May 3, 2016
I’ve known I would write this particular blog post for over
two years. I just haven’t been able to approach
the emotion in it. But, today, the stars
have aligned.
I have written before about my history of childhood sexual
abuse. At this point in my life and healing,
I accept it as part of me and I use it to my advantage in counseling. I have a heart for women survivors of sexual
abuse and my experience helps me relate on a deeper level with them. I can honestly say that I feel I have healed
from this but like all scars, it never totally goes away.
About three years ago, I started a Celebrate Recovery step
study. We were in the early steps and we
were working on the inventory, which is an accounting of our hurts, both
inflicted and received. The abuse, which
isn’t usually on my mind, was on my mind a lot then. A friend asked if I would talk with a child
(and her mom) who had gone through sexual abuse because she thought it would
help her to talk to someone who has come through it. I agreed.
During the conversation, I think we all felt relatively
comfortable. It was not difficult for
me, except for when we talked about porn.
By the time I got home, though, it was different. It was so difficult. I remember lying in bed crying and talking to
Tim. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “It was just so hard.” I couldn’t describe what I felt. I couldn’t put words to the emotions. I know that part of it was sadness for me as
a child. In processing it the next day, it
was suggested to me that I was having, what Brene Brown would call, a
vulnerability hangover. That was
definitely part of it. With the step
study, with a couple of clients that I had at that time, and with talking with
the girl, I was thinking about my own abuse way more than I was used to
doing! I also realized that that
conversation was much more than me, the adult, talking to the child; it was my
“inner child” talking to the child.
Fast-forward three years to the annual Christian Counselors
of Texas conference. Greg Miller, the
director of Men of Valor Intensives with Faithful & True and our keynote
speaker, presented on sexual addiction and recovery. He spoke on the “3 Internal Voices.” The Child Voice is innocent, naïve, trusting,
vulnerable, and authentic. The Survivor
Voice is manipulative, deceptive, shameful, hiding, and isolated. The Wise Adult Voice is founded in identity
in Christ, knows strengths and limitations, is present and engaged, and is
interdependent and emotionally free. One
of the key elements of the Wise Adult is the role of re-parenting the little
child. I have thought so much about this
model since the conference in February (and there will be more blogs about
it)! God bless you, Greg Miller, for making
me think, teaching me so much, and for being a sounding board to my thoughts
since the conference!
Fast-forward again to today.
After thinking about (and avoiding) this blog post for so long, it has
been on my mind a lot lately. On my way
to work this morning, a song by MercyMe came on the radio. I’ve never heard it before and I was sure it
was brand new. I replayed it about five
times during my drive because I knew God was working on me. It brought tears to my eyes. Not tears of pain but of relief. It brought the missing piece that allows me
to write today. My conversation that day
with the girl was my inner child talking to her. But it was also my Wise Adult talking to my
inner child saying, “You are ok. You are
whole. You are loved.” It was the re-parenting that Greg spoke of at
the conference.
In thinking back about that night after the conversation, I
very much remember the conundrum of feelings I had. I couldn’t describe it then; I just knew it
was a lot of emotions. Part of me chose
to wait to write about it because I knew I needed a little distance and I didn’t
know how to fully make sense of it.
Today, God showed me it was time.
I know this may sound like an odd combination (hence the word “conundrum”)
but the emotions I felt were sadness for my inner child, gratitude for my Wise
Adult, a vulnerability that felt like I had been split wide open, and a relief
from releasing a little more of the abuse.
There is a part of me that still feels like there is something else to
be identified here but, when the time is right, God will reveal it like He has
before.
When I think about the abuse, I count myself healed but I also
know that there will always be more healing to do. Wounds leave scars and, even when that scar
is healed, sometimes it still hurts. At
each step of the way, though, I am coming closer to who God meant for me to be.
The song I heard this morning is MercyMe’s “Dear Younger Me.” I hope it blesses you like it did me.
You are holy. You
are righteous.
You are one of the
redeemed.
Set apart a brand
new heart
You are free
indeed.
Every mountain
every valley
Through each
heartache you will see
Every moment brings
you closer
To who you were
meant to be.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=An-Im0LL0XU
