Invisible Threads

Dec. 1, 2013

Connection.  That word keeps coming up for me over the past few weeks.  It’s a simple word but, boy, does it pack a punch!  It is, quite simply, the cure for so many ills.  With another Thanksgiving literally under my belt, I thought about the word from a family perspective.  The holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) are family times.  Yes, they are about gratitude and celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, but they are also about being with family.  For many, it is the only time of the year when they see these people.  It is a time of reconnecting.  For the most part, when a holiday is not good for someone, it is because they did not connect in some way, shape, or form with their people.  God designed us to be connected.  After God created everything in this world, He sat back and surveyed it and found that it was all good, except for one thing.  It was not good that Adam was alone.  So, He made woman.  That stupid line in the movie, “Jerry McGuire,” got it all wrong.  Adam was complete in and of himself.  Rather, Eve complemented Adam.  Men and women are divinely designed so differently yet, they enhance each other.  People need other people not because they are incomplete without them.  People need other people because you can’t be your best without them.  Connection enriches people.

Connection is actually part of our biochemical design.  Oxytocin, a neurotransmitter (chemical messenger), is a bonding agent.  It’s nickname is the “cuddle hormone.”  It is released when mothers nurse their babies and they feel that wonderful warmth and bond with their child.  It is released right after orgasm and promotes bonding between lovers.  It also explains one reason why porn is so destructive because then you are bonding with images.  Oxytocin is also released in times of stress.  Your body is literally urging you to connect with someone in order to manage stress.  Connection makes life easier.

Connection is also the cure to shame (my favorite topic of study lately).  When you feel those awful feelings of shame come on, those feelings that say, “No one can know about this” or “I’m a loser (or a horribly person, or whatever) because of this, it is imperative that you run, not walk, to your safest person and tell them about it.  Shame cannot survive out in the open.  Shame only lives and thrives in the deepest, darkest recesses of your heart.  Shining light on it by sharing it with someone, especially God, robs shame of its power.  Connection trumps shame.

Connection is also a vital component of faith.  In the past, when I went through difficulties, I would always feel very far from God.  It felt like God was nowhere near me.  When I was going through the abuse and in the years afterward when I was dealing with the aftermath of it, that distance was so great that I deemed God non-existent.  So, I painted Bible verses in my bathroom based on the theme “Emmanuel: God With Us” to remind me of that fact day in and day out.  Then Kelsey got sick.  Chronic Lyme disease creates a hell that is hard to see God in.  I was losing the connection with God.  I started writing this blog so that I could see Him more readily.  I had to force myself to notice His works in my life because I had experienced the desolation of the desert without Him.  That is not a trip you want to take twice.  I reached out and held on.  Sometimes that rope between me and God felt like those giant mooring ropes you see on cruise ships; other times it felt like a thread.  But a thread is still a strand of that mooring rope.  God is still on the other end.  Connection is my lifeline to God.

Perhaps Friedrich Nietzsche said it simplest, “Invisible threads are the strongest ties.”

I love this song because it sounds like the joy I feel when I am connected to God.

Jamie Grace feat. Toby Mac – “Hold Me”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISgr8SgCYbY

Discovery and Recovery

Nov. 21, 2013

April, 2010 was the start of a journey for our family.  Kelsey got Lyme disease but we didn’t know it.  She had a bout of what we thought was just a virus and she fainted.  We didn’t think anything of it really.  The next month she passed out but it was more like a seizure, not like her fainting the month before.  Something was definitely not right with this one.

So we got on the long road of doctor appointments, unanswered questions, multiple diagnoses, complete frustration, helplessness, and disillusionment with the medical system.  At one point, Kelsey was diagnosed with neuropathy, POTS, basilar migraines, migraines with aura, chronic daily headaches, chronic pain syndrome, possible MS, and “all in her head.”  In Jan. 2012, the severe pain began and she massively deconditioned basically overnight.  On good days, she rated her pain in her arms and legs at 6/10 and there were a whole lot of days at 7-8/10 and even 10+ days at the hospital.  This went on non-stop, literally, until the next December (2012).

