.”  Have you ever spoken lies over your partner such as “You are worthless” or “No one could love you”?  Have you ever blamed someone else for your own actions?  “It’s because of you that I get so angry and yell at you!”  “If you loved me more I wouldn’t have cheated.”  Pick up that ax and strike it square in the middle of the deck of the boat, over and over again.

Trust simply cannot survive such abuse.  In order to trust, we have to believe that the other person does not mean us any ill or harm.  We have to believe in the foundation of good will between us.  We have to believe that the other person means good for us, that the other person only wants God’s blessings on us.  We have to believe that the other person will protect us and have our backs at all times.  This is what builds and maintains trust.  This is what keeps the boat afloat.

Trusting God is the same thing.  Peter didn’t step out of the boat because it was sinking.  He stepped out because he wanted to be as close to Jesus as possible.  And, in that moment, the whole sea became his boat that kept him afloat.  He trusted that Jesus would protect him.  He trusted that Jesus only wanted the best for him.  He trusted Jesus meant him no harm.  It was only when he doubted these things, when he took his eyes off the true nature of Jesus, that he started to sink.

There are times when I certainly have had my trust issues with God.  Times when things didn’t go the way I wanted them to.  Times when healing didn’t come.  Times when I felt lead to do things I didn’t want to do.  Times when I have to let go.  I told someone the other day that I know God has a plan and that He is in control but it may not turn out the way I want it to.  Trust is also surrendering my will to God’s.  The struggle for me is all too real sometimes.  I know what I know but I also know what I feel.  And when trust is low that feeling is always fear, with a capital F-E-A-R.

So then, I have to return to what I know.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.” (2 Tim. 1:7)

“No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:15)

“Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.” (Eph. 1:4)

Beloved, let us The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”(1 John 4:8)

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, For His lovingkindness is everlasting.”(Ps. 136:1)

Do you believe that God is all love?  Do you believe that God is all good?  Do you believe that God only has love and goodness in His heart for you?  If so, then step out of the small boat, keep your eyes firmly on Him, and see how He will keep you afloat.

“Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aVFVveJNs

Schooled at School

Dec. 16, 2016

This semester is drawing to an end.  It’s a fact that saddens me but at the same time, I am so grateful.  I truly love teaching.  It’s one of those things that I never pictured myself doing.  For the last year of my Master’s degree, every time I walked on campus, I heard in my head, “You need to teach here.”  To which I would respond, “Who me?  What do I know about teaching?”  So, enjoying teaching and actually being pretty good at it is my proof that God will equip you to do whatever He calls you do to.  I usually make a couple of really good connections with students and walking out of class I am usually energized.  In fact, I have mentored quite a few students.  But not so much the last few semesters.

The last two or three semesters have been a struggle for me.  It’s been frustrating to see a decline in the quality of students.  Of course, there were students who were interested in learning, who tried hard in their assignments, and who put a priority on their academics.  Generally speaking, though, test grades have been on a downward trend.  The quality of writing in their papers has also been declining.  And I haven’t been making the usual connections.  The students, for the most part, just came to class, did not participate in class discussions, and always seemed to have excuses for poor or missing assignments.  I started to wonder if maybe I am the problem.  I would ask myself, “What’s the common denominator in all the classes?”  Me.  Maybe I am not teaching as well.  Or maybe my discouragement was showing too much and I seemed unapproachable or unrelatable.  Maybe I just needed a break from teaching.

So, I have been praying.  What would you have me do, God?  Bring me someone to mentor.  Show me where you want me.  He has answered my prayers in spades!  For over a year I have prayed for someone to mentor and this semester He has brought me some really special connections.  Both of my classes consist of students who are attentive, alert, and participate in class discussions.  Their essays were incredible!  And their test scores were well above the previous semesters.

But, more than just their performance in class, I have been able to connect individually with most of my students.  When I reflect on this semester, I can’t help but smile with the memories.  Ending the semester as friends is pretty cool.  Kelsey said, “You are a weird teacher.  You like hang out with your students outside of class.”  Yup, and I love every second of it!

Heavenly Father, I am grateful

for you hearing my prayers,

I am learning to be patient,

and that you are really there.

There are answers I’m receiving

No, they’re not always immediate.

Sometimes I have felt defeated,

That’s when I kneeled down in prayer

You show me you hear my prayer.

I’m amazed by how you care.

Cause you hear

My little prayer.

My Little Prayer – David Archuleta

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrPPJCu22ZI

The Open MRI

August 14, 2016

I am claustrophobic.  There, that doesn’t sound like such a big deal.  Except that it is.  Especially when I am required to do something that triggers it.  And, it’s getting worse.

For the past 9 months or so, my headaches (I have a history of migraines) have been changing.  Those who share this malady with me know that the doctor always says, “If your symptoms ever change, let me know.”  So I did and she responded with “Let’s get an MRI/MRA.”  So I went and they hooked me up to the IV, laid me on the skinny sliding table with my head inside a form that shaped around my neck and head.  Ok, not too bad.  Then he packed stuffing around my head so I couldn’t move.  Ok, not great.  Then came the Hannibal face cage….that locked in.  Nope, not good.  With my heart beating out of my chest, he took it off and let me do a little relaxation.  Then we tried again.  He locked in the cage and he started to slide me inside the “open” (that’s like calling a casket “open”) MRI.  I lasted about 5 seconds and then I Meghan Trainor’ed it (yes, I’m making it a verb).  “Nah” to the “Ah” to the “No,” “No,” “No.”  I went home.

