Storm Shelter

October 23, 2013

Having never had a pet growing up, except rabbits for a short time and two hamsters named Timothy I and Timothy II, I was never that into the love of pets.  I never thought of them as parts of a family.  Even when I had a dog 20 years ago, she didn’t have that special place in my heart.  But, this dog, my Sophie, is different.  She is special not just because of her very sweet personality but also because of what she has done for our family.  She brought laughter, joy, and diversion at a time when we really needed it.

Since Friday morning at 4am, she has been really sick with vomiting and the runs.  She is in a lot of pain and refuses to be picked up.  I think the pressure on her stomach or chest is too much for her.  She is so pitiful and she refuses to eat or drink water.  If only dogs could talk, it would be so much easier.  But, in lieu of that, we have to glean from her behavior how she is feeling.  We have found that when she is feeling bad, she is cuddly which is not a usual characteristic for her.  She also just stays very close to me or Kelsey.  When she is not feeling well, she is very mopey or droopy and she will sit right next to you, even lean on you.  It’s like she is saying, “I’m so sick and I need you to make me feel better” or “I’m so sick and being with you and you petting me makes me feel better.”  It really is pitiful.

I know it is a bit of a cheesy metaphor, especially if you are not a person who loves their dog.  It strikes me how she turns to her master for comfort.  She seeks to be by my side, to touch me, to feel my touch and love.  The obvious metaphor is seeking God in times of distress.  Do I look to Him when I am stressed or sick?  Do I seek Him when I need strength or comfort?  Do I run to him when I need shelter in the storm?  Unfortunately, far too often God is not my first “go-to.”  Shoot, too often He is the last one I seek.  Of course, I can still rationalize this and say that God still makes the list even if He is last but, really, that is ridiculous.  He is my “strong tower” and I am among his righteous.  If I am in the middle of a storm, I need to get to the safest place possible.  Don’t take cover in the backyard shed; run to the storm shelter.  In that shelter is peace, love, strength, comfort, and support.

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.”
~ ~ Prov. 18:10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLYnN3rRC1Q

Shame is to Blame

October 14, 2013

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping lately.  There are times when I have trouble falling asleep but once I do, I usually sleep well.  I don’t usually even dream much.  But the last five or six nights have not been great.  The first night I attributed it to too much caffeine at night.  That has happened a few times before and my sleep was fitful and it often felt like I had not even been to sleep even though I had.  So, I cut out the nighttime caffeine.  But it didn’t help.  Last night, it took over an hour to just fall asleep and then it was again another fitful, dream-filled night.

This morning, as I sat reading a book because my appointment no-showed, I was reading a chapter about anxiety and I realized that all of my dreams this past week are anxiety-ridden.  That’s unusual for me too but it certainly matches with the feeling that I can’t turn my brain off at night.  As I sit and analyze myself trying to figure out what is going on, I also realize that a lot of my thoughts over the last few days are centered on the sexual abuse and all the emotions I had while Kelsey was sick.  More specifically, I am remembering all of my breakdown moments.

It seems so morbid sometimes the things I get focused on.  Sometimes, I am able to come to conclusion on why I am focused on it which, of course, then resolves it.  So, I am wondering why it is happening this time.  I think it is fair to say that it started with participating in a Celebrate Recovery Step Study group.  In working through the inventory, I was drawn to think about how the abuse truly affected me and when I think about the pain I went through and held in, sadness envelopes me.  Perhaps then it is a natural extension to go from remembering that pain to remembering the pain of my precious daughter’s illness.

So many people told me how strong I am to go through what we have been through.  I often heard comments like, “I don’t know how you came through it so well” and “I just don’t know how you do it.”  To this day, my first thought in response is always, “You don’t know my breakdown moments.  You didn’t see me then.”  There was so much you didn’t see.  You didn’t see me cry all night in my sister’s arms.  You didn’t see me on the phone to my other sister crying and yelling obscenities mostly aimed at God.  You didn’t see me all those nights in bed crying myself to sleep with Tim hanging on to me.  You didn’t see me the night I left Kelsey in the hospital, crying so hard that my sister talked me home on the phone.  You didn’t see me in the backyard at midnight beating a dead tree with a bat.

I don’t like talking about those times.  So much so that my stomach is in knots just writing about it…and knowing that you are reading it.  It feels like a weakness, a deficiency.  It feels bad.  The problem is that what I know contradicts what I feel.  I know those breakdown moments were my relief valves.  Venting allowed me to pick my head up off the pillow the next day and carry on.  I also know that venting to God, even the ugly words I yelled, at least kept me in a relationship with Him.  I didn’t shut Him out.