What helped Kelsey came from an unexpected place.  Out of 15 or so doctors, a couple of them being world-renowned doctors in their specialties, not a single doctor would take the lead in her case.  Only one doctor would prescribe a narcotic pain medication (and that wasn’t the Chronic Pain doctor) and he only gave her a tiny bit.  One doctor continually called her “bizarre and complex.”  Only one doctor stepped a foot or so out of her specialty and tried to help Kelsey and that simple act made her a hero to us.  But, even that was a short lived advocacy.  Overall, the doctors only want to diagnose within their specialty which meant that they never really looked at over all causes of Kelsey’s symptoms.  They wanted us to believe that she contracted all of those diagnoses separately at the same time.  How can people who are so smart be so ridiculous?  Tim kept saying through the whole thing that there has to be one cause.  It is the difference, I believe, in the mindset of a trouble-shooter vs. a “diagnoser.”

Then my brother-in-law, Mark (aka New Mark; aka Assimilated Mark), said, “Look into Lyme disease.”  I knew we had already tested twice for Lyme with the results being negative.  Plus, honestly, by that time I was sick of being told to chase what seemed to be wild geese.  So, I did nothing.  A couple of weeks passed and Angela asked again if I looked into and I had to say no and she encouraged me to do so.  A week later, still with me doing nothing, a friend at work, Darla, asked me about Kelsey and she made a connection to her friend who had Lyme disease.  I told her Kelsey had been tested and was negative and she said that didn’t matter and said to go to a Chinese medicine lady in Greenville.  So, Tim took Kelsey.  The lady found Lyme and made recommendation for Dr. Wilson.  Tim, to this day, is still skeptical about this lady but the end result is still the same.  During this time, I also met with someone who has Lyme and she also suggested Dr. Wilson for Kelsey.  Do you see the paths lining up?

We went to Dr. Wilson and he confirmed Lyme through specialized testing and we started treatment.  It took three months before we saw any significant improvement.  Just at that time is when Tim and Kelsey went to the Mayo Clinic, who disagrees with chronic Lyme disease in general.  Their conclusion after a week of testing and consults was, “We are at the end of discovery and need to move on to recovery.”  In other words, “We don’t know what the hell the she has so let’s just learn to deal with it.”  Um, no.  We decided to stay on the path with Dr. Wilson.

Ten months after the start of treatment, it finally ended.  And now, three months after that, Kelsey is so good it is practically unbelievable.  She has moved from “bizarre and complex” to “miraculous” according to Dr. Linder.  I couldn’t agree more.  Yesterday, she ran 3.2 miles, she has decided to start eating healthier, and is even writing a blog (www.ablessedrunner.blogspot.com).  She homeschools and works 25-30 hours a week being a nanny for two boys (2 years old, and 2 months old).

Certainly I have seen God working in the last 3 ½ years.  What I see in this story is God leading the way to diagnosis.  I sure wish He would have done it a lot sooner.  But, like the old saying goes, “I have my plan, but God has His.”  I got a glimpse of that perfect timing last week when I read Kelsey’s first blog.  She wrote, “I know all too well what it is like to not have the ability to run but to be honest I wouldn’t take back what happened for anything.”  I asked her why and she explained that she loves her life now and if it hadn’t been for the illness, her life would be incredibly different.  God’s timing, not mine.  God’s plan, not mine.  Which brings me back to my mantra/prayer for the last 3 ½ years: “Into your hands, O Lord.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmUGekcTuLM

Storm Shelter

October 23, 2013

Having never had a pet growing up, except rabbits for a short time and two hamsters named Timothy I and Timothy II, I was never that into the love of pets.  I never thought of them as parts of a family.  Even when I had a dog 20 years ago, she didn’t have that special place in my heart.  But, this dog, my Sophie, is different.  She is special not just because of her very sweet personality but also because of what she has done for our family.  She brought laughter, joy, and diversion at a time when we really needed it.

Since Friday morning at 4am, she has been really sick with vomiting and the runs.  She is in a lot of pain and refuses to be picked up.  I think the pressure on her stomach or chest is too much for her.  She is so pitiful and she refuses to eat or drink water.  If only dogs could talk, it would be so much easier.  But, in lieu of that, we have to glean from her behavior how she is feeling.  We have found that when she is feeling bad, she is cuddly which is not a usual characteristic for her.  She also just stays very close to me or Kelsey.  When she is not feeling well, she is very mopey or droopy and she will sit right next to you, even lean on you.  It’s like she is saying, “I’m so sick and I need you to make me feel better” or “I’m so sick and being with you and you petting me makes me feel better.”  It really is pitiful.