The doctor then called in Xanax for me.  If you aren’t familiar with the drug, it’s basically a chill pill.  Back to the imaging center I go.  Tim is with me this time as my designated driver and support.  I take the medicine as prescribed, and get the IV hooked up again.  Back on the table, head packed, Hannibal face cage and I am visibly trembling this time.  Chill pill my ass!  So I take two more pills 30 minutes early which gives me a total of 1 mg of Xanax flowing in my system.  After waiting a bit of time to let the medicine take effect, we tried again.  Skinny table, head packed, Hannibal face cage of death, and my heart pounding.  That’s when the tech said, “Oh, the doctor added on imaging the neck so we have to do this part too” and he held up a device that looked like the front half of a cervical collar.  He put that on up under my chin.  Skinny morgue table, head packed, Hannibal face cage of death, cervical collar, my heart pounding, and now terror.  With tears streaming down my face and into my ears because there is no way to wipe them, all I could manage is to wiggle my head side to side to say “no.”  I cried the whole way home.  Tim asked, “What is wrong?”  “It was just so scary.”  And shameful.  I got home and not wanting to face anyone, I just went to bed.  Thanks to the Xanax, I slept 13 ½ hours.

I recognize that I feel a lot of shame with this.  I know that shame cannot live in the light so I am in the habit of telling people about it when I feel shame.  That usually takes care of it.  But not this time.  It’s been a battle even though I am being open with it.  Part of the frustration is not fully understanding the root of my phobia.  A few years ago, I figured out my fear of heights as being rooted in a loss of control of my body.  Just that realization greatly alleviated my fear of heights.  I believe my claustrophobia is rooted in the same thing but that realization has done nothing.  In fact, it has gotten worse over the last few years.  I don’t understand it.

This past week I was reminded of a time when I was trapped in a bathroom for 1 ½ hours.  I don’t remember being especially scared but I certainly remember not liking it.  Then, a few hours after remembering that, I saw Cora walk by.  Well, it wasn’t her because she passed away a couple of years ago but it sure looked like her.  It was Cora’s bathroom that I was trapped in.  It was weird that these two things happened so close together.  When things like this happen, I always wonder what God is doing.  I wish I knew.

What I do know is that just telling this story was difficult for me.  Reliving it as I wrote it made my heart pound and my breathing fast.  I’ve had to take three breaks.  I also know that I need counseling on this but, ironically, as a counselor I am having to work my way there emotionally.  I know that the road to healing is paved with a lot of revealing.  I know that God is working but I sure don’t know His plan.  I was reminded in church this morning of something Charles H. Spurgeon said, “When you can’t trace God’s hand, trust His heart.”  I’m trusting.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.”

Psalm 143:8

To My Younger Me

May 3, 2016

I’ve known I would write this particular blog post for over two years.  I just haven’t been able to approach the emotion in it.  But, today, the stars have aligned.

I have written before about my history of childhood sexual abuse.  At this point in my life and healing, I accept it as part of me and I use it to my advantage in counseling.  I have a heart for women survivors of sexual abuse and my experience helps me relate on a deeper level with them.  I can honestly say that I feel I have healed from this but like all scars, it never totally goes away.

About three years ago, I started a Celebrate Recovery step study.  We were in the early steps and we were working on the inventory, which is an accounting of our hurts, both inflicted and received.  The abuse, which isn’t usually on my mind, was on my mind a lot then.  A friend asked if I would talk with a child (and her mom) who had gone through sexual abuse because she thought it would help her to talk to someone who has come through it.  I agreed.

During the conversation, I think we all felt relatively comfortable.  It was not difficult for me, except for when we talked about porn.  By the time I got home, though, it was different.  It was so difficult.  I remember lying in bed crying and talking to Tim.  “What’s wrong?” he asked.  “It was just so hard.”  I couldn’t describe what I felt.  I couldn’t put words to the emotions.  I know that part of it was sadness for me as a child.  In processing it the next day, it was suggested to me that I was having, what Brene Brown would call, a vulnerability hangover.  That was definitely part of it.  With the step study, with a couple of clients that I had at that time, and with talking with the girl, I was thinking about my own abuse way more than I was used to doing!  I also realized that that conversation was much more than me, the adult, talking to the child; it was my “inner child” talking to the child. 

Fast-forward three years to the annual Christian Counselors of Texas conference.  Greg Miller, the director of Men of Valor Intensives with Faithful & True and our keynote speaker, presented on sexual addiction and recovery.  He spoke on the “3 Internal Voices.”  The Child Voice is innocent, naïve, trusting, vulnerable, and authentic.  The Survivor Voice is manipulative, deceptive, shameful, hiding, and isolated.  The Wise Adult Voice is founded in identity in Christ, knows strengths and limitations, is present and engaged, and is interdependent and emotionally free.  One of the key elements of the Wise Adult is the role of re-parenting the little child.  I have thought so much about this model since the conference in February (and there will be more blogs about it)!  God bless you, Greg Miller, for making me think, teaching me so much, and for being a sounding board to my thoughts since the conference!

Fast-forward again to today.  After thinking about (and avoiding) this blog post for so long, it has been on my mind a lot lately.  On my way to work this morning, a song by MercyMe came on the radio.  I’ve never heard it before and I was sure it was brand new.  I replayed it about five times during my drive because I knew God was working on me.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Not tears of pain but of relief.  It brought the missing piece that allows me to write today.  My conversation that day with the girl was my inner child talking to her.  But it was also my Wise Adult talking to my inner child saying, “You are ok.  You are whole.  You are loved.”  It was the re-parenting that Greg spoke of at the conference.