When I first started writing this, I was seeing the lesson as “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:9-10) as well as the purpose and benefit of sharing pain, but I now see that that is not the right lesson at all.  What I see now is the shame that I was running from…the shame of having breakdown moments.  I even told my class just this morning that “Shame only lives in darkness and secrets.”  Brene Brown, my new favorite current author, says when you feel shame, you have to run to your best, safest person and tell them all about it.  Otherwise, the shame will take root.

Now that I have shared my breakdown moments, the shame is weakened.  I didn’t even have to publish it for it to do its good work.  In the two days since I first wrote this, I am sleeping better.  Confession is so good for the soul and so deadly to shame!

Moving Out of the Colony

October 9, 2013

I heard a great sermon this past Sunday.  It was about how Jesus reached out to the leper and healed him and how we should be reaching out to everyone around us, especially the outcasts.  After all, we are all lepers in some way, shape, or form.  For me, a great way to gauge the effectiveness of a sermon is to see if it comes up for me again during the week or even later.

Sure enough, it came up for me this morning.  In biblical times, the leper had to shout warning to anyone approaching, “Unclean!  Unclean!”  If you touched a leper, you too were considered unclean and had to remain separate from the masses.  What occurred to me, though, is that so many people are still shouting “Unclean!” to those around them.  You won’t usually hear it verbally but you will see it in their mannerisms, their choices, their demeanors, and their actions.  It is that person whose shame keeps them separated and in their own leper colony.  It is that person whose self-worth is so low that they tell the world “I am unworthy to be around you.”  It is that person who thinks so poorly of himself that his anger acts as both his shield and dagger.

My thinking then carried on to wondering if the leper that Jesus healed had to work to stop warning people by shouting, “Unclean!” when someone approached him.  It seems to me that would be a habit that you would have to work to break.  I would think it was an automatic reaction when people started to walk up to him.  Even though Jesus healed him of his leprosy, I am willing to bet he still struggled with this.

Likewise, when there was healing with regards to my abuse, like when God helped me forgive my grandmother, I still had to work against some specific triggers.  Even when I received healing in the form of understanding my identity in Christ, I still had to work to receive a compliment instead of my automatic response of discounting it.

It has indeed been a blessed week.  God has shown me through an excellent sermon and some revelation that even though healing occurs, you still have to choose and work to live outside of the leper colony.

Are You Trippin'?

October 5, 2013

A couple of weeks ago we went on our 20^th annual Sister Trip.  This first started as Sister Day when I was pregnant with Aron.  Angela, Allyson, and I spent the day together seeing a movie, eating out, and just being together.  This grew into many years of skiing and Kelly became our fourth sister.  Through the years there have been others who joined us too.  We have done other things too like going to Nashville, a spa, a couple of cruises, and this year we went to the Women of Faith conference in Dallas.

I remember sitting in the American Airlines Center arena thinking, “The old ladies are too old for skiing and now we are going spiritual.”  I wasn’t thinking that in a negative way, I was just acknowledging that this is where we are at now.  Then I realized that our trips have always been spiritual.

I have so many fantastic and funny memories from our trips.  So many times, it was my favorite trip of the year because it was just fun to get away with my sisters and laugh!  Seeing Angela face plant as she tried to get on a ski lift, or seeing Carol get stuck straddling a rock while on her skis, or all the wrong turns we have taken like ending up on tiny dirt roads going 65 mph or me missing a major turn and going to the wrong state, twice!  The four of us singing on the ski lift and Kelly and I skiing fast are heartwarming for me.  We’ve had other adventures like getting snowed in at Amarillo or me being so sick with a migraine I had to go to the ER.  Or, the time that Allyson’s luggage was blown off the roof of the suburban by a passing 18-wheeler and it rolled down the highway and into a ditch like a Samsonite commercial.

Brene Brown, in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,” defines spirituality as “recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.  Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”  This is the power and the gift of Sister Trip to me.

So, really, we aren’t the old ladies who have gone spiritual just because we chose to go to a Christian Women’s event.  We’ve been spiritual all along because we are all bound by “a power greater than all of us” and we are “grounded in love and compassion” which always “brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”  My spirit is enriched, lifted, joined with my sisters no matter what we are doing.  I am so incredibly blessed.

For your listening enjoyment, here is a video of 12,000 women at the conference singing “Amazing Grace” acapella.