I know it is a bit of a cheesy metaphor, especially if you are not a person who loves their dog.  It strikes me how she turns to her master for comfort.  She seeks to be by my side, to touch me, to feel my touch and love.  The obvious metaphor is seeking God in times of distress.  Do I look to Him when I am stressed or sick?  Do I seek Him when I need strength or comfort?  Do I run to him when I need shelter in the storm?  Unfortunately, far too often God is not my first “go-to.”  Shoot, too often He is the last one I seek.  Of course, I can still rationalize this and say that God still makes the list even if He is last but, really, that is ridiculous.  He is my “strong tower” and I am among his righteous.  If I am in the middle of a storm, I need to get to the safest place possible.  Don’t take cover in the backyard shed; run to the storm shelter.  In that shelter is peace, love, strength, comfort, and support.

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.”
~ ~ Prov. 18:10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLYnN3rRC1Q

Shame is to Blame

October 14, 2013

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping lately.  There are times when I have trouble falling asleep but once I do, I usually sleep well.  I don’t usually even dream much.  But the last five or six nights have not been great.  The first night I attributed it to too much caffeine at night.  That has happened a few times before and my sleep was fitful and it often felt like I had not even been to sleep even though I had.  So, I cut out the nighttime caffeine.  But it didn’t help.  Last night, it took over an hour to just fall asleep and then it was again another fitful, dream-filled night.

This morning, as I sat reading a book because my appointment no-showed, I was reading a chapter about anxiety and I realized that all of my dreams this past week are anxiety-ridden.  That’s unusual for me too but it certainly matches with the feeling that I can’t turn my brain off at night.  As I sit and analyze myself trying to figure out what is going on, I also realize that a lot of my thoughts over the last few days are centered on the sexual abuse and all the emotions I had while Kelsey was sick.  More specifically, I am remembering all of my breakdown moments.

It seems so morbid sometimes the things I get focused on.  Sometimes, I am able to come to conclusion on why I am focused on it which, of course, then resolves it.  So, I am wondering why it is happening this time.  I think it is fair to say that it started with participating in a Celebrate Recovery Step Study group.  In working through the inventory, I was drawn to think about how the abuse truly affected me and when I think about the pain I went through and held in, sadness envelopes me.  Perhaps then it is a natural extension to go from remembering that pain to remembering the pain of my precious daughter’s illness.

So many people told me how strong I am to go through what we have been through.  I often heard comments like, “I don’t know how you came through it so well” and “I just don’t know how you do it.”  To this day, my first thought in response is always, “You don’t know my breakdown moments.  You didn’t see me then.”  There was so much you didn’t see.  You didn’t see me cry all night in my sister’s arms.  You didn’t see me on the phone to my other sister crying and yelling obscenities mostly aimed at God.  You didn’t see me all those nights in bed crying myself to sleep with Tim hanging on to me.  You didn’t see me the night I left Kelsey in the hospital, crying so hard that my sister talked me home on the phone.  You didn’t see me in the backyard at midnight beating a dead tree with a bat.

I don’t like talking about those times.  So much so that my stomach is in knots just writing about it…and knowing that you are reading it.  It feels like a weakness, a deficiency.  It feels bad.  The problem is that what I know contradicts what I feel.  I know those breakdown moments were my relief valves.  Venting allowed me to pick my head up off the pillow the next day and carry on.  I also know that venting to God, even the ugly words I yelled, at least kept me in a relationship with Him.  I didn’t shut Him out.

When I first started writing this, I was seeing the lesson as “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:9-10) as well as the purpose and benefit of sharing pain, but I now see that that is not the right lesson at all.  What I see now is the shame that I was running from…the shame of having breakdown moments.  I even told my class just this morning that “Shame only lives in darkness and secrets.”  Brene Brown, my new favorite current author, says when you feel shame, you have to run to your best, safest person and tell them all about it.  Otherwise, the shame will take root.

Now that I have shared my breakdown moments, the shame is weakened.  I didn’t even have to publish it for it to do its good work.  In the two days since I first wrote this, I am sleeping better.  Confession is so good for the soul and so deadly to shame!

Moving Out of the Colony

October 9, 2013

I heard a great sermon this past Sunday.  It was about how Jesus reached out to the leper and healed him and how we should be reaching out to everyone around us, especially the outcasts.  After all, we are all lepers in some way, shape, or form.  For me, a great way to gauge the effectiveness of a sermon is to see if it comes up for me again during the week or even later.