In thinking back about that night after the conversation, I very much remember the conundrum of feelings I had.  I couldn’t describe it then; I just knew it was a lot of emotions.  Part of me chose to wait to write about it because I knew I needed a little distance and I didn’t know how to fully make sense of it.  Today, God showed me it was time.  I know this may sound like an odd combination (hence the word “conundrum”) but the emotions I felt were sadness for my inner child, gratitude for my Wise Adult, a vulnerability that felt like I had been split wide open, and a relief from releasing a little more of the abuse.  There is a part of me that still feels like there is something else to be identified here but, when the time is right, God will reveal it like He has before.

When I think about the abuse, I count myself healed but I also know that there will always be more healing to do.  Wounds leave scars and, even when that scar is healed, sometimes it still hurts.  At each step of the way, though, I am coming closer to who God meant for me to be.

The song I heard this morning is MercyMe’s “Dear Younger Me.”  I hope it blesses you like it did me.

You are holy. You are righteous.

You are one of the redeemed.

Set apart a brand new heart

You are free indeed.

Every mountain every valley

Through each heartache you will see

Every moment brings you closer

To who you were meant to be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=An-Im0LL0XU

Being a Tulip

Jan. 30, 2016

Thoughts about creativity and how it relates to vulnerability have been running through my head lately.  These two go hand in hand.  It is impossible to be creative and not be vulnerable.  Being creative is risky.  Sharing a new idea in a meeting or with a group of people is scary stuff!  You are laying out your “new baby” for everyone to see, knowing full well that someone could say, “That baby is ugly.”  If that happens enough, you soon learn to not take the risk; you learn to keep your mouth shut.  Sometimes, it just takes experiencing this one time for you to clam up and not share your ideas ever again.

Claude Monet and Edgar Degas were founders of the Impressionistic style.  But, did you know, that the term was originally an insult to the style?  “You can’t really paint, that’s just your impression of that landscape!”  Monet and Degas and others were told their babies were ugly.  Instead of shrinking away, they kept at it.  They kept painting.  They stayed open even though you know the disapproving sneers had to hurt.  But, by being and remaining open, people began to take a better look and they saw the beauty of their paintings.

Last week, I gave a great friend a dozen dark pink tulips.  They were beautiful in color and had not yet begun to spread their petals.  The next day, the petals opened and revealed a stunning inner beauty.  At the bottom of the cup (tulips look like pretty cups to me), was an unexpected splash of teal.  She said no one really commented on her flowers until the blooms opened in all their glory.  They were pretty before but when they opened up they were incredible!

I am sure there is some Bible verse that goes along with this writing.  But thinking of one at this point seems like proof-texting.  Maybe you had a verse pop in mind as you read this and, if so, put it in the comments.  For me, what I would really like to focus on is two points.  One, we are all tulips.  We each have a stunning inner beauty.  Knowing that it is risky, the choice is yours whether to show it or not.  I hope you do.  Second, when we see someone else’s tulip opening, when we witness that vulnerability, we must treat it gently and tenderly.   Whether you like what you see or not, whether you think it is a good idea or not, the vulnerability is a thing of beauty.

Abundantly Beyond All That We Ask

Jan. 5, 2016

About 4 ½ years ago, we picked out a timid-hearted, cute-as-could-be schnauzer puppy.  We got her for Kelsey and she has truly been a Godsend for Kelsey and our family.  We picked her for Kelsey but, as it turns out, Sophie picked me.  I’ve heard before how dogs pick their people but I never put much stock in it.  Now I now it’s true.  Sophie blatantly prefers me over the rest of the family, even to a point that seems rude (such as Tim will call her up into the chair with him and she will jump into my lap instead).

So, you would think that Sophie’s preference would be to sleep with me too.  Not so.  She sleeps with Kelsey.  She started out sleeping in her kennel (aka her castle, because she is a princess, you know) and she has grown to sleeping on Kelsey’s bed.  She loves it in there.  That is her place, it’s her routine.  In fact, she asks to go to bed.  The kicker comes when Kelsey is gone for the night.  I can’t even coax her into sleeping with me.  She will not come if I call her.  She gets ugly if I pick her up and take her to my room.  She runs out like she is escaping prison.

Kelsey was gone last night so I tried once again to coax Sophie into my room.  What’s not to like in the MASTER bedroom?  There are two people instead of just one to love on her, it’s a Temper-pedic mattress.  For Pete’s sake, I, the preferred one, am in there!  But, no, she would have none of it.  In fact, Sophie made a beeline straight to Kelsey’s room.  I went in there curious to see which bed she chose: the kennel or the bed.  She chose the kennel.

I say all this because as I stood there looking at her in her kennel, I wondered just how often I turn down the Master’s deluxe offerings all the while thinking that I had the best I could get.  Or, how often did I lose a dream I had only to get a better one God had for me?  How often do I stay stuck in my nice, comfortable routine and miss what God is offering?

Once upon a time, I had a crush on someone.  But he didn’t have one on me.  But God had a better dream for me: Tim.  I once dreamed of being an architect.  God had a better calling for me: counseling and teaching.  I had a dream of good health for both of my kids.  That dream has not been realized the last 5 ½ years.  Other dreams have been fulfilled, though.  I dreamed of a strong relationship with Kelsey.  I dreamed of my kids having a close relationship.  I dreamed of strong faith in my kids.

I have to admit, though, if I am to be completely honest, that it can seem like a steep cost to realize these dream which then makes me wonder if God still has something else planned … another greater dream.  I have to say I wonder if I am still in the kennel or am I lying on the Master’s bed.  Is that being ungrateful to wonder, “Is there more?”  Or, is it a pragmatic realization that God can always do better than I can imagine?

