Aug. 16, 2014
Kelsey told me yesterday that I needed to write another
blog. “Why?” I asked. “Because it’s been two months and I like
reading it.” What more motivation do I
need?
I’ve struggled lately to write. My thoughts seem far too jumbled to be able
to organize them. It’s been an
emotionally draining summer: the realization that Kelsey’s treatment wasn’t
working (and knowing that IV meds are next), helplessly seeing Kelsey’s pain
increase, the loss of a dear friend, my last year at church camp (I’ve gone for
the last 12 years), carrying through on the decision to change churches (after
being at Cedar Hill for 19 years), and a couple other things. It’s been a lot to say the least.
The one theme that has held through it is the continuing
question in my head of “What is different this time around?” My faith has felt so much stronger even
though I felt weaker. It’s a point that
bugged me because I couldn’t understand how that could be when, in the midst of
it, I wasn’t really feeding my faith. I
wasn’t reading my bible; I was barely doing my bible study; I stopped reading
my “Jesus Calling” devotional.
At camp, one of my favorite times of the day is the very
last activity of the day. We all go to
the amphitheater that overlooks the lake and we sing and have a short
devotional. It is the most beautiful
spot on the property with trees surrounding you but open sky right above. And, as you look out, there is the moonlit
water with a cross in the foreground. It’s
my constant reminder that God created all of this beauty and He sacrificed His
Son for me so that I can enjoy an unimaginable beauty in His presence and one
day sing with the angels. One night, the
youth minister, Matt, asked everyone to describe God. Randomly, yet with such inherent order, a
voice would speak out, “Love,” “All powerful,” “Peace,” “My everything,” “All
knowing,” “I am,” “Good.” The responses
went on. It is still so difficult to
describe what that moment was for me but it was as if I felt the presence of
God so keenly in the moment of those descriptions. It was like being among the angels praising
God.
I thought about writing about it then but I just couldn’t
process it well in my head to really understand what it meant. But today, at Kelsey’s urging to write, I see
the puzzle pieces fall together. This
week’s bible study answered my question.
The answer came in a question, “Do you base your faith on what God does
or who He is?” Beth Moore, in our bible
study, talked about riding the “roller coaster of faith of being up one day and
down the next” if you base your faith on what God does.
I have to admit that to a large extent my faith has been a
roller coaster. The last big testing of
my faith was during the first 2-3 years of Kelsey’s illness. I never felt in danger of losing my faith but
I was certainly angry with God and rode those hills up and down (screaming
included). But this time around with
Kelsey’s relapse, with the losses I’ve had, I’ve not felt those hills. One near and dear to me asked how I got to
this point and all I can think is that my focus changed without my conscious
effort. I think that night at camp was
so powerful to me in large part because it focused on who God is rather than
what He does. I think consistently
seeking God’s hand and presence keeps me focused on His character. What is true about God has always been
true. He doesn’t change. So my faith based on Him doesn’t change
either.
To end, I will borrow a prayer from Beth Moore,
“God, I can’t understand why You’re doing this. But I know that, unlike me, Your actions
cannot be inconsistent with Your heart, and I know Your heart is loving, good,
and faithful. Somehow, some way,
somewhere all these things are for good.
If I could just know You better through this, that is all the good I
need.”
Now, a song….just because it’s happy….