Sure enough, it came up for me this morning.  In biblical times, the leper had to shout warning to anyone approaching, “Unclean!  Unclean!”  If you touched a leper, you too were considered unclean and had to remain separate from the masses.  What occurred to me, though, is that so many people are still shouting “Unclean!” to those around them.  You won’t usually hear it verbally but you will see it in their mannerisms, their choices, their demeanors, and their actions.  It is that person whose shame keeps them separated and in their own leper colony.  It is that person whose self-worth is so low that they tell the world “I am unworthy to be around you.”  It is that person who thinks so poorly of himself that his anger acts as both his shield and dagger.

My thinking then carried on to wondering if the leper that Jesus healed had to work to stop warning people by shouting, “Unclean!” when someone approached him.  It seems to me that would be a habit that you would have to work to break.  I would think it was an automatic reaction when people started to walk up to him.  Even though Jesus healed him of his leprosy, I am willing to bet he still struggled with this.

Likewise, when there was healing with regards to my abuse, like when God helped me forgive my grandmother, I still had to work against some specific triggers.  Even when I received healing in the form of understanding my identity in Christ, I still had to work to receive a compliment instead of my automatic response of discounting it.

It has indeed been a blessed week.  God has shown me through an excellent sermon and some revelation that even though healing occurs, you still have to choose and work to live outside of the leper colony.

Are You Trippin'?

October 5, 2013

A couple of weeks ago we went on our 20^th annual Sister Trip.  This first started as Sister Day when I was pregnant with Aron.  Angela, Allyson, and I spent the day together seeing a movie, eating out, and just being together.  This grew into many years of skiing and Kelly became our fourth sister.  Through the years there have been others who joined us too.  We have done other things too like going to Nashville, a spa, a couple of cruises, and this year we went to the Women of Faith conference in Dallas.

I remember sitting in the American Airlines Center arena thinking, “The old ladies are too old for skiing and now we are going spiritual.”  I wasn’t thinking that in a negative way, I was just acknowledging that this is where we are at now.  Then I realized that our trips have always been spiritual.

I have so many fantastic and funny memories from our trips.  So many times, it was my favorite trip of the year because it was just fun to get away with my sisters and laugh!  Seeing Angela face plant as she tried to get on a ski lift, or seeing Carol get stuck straddling a rock while on her skis, or all the wrong turns we have taken like ending up on tiny dirt roads going 65 mph or me missing a major turn and going to the wrong state, twice!  The four of us singing on the ski lift and Kelly and I skiing fast are heartwarming for me.  We’ve had other adventures like getting snowed in at Amarillo or me being so sick with a migraine I had to go to the ER.  Or, the time that Allyson’s luggage was blown off the roof of the suburban by a passing 18-wheeler and it rolled down the highway and into a ditch like a Samsonite commercial.

Brene Brown, in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,” defines spirituality as “recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.  Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”  This is the power and the gift of Sister Trip to me.

So, really, we aren’t the old ladies who have gone spiritual just because we chose to go to a Christian Women’s event.  We’ve been spiritual all along because we are all bound by “a power greater than all of us” and we are “grounded in love and compassion” which always “brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”  My spirit is enriched, lifted, joined with my sisters no matter what we are doing.  I am so incredibly blessed.

For your listening enjoyment, here is a video of 12,000 women at the conference singing “Amazing Grace” acapella.

Not a Coincidence

September 12, 2013

“The Message” satellite radio station often has sound bites that are catchy phrases about the Christian faith.  As I was driving to work this morning, I heard one that stuck with me because it was associated with something I had talked about last night.  It said, “The Christian faith isn’t about being good enough.  It’s about trusting the One who makes you good enough.”

In my experience, the vast majority of problems come from two sources: lack of forgiveness of self or others and not fully grasping the concept of identity in Christ.  The latter affects self-worth.  Robert McGee in his book, “The Search for Significance,” explains that people often fall into the performance trap.  That trap is best illustrated as a mathematical equation:

My performance + other’s opinions = self-worth

When a person lives according to this formula, they are not living according to what God thinks of them.  Helping people understand that God unconditionally loves them and wholly accepts them just as they are is a large part of my job.  When it happens, when they really get it, growth is exponential.  It is so cool to see the transformation!

When I got to the office, I was a few minutes early for a meeting.  Usually when I have a few extra minutes, I will waste it doing something on the internet or pull out a book and read a few pages.  Today, I uncharacteristically just pulled out my Bible and decided to read something from it.  My first thought was to go to Eph. 3:20-21 because it is one of my current favorite passages.  But I thought, “I have a few minutes so I will read the whole chapter and put it in context.”  When I got to verses 14-19, it opened up to me.