This reminds me of Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians.  He spent six verses (Eph. 3:14-19) praying for the Ephesians and for their faith to grow and deepen.  Then, in verses 20-21, he goes beyond asking for his own dreams and says, “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”

My challenge, my pledge, for the New Year, is to pray this way.  I will ask for what is on my heart, I will be thankful for what I have, I will acknowledge God for who He is, and, in that, I will ask for His dream to be filled rather than mine.

“God is Able” by Hillsong
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTSknArjnWM

Holding Hands and Singing

July 26, 2015

Lettia, Sam, Kelsey, and I went to see Matt Redman in concert Sunday night.  I knew it would be a good concert but it exceeded my expectations.  If you get a chance to see him, it’s definitely worth it!  The last song of the night was “10,000 Reasons.”  It’s a song full of memories for me.  It is a favorite song of mine and I just love singing it in church and at camp with the youth group.  Our ladies Bible group also sang it often with Lisa.  It was one of her favorites, too.  She’s been with our Lord and Savior for over a year now. 

I took her once to get her lung drained and she told me afterwards that the nurse who was doing the procedure was humming “10,000 Reasons” while she was prepping her.  Lisa started singing the words with her and the nurse stopped what she was doing and they both just sang the song together.  I remember thinking, “Only Lisa could find a way to make a lung drain a worshipful time.”

So now I can’t seem to make it through the song without tears streaming down my face.  Lisa is all over this song.  She praised God every step of the way in her life.  She praised him through her illness.  And she is praising him now “for 10,000 years and then forevermore.”  At the end of the song at the concert, I looked over at Lettia who, with tears in her eyes, said, “She was here tonight.”  I replied, “Yes she is … just on the other side of the cross.”

It’s a beautiful picture to me to envision the connection we share with those in heaven.  Worship is a spiritual time.  My spirit connects with God.  Those who are in heaven worship God all the time.  So, when we are worshiping, we are holding spiritual hands with those in heaven.  Don’t get me wrong, I still so long to have Lisa here with me but I am comforted in knowing that there are times when we are still holding hands and singing “10,000 Reasons.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtwIT8JjddM

Humbly Accepting

April 4, 2015

During this Easter weekend, I have seen so much about the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior.  I’ve read the description of how he died, how grateful people are for the sacrifice, how it is impossible to truly wrap our brains around the gift given, and how we are so unworthy of it.  I’m good with hearing all those things…..except the last one.

Are we unworthy of such a gift, of such love?  If we base worthiness on behavior or on sin-free living, then yes, we are unworthy.  Of course, to compare ourselves to such an impossible standard, we will always come out on the unworthy side.  Are we worthy of such a gift, of such love?  YES!  Because God says so!

Any loving parent would tell you they would readily give their lives for their children.  Why?  Because that is my child and he is worth dying for.  Does God feel any differently?  Of course not!  Do I really need to cite the Bible verses that say so?  We all know them.  But when I hear talk of “I am not worthy” of such a gift, I wonder if those people truly know those words which God spoke with them in mind.  God said we are worth it.  God said it and I believe.  To deny that lessens the gift.  To say that I am unworthy is to put my opinion above God’s. 

This Easter, let’s stop saying that we are unworthy of the sacrifice Jesus made.  I, for one, am happy and beyond thankful to humbly accept a priceless gift.  I accept it because I am worthy.  I am worthy because God says so.

And now, for your listening enjoyment is MercyMe’s newest single “Flawless.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ7EyPTOltw

I Know Where I'm Going

Feb. 15, 2015

Aron was about 7 or 8 years old when he smarted off to Tim at the dinner table one night.  Tim jumped up, grabbed him by the arm to march Aron off to his room.  Aron jerked his arm out of Tim’s hand and defiantly said, “I know where I’m going!”  I vaguely remember thinking, “Ohhhh Lordy….” And I probably chuckled a little inside too.  Today, Tim and I both laugh a lot about this story.

It’s a story that is told often, even at last night’s Valentine’s dinner party.  It’s a story that has come up a lot for me in the last six weeks.  Almost 2 years ago, I sat with two dear ladies and explained to them that I felt God calling me to be President of Christian Counselors of Texas.  I didn't want to do it.  So much so, I cried when telling them about it.  The decision was made and I was installed as President-Elect last February knowing that I would have two years to learn the job of President.  Those two years were reduced to about 10 months when the current President had to resign due to health problems.  Aron’s voice rang through my head, “I know where I’m going!”

Several weeks ago, I felt a different calling from God.  I was to draw a Bible verse for someone who lives in my neighborhood, someone I don’t even know but I knew the verse had meaning to her.  So I drew it.  And then I waited.  It took a couple of weeks before I got up the nerve to give it to her.  I didn't want to look like some weird creeper.  Still trying to figure out some way around God’s command, I called a neighbor who knows this woman better than I do and asked if he would give it to her for me.  He said he would but that she would probably be fine with me coming to her door.  “Just look for her car in the driveway,” he said.  So I thought, “Ok, I’ll walk down there and maybe she won’t be home and I can just leave it with the other neighbor to pass on.”  But, of course, her car was there in the driveway.  Walking down the sidewalk I remember thinking, “Great.  I know where I’m going.”

As with all things “God,” both of these things have worked out.  Stepping up in leadership has been a true growing point for me.  I am working with a fantastic group of people who make my job so much better.  My gift to my neighbor was well received.  Since God was at the helm for that one, I can only assume that it was meaningful for her too.

Just as Aron was a bit defiant that night in his obedience, I too have been a bit defiant yet obedient.  Doing these things were certainly not at the top of my “want to do” list.  But doing these things certainly put God at the top of my list.

As I study this verse more just now, I see that defiant obedience is a far cry from walking humbly with God.  It is time to drop the “defiant” part.  Humble obedience is one more step in my walk.