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.”

Wow!  There is so much packed into this prayer!  I can’t possibly unpack it all here but two things stand out today.  First, Paul’s prayer is for the Ephesians to really GET identity in Christ.  Secondly, it talks about how we are “strengthened with power through His Spirit.”

These two points are impactful for me today not because they are new to me.  Rather, they stand out because of the timing which some would call coincidence but I call “God-incidence.”  I don’t believe in coincidences.  The first point of identity in Christ is timely because of the sound bite I heard on the radio which stuck with me because I had just had a conversation with Tim about it the night before.  The second point about the Holy Spirit ties directly to what our Bible study group talked about last night.

In other words, last night I studied with my Bible study group about the role of the Holy Spirit and how it energizes us and gives us strength.  Then late last night, Tim and I had a conversation about self-worth and identity in Christ.  Then, I heard the “good enough” sound bite on the radio this morning.  Then, I unusually pulled out my Bible to pass a few minutes and happened to read a passage that reinforces all of that.  Yeah, it’s just a coincidence.

Strong Enough

September 5, 2013

It’s not too often that I feel slow on the uptake but tonight is definitely one of those times.  Let me back up a little first.

This morning I was blessed to sleep in just a little and then swim.  I always set the stereo system to Christian music on Pandora and put it on the patio speakers so I have that as background music while I swim.  Just as I turned it on a song started and the opening lyric caught my attention.

“You must
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through”

My first thought was, “I’ve said that before.”  During Kelsey’s illness I said it more than once to God and honestly, it was usually with a sarcastic tone.  Yes, my sarcasm even shows up in my conversations with God.  (Yes, I hear your gasps!  Oh, that’s sarcastic too.)  I’ve even told it to others as some form of encouragement.  I feel ashamed of that now because it is so lame!  The sarcasm would come out in my conversations with God about it because if this is what I get for being strong, then I want to be incredibly weak.  I don’t want to be strong

My second thought was, “No!  God doesn’t think we are strong.  He knows He is strong.”  Then I got busy thinking about that and skimming the pool of the suicidal wasps.  I didn’t hear the rest of the song.  But I thought about it during my swim time and off and on during the rest of my day.  So, I sat down tonight to figure out who sang it and listen to the rest of the song.  It is “Strong Enough” by Matthew West.  Of course, the rest of the song was the same conclusion I drew.  Hence, feeling like I’m slow on the uptake today.  It’s as if I haven’t heard Phil. 4:13 a bazillion times already.  That’s ok though because I’d rather have the Aha! moment.  It’s more fun and the lesson tends to stick with me better this way.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
~ Phil. 4:13

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knuHDPbE5es

In His Steps

Aug. 13, 2013

Two weeks ago, my husband (Tim) and son went on Trek with the church high school and college group.  I’m always excited for them on these trips because I know they both love hiking the mountains in Colorado and it is always a great faith builder for them.  My prayer for them this year was that the mountain would be so challenging that they would have to know that they could only do it with God’s help.  Of course, I prayed for their safety too.

When they returned to base camp, I got a call from Tim and he told me he had come back with a story that he came up with that he wanted to tell me and the kids.  If you know Tim, that is an unusual comment from him.

To top that off, he not only told us the story, he wrote it down.  Here is it is. 

I was really scared to backpack down the mountain due to my back. I had injured my back a few years ago and had physical therapy for bulging discs in my lower back. For the most part, I am good and just need to keep my core body strong to keep the spine stabilized. On this trip, though, I had a very difficult time hiking down from summit with only a day pack. It seemed going downhill was jarring my back quite a bit on this trip causing me quite a bit of pain.

When we started hiking down from high camp with full packs I somehow started out right behind the guide in the very front. As I tried to keep up with the guide I stumbled a few times but then I realized I could try walking in his steps which should be solid since he was carrying a heavier load and had much more experience than me.

I started stepping in his exact steps and was doing great. It was easier on my back.  I was having no issues. I was moving fast and staying with the guide. We were moving much faster than the rest of the group and had to wait a couple of times for the group. It seemed so easy. I did stumble a few times but with the guide so close it was easy to get back into step with him. He also gave me instruction to just look for solid ground and to trust my steps and just move. With this instruction, keeping him close and walking in his footsteps, I continued to feel strong and confident.

As we continued down the mountain I stayed strong and confident. As others followed behind I

felt confident in my steps and was comfortable in leading as long as I was following in the guide's footsteps.

All of a sudden things changed. Due to some fallen trees we had to get off the trail. When I got back on the trail I was not behind the guide any longer. I had lost sight of him. I really wanted to be back in the lead walking behind the guide. That is where I felt strong and confident. As we continued, I was doing OK by remembering his instruction, "Look for solid ground to step on and just move; trust your step."  As I hiked, though, I seemed to start stumbling more. I would remember his instruction and do better for a little bit but I continued to get more timid and stumble more as I went down the mountain with no sight of the guide. The guide seemed so far away and I did not pursue working my way back to him.  I seemed to be getting content just where I was. It seemed easier to just keep the same pace even though I was struggling. I was going to have to work harder to get back close behind the guide and I was having difficulty mentally thinking I was capable of doing so.

I decided to watch the person in front of me in order to learn from their steps hoping to avoid loose rocks. Between the help of the person in front of me and the guides instructions, I did OK again for a little bit but then started to rely totally on the person in front of me since the guide seemed to be so distant and I had not kept him close. I ended up getting too close to the person in front of me and started making the same mistakes as the person I was following. I began to get timid again and stumbling much more.

I realized I needed to stop following so close to the person in front of me so I backed off. I still struggled   since I had not worked to get closer to my guide. I found myself falling behind and soon was alone on the trail. There were hikers out of sight in front of me and hikers behind me which I could not see or hear. I started feeling alone. My mind was telling me I could stop and rest and get a drink. It would be OK. I seemed to be getting much more tired than I was before and I seemed to concentrate on my tired muscles and difficulty breathing. I then decided I did not want to be alone.  I waited for the hikers and got a drink of water while waiting. They soon caught up and I started hiking again. I did much better hiking with others supporting me and fellowshipping with fellow hikers. We continued on down the mountain. I continued to struggle though.  We soon caught up with the rest of the group who was waiting on us.  We took a quick water break and I took the opportunity to get back close to our guide.

We soon continued down the mountain and now I found renewed sense of confidence and strength now that I was back close to the guide and following in his footsteps. As long as I kept the guide close and followed in his footsteps I knew I would be fine.

Corporate Work That I Like

July 30, 2013

Last week I saw God work corporately.  A while back a colleague and friend asked me to paint a bible verse on her office wall.  Of course, I said, "Of course!"  She wasn't sure what verse to do though.  So I waited.  She had a lot of other things on her mind and I'm sure it wasn't a top priority for her.  So I waited.

A month or two ago, Isaiah 41:10 came up for me and I thought of her wall.  It came up again over a week ago and I mentioned it to her.  When she heard that it had come up twice for me for her, she agreed that was the verse to do. 

It just so happened that last Thursday I had a very light counseling schedule and she was out of the office to tend for her son who was receiving migraine treatment in the hospital.  So it presented as the perfect day to do the job.  Sherie helped by emptying the desk and helping me move it.  I painted the verse and we put it all back together again.

I was going to surprise her with the job done when she returned to work on Monday but Sherie said I should send her a pic because she might appreciate it on this day in the hospital.  So I did.

Boy did it hit home!  The time at the hospital had been so frustrating due to horrible planning by the doctor and reading that particular verse was comforting to her.

I call this a corporate effort by God because I believe He gave the verse to me to use.  However, after that I just focused on the art of it.  I lost sight of the meaning.  I don't know if Sherie's suggestion came from knowing that the actual verse would be comforting or if she just thought Cecily would like to see the finished product.  I'm not sure it matters. What does matter is that Cecily ultimately was comforted by God's word delivered to her in a way that only God can orchestrate.  That, in my book, is pretty cool.

Swimming in the Clear Blue Water

June 12, 2013

When we built the pool, my main requirement was for it to be large enough that people didn’t have to get out of the way for someone to dive in.  I didn’t want to have to yell, “Watch out!  I’m fixing to dive in!”  So the pool is big: half diving pool and half wading pool.  But, I remember well the day the builder and all the workers came to start building the pool.  They staked out the vertices and then took a can of spray paint and drew out the curves creating the outline of the pool on the ground.  It looked small.  Forty-four feet (the second largest pool in the neighborhood; the only bigger pool is the builder’s) looked small.  So I had all the workers, my builder, and Tim and I stand within the boundaries to try to get a better feel for it.  I looked at the builder and said, “I don’t know, I think it’s too small.”  His head jerked around and he looked at me like I was crazy.  So, on faith, I took Tim’s and the builder’s assurance that it was big enough and that it would look bigger once construction starts.