He Sees, He Knows, He Comforts

Jan. 25, 2015

This morning I went to church by myself.  Kelsey is reacting strongly to the new medication and has been pretty sick the last couple of days.  Even though she is 18 years old, one of us still stays home with her when she isn’t feeling up to going to church.  It isn’t that she can’t be by herself.  We just know how much Kelsey likes to go to church and it seems cold and heartless for both of us to walk out the door essentially saying by our leaving, “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!”  For us to leave and go where she really wants to go but yet she can’t, just seems cruel.  Honestly, I’ve never talked to her about this and I doubt she would really feel that way or receive it that way but it is how I feel in that moment.

Going to church by myself has always been difficult.  I’m certainly not alone once I get there.  But somehow my family going to church together serves as sort of a litmus test of how we are doing.  If we all go, all things are well in the world.  If one of us is missing, there is an empty space that is felt.  And, if just one of us goes, well, it’s a difficult time.  As I was driving to church, I was thinking, “I’d give anything to take this illness from Kelsey.”  Then my counselor training kicked in and I thought, “Really?  Anything?”  You have to test the extreme and exaggerating words.  My answer was, “No, not anything.  I wouldn’t give up my soul.”  Trading my long-termed soul for a short-termed illness makes no sense.  This life is short compared to eternity.

In church, I was emotional because my litmus test was failing.  But, just as God would have it (because I don’t believe in coincidences), Russ preached exactly what I needed to hear this morning.  The sermon text was Luke 9:57-10:3.  In part of it, he talked about how we have to love God more than anyone and anything.  He said, “I can’t imagine my life without my son.  But I know I can’t survive without God.”  God has to be first.  We have to make decisions based on knowing we have an eternal life to think about and not just this short life on earth.

As I cried my way through church, I began to realize the different emotions I was having.  The first, of course, being what I’ve already discussed.  But I also realized I was feeling comfort.  I was feeling the comfort of being in God’s ever-loving, ever-present arms.  I know He sees me and my family.  I know He knows my pain.  And He knows just how to comfort me.  El Roi (“The God who sees”) remains my favorite name for God.

Don’t Judge A Book By Its Cover

Dec. 31, 2014

This past Monday Kelsey and I traveled to Houston for a second opinion doctor’s appointment.  Of course, at just that time, there was a massive fire in an abandoned building just four buildings down from the doctor’s office.  Yes, that part of town was a bit dicey.  We managed to detour around it and come around from the other direction to get to the appointment just 15 minutes late.  As I was sitting in the waiting room, I had an uneasy feeling because, well, I should just say the waiting room fit in with that part of town.  I kept telling myself, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” over and over again.

After meeting the doctor for just 3-4 minutes, Kelsey had already decided she loved her.  By the time we left an hour later, I cautiously liked her too.  I am skeptical of most doctors now until they really prove themselves to me.

As I was driving today, I was thinking about this appointment and how it is generally good advice to “not judge a book by its cover.”  And then, I was reminded of the book I am currently reading: “Vanishing Grace” by Philip Yancey.  It is largely about how non-Christians see Christians in a harsh light because of judgmental and intolerant attitudes.  In other words, they see little grace from those who have received it in abundance.  It occurred to me that we Christians are the cover to the Bible.  We are the first impression of the Bible to those “uncommitted and post-Christian people,” as Yancey calls them.

It begs questions such as “Do my actions echo my beliefs?”  “Does my attitude reveal the Word of God held within me?”  “Do I reflect the image of Christ?”  “Does the Good News look good in me?”  It saddens to me know that so many, an overwhelming majority, have a negative view of Christians.  They miss the message of the Bible because they don’t get past the cover.  The more I think about this today, the more I am convinced that my Bible isn’t covered with nice soft goatskin leather and a sewn binding.  It is covered by every Christian and bound with love for our Almighty Father.  I think that is true for every Bible.

Not My Dream But Thine

Oct. 25, 2014

We went to a Casting Crowns, Mandisa, and Sidewalk Prophets concert tonight.  It was fantastic!  I heard a song I never heard before and it really spoke to me.

Once or twice before I have written that I've been struggling with feeling like Jonah not wanting to go to Nineveh.  This pertained to two different things, one being the president of Christian Counselors of Texas and the other one being what I will call my “Nineveh.”  I don’t feel a need to go into details about it because that is really not the point.

This is something that I never really pictured myself doing and I really don’t have an ambition for it.  Although, I can see some positives in it.  After over a year of struggling with yet, essentially telling God “no,” I then came to a place of “Okay God, if this is what you want, then build the fire in me to want to do it.”  In other words, I agreed begrudgingly.

But a few weeks ago, I came to a place of surrender that said, “If this is what You want me to do, then I will do it and be glad in it.”  I was okay with it.  I came to a place of surrender which also revealed to me a place of gratitude. 

“But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you.  What I have vowed I will make good.”
~~Jonah 2:9

Then, something surprising happened.  I think another door has opened.  Another path has come into sight that doesn't lead to Nineveh.  I've thought a lot about this and, of course, talked to Tim and asked, “Do you think this was just a test to see if I would surrender to His will?”  I think so.  And, once I did surrender my will to His, another possibility is on the horizon.

I don’t know what is ahead of me regarding God’s plan.  I do know, though, that it will be the right one for me and I rejoice in whatever it is.  Nineveh always had a negative connotation for me.  No longer!  Nineveh is a place of precious surrender.  I’m letting go of my plan and being caught by God’s hand.  I’m letting God dream for me!

The song is “Dream for You” by Casting Crowns.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8nsJZx8eWw

Getting Off The Judge Roy Scream

Aug. 16, 2014

Kelsey told me yesterday that I needed to write another blog.  “Why?” I asked.  “Because it’s been two months and I like reading it.”  What more motivation do I need?

I’ve struggled lately to write.  My thoughts seem far too jumbled to be able to organize them.  It’s been an emotionally draining summer: the realization that Kelsey’s treatment wasn’t working (and knowing that IV meds are next), helplessly seeing Kelsey’s pain increase, the loss of a dear friend, my last year at church camp (I’ve gone for the last 12 years), carrying through on the decision to change churches (after being at Cedar Hill for 19 years), and a couple other things.  It’s been a lot to say the least.

The one theme that has held through it is the continuing question in my head of “What is different this time around?”  My faith has felt so much stronger even though I felt weaker.  It’s a point that bugged me because I couldn’t understand how that could be when, in the midst of it, I wasn’t really feeding my faith.  I wasn’t reading my bible; I was barely doing my bible study; I stopped reading my “Jesus Calling” devotional.

At camp, one of my favorite times of the day is the very last activity of the day.  We all go to the amphitheater that overlooks the lake and we sing and have a short devotional.  It is the most beautiful spot on the property with trees surrounding you but open sky right above.  And, as you look out, there is the moonlit water with a cross in the foreground.  It’s my constant reminder that God created all of this beauty and He sacrificed His Son for me so that I can enjoy an unimaginable beauty in His presence and one day sing with the angels.  One night, the youth minister, Matt, asked everyone to describe God.  Randomly, yet with such inherent order, a voice would speak out, “Love,” “All powerful,” “Peace,” “My everything,” “All knowing,” “I am,” “Good.”  The responses went on.  It is still so difficult to describe what that moment was for me but it was as if I felt the presence of God so keenly in the moment of those descriptions.  It was like being among the angels praising God.

I thought about writing about it then but I just couldn’t process it well in my head to really understand what it meant.  But today, at Kelsey’s urging to write, I see the puzzle pieces fall together.  This week’s bible study answered my question.  The answer came in a question, “Do you base your faith on what God does or who He is?”  Beth Moore, in our bible study, talked about riding the “roller coaster of faith of being up one day and down the next” if you base your faith on what God does. 

I have to admit that to a large extent my faith has been a roller coaster.  The last big testing of my faith was during the first 2-3 years of Kelsey’s illness.  I never felt in danger of losing my faith but I was certainly angry with God and rode those hills up and down (screaming included).  But this time around with Kelsey’s relapse, with the losses I’ve had, I’ve not felt those hills.  One near and dear to me asked how I got to this point and all I can think is that my focus changed without my conscious effort.  I think that night at camp was so powerful to me in large part because it focused on who God is rather than what He does.  I think consistently seeking God’s hand and presence keeps me focused on His character.  What is true about God has always been true.  He doesn’t change.  So my faith based on Him doesn’t change either.

To end, I will borrow a prayer from Beth Moore,

“God, I can’t understand why You’re doing this.  But I know that, unlike me, Your actions cannot be inconsistent with Your heart, and I know Your heart is loving, good, and faithful.  Somehow, some way, somewhere all these things are for good.  If I could just know You better through this, that is all the good I need.”

Now, a song….just because it’s happy….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0KnCqX7mrI

Early Riser or Riser?

June 12, 2014

In May, the women from the counseling agency where I work went to Pink Impact at Gateway church.  It’s a Christian women’s conference.  There are a lot of things I learned and certainly there were things that impacted me.  One of those moments was when the speaker said she found some Bible verses annoying.  She said it in a way that was funny and I certainly laughed but, inside, I was screaming, “Yes!  Someone else feels the same as me!”  She even referred to the same verse I’ve always found annoying: Prov. 31:15.

“She gets up while it is night;”

The verse is in the middle of the passage most people call the “Proverbs 31 woman.”  It’s a description of the model Godly woman.  So, this particular part about her getting up while it is nighttime gets me because that means she is an early riser….which means she is the polar opposite of me.  I am a firm believer that God made me this way.  I’ve always been a late nighter and a sleep later.  As a kid, I went to bed on time but I would lie in bed and read until midnight or sing myself to sleep.  Getting up before 9:00 in the morning means I absolutely have to set an alarm to wake up that early.  Or, I can easily sleep to about 10:00.  In my younger years, I easily slept until noon or later.  That is just my natural body rhythm.  So, when I first read that you have to be an early riser to be a Godly woman, I thought I was set up for failure.  It was annoying to me.

Never until this conference did I know that “while it is night” is not a reference to chronological time!  It is a reference to dark times, struggles, adversity, etc.  Now that makes more sense to me!  The Proverbs 31 Woman rises when it is darkest; she stands up to face her struggles.  Now that is a woman I can emulate, or at least try to.

My heart is heavy tonight as a dear, dear Proverbs 31 Woman is nearing her time to leave this earth.  My heart is heavy knowing that I already miss her.  She told me not too long ago that she was truly at peace with whatever happened.  I remember thinking that I’m not so at peace because I have a different perspective:  she’s looking into the gates of heaven and I’m looking at life without her.  My selfish side still stands by that response.  But my other side, my more mature side, is, in some ways, jealous of where she’s going.  And, in another way, I am so immensely proud for her that she is reaching a life-long goal.  Her life is to be celebrated.  And God is to be praised because I am so incredibly thankful for the Proverbs 31 Woman who showed me so many things, especially how to get up while it is still night.