They were right.  It’s a big pool.  And I’m constantly reminded of it when I am swimming in those glorious 34,000 gallons of clear blue water.  It takes 34,000 gallons of water to fill that hole.  I started to realize that I didn’t know just how big that hole was until I started digging.  And, if I would have filled it with anything other than water it would not be a swimming pool.

As I dig into myself because I am always under construction, I often realize the hole is much bigger than I thought.  And that is OK.  It’s just part of the process of growing.  As I think about holes and repentance, I know I have to fill the hole in me with God.  Today, I read a quote (by Mark Cahill in “One Thing You Can’t Do In Heaven”) that the Hebrew word for “repent” literally means to “burn down the house and salt the field.”  A salted field is useless.  It cannot produce anything.  In other words, when you truly repent, there is nothing to return to.  When the pool was built, the dirt was removed from the ground and hauled off in dump trucks.  Once the hole was dug, we didn’t refill it with the same dirt.  We didn’t fill it with concrete .  We filled it with water.  We filled it with what it was designed to be filled with.  Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a swimming pool.

I’ve tried filling my hole with other things.  All that did is to take me further away from my original design.  So I am working to change and am learning to fill my hole with the living water.  I am loving swimming in the clear blue water.

“Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.  Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.”

~ Rev. 3:19-20

In My Place

June 6, 2013

I’ve been out of the office for over a week and a half.  We had a holiday weekend plus I taught a mini-mester class at DBU.  When I came back to the office, most people commented on my tan.  It’s my normal beginning of the summer tan and most people who have known me for longer than a couple years know I tan easily. 

It feels so good to be back in the pool.  Last summer, we hardly used to the pool.  Kelsey was so sick she couldn’t kick hard enough to keep her head above water.  Kelsey swims like a fish and dives beautifully.  But not last summer.  So, it just didn’t feel right for me to swim while she layed inside on the couch in pain.  Call it a bit of survivor’s guilt, or whatever, but it just felt so unfair for me to be in the pool and for Kelsey not to be able to.  Yes, she could lay on a float in the pool but that is like suggesting to a gymnast to be satisfied and have fun with just doing somersaults on the floor mat.

This is a new year!  Kelsey is doing so much better and she is enjoying the pool again.  Me too.  I’ve been spending more time swimming laps.  One mile is about thirty minutes of laps in my pool.  I’m up to twenty five minutes.  I’ve never done well in this kind of exercise because I get bored mentally and then the time crawls by so slowly that I always end up quitting.  This time is different, though.  I’m spending this time simply praying and praising God.  Taking my cue from the Psalms, I praise God by naming His qualities.

I habit I started without much conscious thought is to pray first and praise second.  It feels so right in that order for a couple of reasons.  First, this way I land on the positive.  While I fully acknowledge that petition prayers are a positive thing, I also know that, for me, they are largely the reminders of what aren’t great right now.  But to name God’s qualities and characteristics…wow … what a boost!  It reminds me who is in control and how I know He is in control.  It reminds me that God can and does handle my prayers.  It reminds me that He loves me and sees me.  It reminds me that I am important to God.  Praising God in this way keeps God in His place and me in mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjmZ2v0niCI

 

Learning to be a Caged Bird

May 25, 2013

Last night, I sat and watched a recorded episode Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday with Maya Angelou (part 2).  I love listening to Maya speak because she speaks lyrically ( I love her word choices) and with such wisdom.  Within the last year, I finally read one of Maya’s books that has long been on my list of books to read, “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.”  It was not what I expected but interesting just the same. 

I read the book with great anticipation to understanding the title of the book.  I wanted to know why the caged bird sings.  But, me and poetry don’t get along.  Nine times out of ten (and I’m being generous) I don’t get the symbolism in poetry.  I remember in high school freshman English asking Ms. Clancy, “How do you know that poem isn’t really just about buildings in a cityscape?  Why does it have to have a deeper meaning?”  So, the caged bird reference was no different for me.

But last night, Oprah asked Maya, “Why does the caged bird sing?”  Yay!!  Maya answered, “Because it must.”  She went on to explain that the free bird sings of the things he does and can get but the caged bird sings his “fearful trill” for the freedom his heart longs for.  The free bird takes for granted his freedom and all the trappings that come with it but the caged bird sings his song so beautifully because it is his heart’s deepest longing.