One of her favorite songs that we sang so often…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXDGE_lRI0E

Clarifying Life

April 25, 2014

I’ve been watching videos of sermons and TED talks while I am exercising on my recumbent bike.  It is hitting two birds with one stone: I always learn something plus it makes the time go really quickly.  This morning’s TED talk caught my eye because of what I have been teaching in my Human Growth and Development class.  It is a class that covers physical, cognitive, social, and personality development across the lifespan.  Given that it is the end of the semester, we have been learning about late adulthood which, of course, then includes discussion of looking towards death, becoming more relational, and evaluating your life.

So, when I saw a TED talk titled “Before I die I want to…” I was intrigued.  Developmentally, I am in the stage called middle adulthood.  Maybe that is why I am thinking more about my bucket list – that list of all the things I want to do before I die.  The list is growing and I love hearing other people’s ideas so I hit “play” on the video.  It is a great talk and I’ve included a link to it below if you want to take the very few minutes to watch it for yourself.

The statement that most caught my attention and caused me to think was towards the end when she said, “Thinking about death clarifies your life.”  There is a lot packed into those six words.  Thinking about death in a positive way that says, “My time is limited and becoming more and more precious, what am I going to do with it?”  We’ve all heard the saying that we should live our lives as if each day were our first and last.  When looking at things with a sense of wonder and excitement, that works.  When looking at relationships that need to be fixed, or wrongs that need to be righted, that works.  But, practically speaking, if I knew I only had a very short time to live, I would do something incredibly different than what I have planned for today.  I wouldn’t go get my hair cut, I wouldn’t sit out by the pool.  I’d probably jump on a plane to somewhere in Europe or the Mediterranean.

Knowing that our time is limited and more precious is certainly based on the assumption of living an average life span.  It is looking forward to what do I want to do and that is largely based on looking back and evaluating what I have already done.

“Thinking about death clarifies your life” also hit me since we have just celebrated Easter which is about not just the resurrection of our Lord and Savior but also His sacrificial death.  When I think about that death, it absolutely clarifies my life.  When I think about what He went through for me, it absolutely clarifies my life.  When I think about the love that He has for me that motivated Him to take on my sin and become my intercessor, it absolutely clarifies my life.  When I think about the fact that He arose from the grave and He lives, it absolutely clarifies my life.  When I think about how he sent the Holy Spirit to be my counselor, my comforter and that it indwells me, it absolutely clarifies my life.

“For God so loved [Audra] that He gave His only begotten Son”

~ ~ John 3:16 (Audra’s personalized version)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uebxlIrosiM

Hopeful Endurance

April 16, 2014

I’ve been having a lot of migraines lately.  For the last five weeks or so, it seemed they were occurring about once a week.  One was so bad I was throwing up.  For the most part, though, I work through it the best I can.  Last week, someone said to me, “I don’t know how you do it when you have a migraine.”  She was wondering how I keep going, how do I go to work, etc.  That particular day the headache was about a 6/10 on the pain scale.

I told her that I have found that if I just get going in what I need to do, the distraction works to get my mind off the headache.  In thinking about it more, I usually tend to remember a quote from my grandmother, “I’m going to feel bad either way so I may as well get up and do something.”  That’s true a lot of the time.  Granted there are some headaches that put me in bed but most I try to power through on this philosophy.

Later that afternoon, I was driving to campus to teach class and I was remembering the conversation about my headaches.  It dawned on me that there is actually a much bigger motivation – one that I had known but had never really put words to.  Just the night before, in a Bible study with my small group sisters, we were discussing two types of patience in the Bible. 

One type of patience derives from the Greek word makrothumia which means long-suffering, endurance, or perseverance.  It is putting up with things or circumstances.  The other type of patience derives from the Greek word hupomone which also means endurance and perseverance but with an important distinction: it is inspired by hope.  It is looking for a positive outcome or expected end.

I bring this up not to get lost in Greek words (which is what happens to me) but rather highlight what this looks like in action.  When I have a bad headache, I try my best to get up and get going because the distraction is good for me.  But I also get up and get going because I have hope of my headache getting better.  I have hope that if I get moving that maybe my neck will loosen up which will alleviate my headache.  I have hope that the medication will kick in and alleviate my headache.  Hope is my real motivation.

We all have things we struggle with.  Because of what I do professionally, I see people’s struggles all the time.  But why do we struggle?  Why do we keep pushing through?  Because the big picture is not the struggles.  The big picture is the hope of eternal life with my God and my Lord and Savior.  The point of this world is not this world but rather to look toward the positive outcome or expected end.  I am full of hope!

“Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.  For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.”

~~ Heb. 10:35-36

Feeling Like Jonah

Mar. 18, 2014

“I don’t want to and you can’t make me.”  It’s a short little sentence and I remember it verbatim.  It came from the mouth of my strong-willed, sensitive child some 10 years ago.  I don’t have a clue what it was I had told him to do.  But I remember vividly that we were in my bedroom and he was standing in front of the armoire.  I remember, too, the visual image in my head of seeing smoke shoot out both my ears, much like in the cartoons.  I was so angry that all I could manage to say was “You may have won this battle but tomorrow I will win the war.  Go to your room.”

The next day, I called him to the breakfast table and informed him that we were going to do a Bible study.  We read the book of Jonah together aloud, discussing it as we went.  I don’t remember exactly how long it took but it was around a couple of hours.  At the end, I asked him, “Why did we study this?”  “Because Jonah told God, ‘I don’t want to and you can’t make me,’” he said.  Mission accomplished.  As with all successful missions, you need to write a report on it, so he did.

From time to time, that insolence, I mean independent spirit, would rear its head and all we had to say was, “What did Jonah tell God?” and he got the message.  It was a lesson well learned.  For him.

For the last nine months or so, and for the last two months, I have felt like Jonah in two different areas of my life.  So much so that for the longer one, I am still not prepared to discuss it.  I’m still holding out hope that I am misunderstanding God.  So, I will let this one be.  The other one, for the past couple of months, is a huge stretch for me personally and professionally.  I have thought a lot about whether to write about this because I really don’t want any added pressure or well-meaning kudos. 

When I first started thinking about this, actually it was more like God saying, “You should do this,” it scared me bad.  It is so far outside of my box and fear of failure is screaming at me.  In fact, the first couple of times I talked to select people about it, I cried.  I know what God is telling me but I am telling Him, “I don’t want to and you can’t make me.”  As coincidences go (there are no such things as coincidences), Kelsey sent me a video of Sophie, our dog, getting in trouble for getting into the bathroom trash.  She is so pitiful and it is funny from that standpoint.  But as I heard Tim commanding her to “Come here” and then saw him gently drag her passive resistant body to the trash can, I thought, “That’s me and God right now.”

I have prayed a lot about all of this.  Surprisingly, my prayers have not been me trying to talk God out of it.  No, rather I have been asking for equipping, peace, and excitement.  Lord knows (and He truly does!), that I can’t do this well without being excited about it.

The truth is that in the last week I have been feeling just a bit excited about it.  The video is more accurate for me a week ago.  Now, as I am writing this and analyzing it more for myself, I am realizing something else too.  When I told someone near and dear to me that I was feeling like Jonah, she asked, “So what’s your Ninevah?”  I told her and she encouraged me in it.  In thinking about it more now, I am not sure if my Ninevah is this “project” or a fear of failure.  I am not used to feeling that fear.  I don’t think I have ever really stepped out to try something that I didn't first feel reasonably assured that I would succeed.  Ever since I completed my internship, I've been praying for a new long term goal/challenge.  Maybe this is it.

God is working and I am okay with it.

Keep on Keepin’ On

Feb. 26, 2014

I’ve noticed a shift in my mantra lately.  For the last 3-4 years, it has been “Into your hands, O Lord.”  It has been my little prayer when I worry or have been stressed.  When Kelsey would pass out, “Into your hands, O Lord” was always in my mind.  When Aron got his motorcycle and he would pull out of the driveway, revving his engine (the one on his bike and the one inside him) all the way, “Into your hands, O Lord” invariably came out of me.

I had to use it much less in the last 6 months.  My stress level has been so much lower and I am so thankful!  But in the last couple of months, we have seen a bit of a relapse occurring with Kelsey.  Symptoms are returning.  We have been to the doctor twice in the last eight weeks and I talked to the doctor on the phone today in order to speed up treatment.  I am concerned about the decline we are seeing.

But I am in a different place this time.  I know that we will never get back to a place that was as bad as it was before with Kelsey.  We will always catch her symptoms early.  Now that we know the name of the monster, we can see it and fight it so much better.  So, my mantra doesn’t feel appropriate anymore.  As I was thinking about all of this about a week ago, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what my new mantra should be until I heard a song at just that moment…..because that is how God works.

And so, as I was driving home tonight after my Bible study sisters small group, I was thinking about what I should write about and guess what song comes on…. Yup, because that is how God works.  This mantra is for me but it is also for my sisters who are struggling too: one who is recovering from surgery, one who is battling cancer, one who is hurting so deeply, one who’s father-in-law is in his last days, one whose son is in constant pain, and one whose father has persistent medical problems and a difficult mother who adds to the problems.

I can only assume the song’s inspiration comes from Phil. 3:13-14,

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
 I press on toward the goal
 to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

The song lyric is “Doesn’t matter where I’m going if I’m going with You; I press on, I press on, I press on.”

Yes, “I press on.”                            

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQsRKCH59qw

His Presence is His Present

Written Feb. 4, 2014

Published 2/18/14

Today is a gift.  That is something I have especially learned in the last 3 ½, well nearing on 4, years.  Through Kelsey’s illness, it was sometimes so very difficult not to think about tomorrow.  What would the future look like?  Will she better?  Or worse?  This was especially true before we got the Lyme disease diagnosis.  Uncertainty loomed large.

Somehow, I, the one who likes to plan ahead and set my plans in stone, learned to live more in the moment and leave those uncertainties to God.  This work started early in our marriage because Tim worked in network support.  So many times our plans changed due to last minute support calls.  I think it is one of those times where God started working on me preparing me for the future.  So, with Kelsey’s illness, there rarely seemed to ever be firm plans that weren’t in any way dependent on how she felt.  In retrospect, I see that when I got mired in the uncertainties of the future when I got depressed.  But now I see an interesting irony.  When I focused on the uncertainties of the future, I felt hopeless and lonely.  However, now when I look back at the times when I felt stronger, it was often because I was letting God handle the uncertainties.  It was then that I felt hope.  I was hopeful because if there are uncertainties and I have given them to God then I know that He has plenty of room to work.  Uncertainties provide possibilities.

So I have learned to know what I have today.  Of course, I am human and incredibly fallible and I have had my moments of worry over the last month.  Kelsey is struggling a bit more with fatigue and some other minor symptoms.  Lyme disease doesn’t go away.  It is something that will always be in Kelsey’s and our lives.  And so, as we are actively planning college for her, we are having to keep in mind what she is capable of today and make no assumptions of it being in any different in the future.  It is part of accepting life as it is.

God promises us today.  The future he promises is not tomorrow or the day after; rather it is eternal life with Him in heaven.  Just as He provided manna and quail on a daily basis, He provides daily for me.  I feast with joy in his daily provision.  Because His loving presence is my strength and comfort and protection, I have hope in the uncertainties of life.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

~ ~ Ps. 28:7