As I continue to look back over the journey of Kelsey’s illness for the last three years, I recognize that in the times of the depths of my despair, I was standing on “the grave of dreams.”  But, unlike the caged bird, I didn’t open my “throat to sing.”  Instead, I resented losing some of the things that I so took for granted: health, freedom to do what you wanted and when, the gleam of life in my daughter’s eyes, and just plain ol’ normal life.  I think, I hope, that this is one of the areas that I have grown in my faith: to praise God all the time, especially when I have to rise above my circumstances to do it.

The caged bird sings because he must.  Because, the alternative is a pit of despair and loneliness.  Because, in his singing, he is free.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Renewing and Transforming

May 14, 2013

The truth is I’ve been a bit blocked in my writing lately.  Perhaps my work schedule is worrying me more than it should.  It is a bit hard to admit because I’ve never really been worried about it before.  I’ve always stood solidly on the ground that God is in control of my schedule and He will bring to me the people that I need to see and that need to be seen.  If I am to be truly honest, I have to confess that I am struggling with a touch of depression.  It is something that I have had periodically for most of my life.  That is probably adding a bit to my block also. 

In the past, if I had a lull in my counseling load, there usually ended up being a reason.  Sometimes, I needed a break to refresh.  Sometimes, it freed me to go to doctors’ appointments.  Sometimes, bad things happened that I needed time off from work.  The cause has always been fairly evident.

The last few weeks have been light and now this week is looking bleak.  It makes me wonder what is ahead.  But as this continues on, I have to also admit that Satan and negative thinking are starting to work on me.  Doubts about myself are creeping in just a little.  I step back from those thoughts and acknowledge that I am no different than I was a month ago.  But having those doubts is unsettling.

Is it contradictory to say that I know God is in control of my schedule after just admitting to having self-doubt?  My initial answer is no, it’s not.  If there is one thing I’ve learned over the last few years it is that God is always with me and that He is in control.  The “but” to that statement is that I have to move too.  I have to take steps.  So, as a responsible counselor, I have to look at what I am doing as well as how I am doing it and why.  It’s a process that easily opens myself up to self-doubt.

I am reminded of Romans 12:2 which says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is.”  I am reminded of it because it is written on the wall above my head and I saw it as I sat back thinking about this.  That whole thing about writing it on the doorposts as mentioned in Deuteronomy works!

I am also reminded of that verse because we just talked about it in Bible class Sunday morning.  I liked the analogy that being transformed is much like metamorphosis.  Much like a caterpillar morphs into a beautiful butterfly, so must my worldly self morph into a holy self.  This process is caused by the renewing (notice that it is an –ing word) of the mind.  You have to renew your mind in order to be transformed so that you can prove the will of God. 

So, the application for me is that I have to diligently fight the thoughts of self-doubt and the negative thoughts that are more prevalent when depression is near knowing that this process changes me and brings me closer to the One I want to emulate.  And, then, when I am near to Him, I will feel his leading and rest in the plan He has for me.

So Far To Come and So Far To Go

May 2, 2013

In our Bible study, we are studying about how God can bring us “so far.”  In other words, He can bring us further than we ever could of our own accord.  In the study, we were asked to place ourselves along a continuum rating our progress of growth from “Can’t see any progress” to “A little progress” to “Significant progress” to “So far.”  My first circle was at “significant progress” because I thought, “I still have so far to go.”  But, when I looked back over my life, I realized that I’d come “so far” and that it was only by the hand of God.

One area that I’ve come so far in is flexibility.  It used to drive me nuts to have my plans changed.  Once I made plans, they were set in stone.  We used to have friends that would never plan the weekend more than a couple of days in advance and that was so frustrating to me!  I wanted to know what I was doing, what I could plan on.  Being married to Tim, who used to work in tech support, really challenged me in this area.  Plans changed constantly because he would get a call to go work.  It wasn’t a change I willingly succumbed to.

For me, the most memorable line in the movie, “The American President,” starring Annette Bening, Michael Douglas, and Michael J. Fox, came from Fox’s character who was telling the President, “I tell my girlfriends that all plans are soft until I confirm 30 minutes before.”  It represents a way that I had to learn to live.  Looking back, I see that I was in training.  Even before I knew God, He was working in my life to bring me so far.  He brought Tim to me and one result of that is me having to learn flexibility.  Looking at it now, I can see that there is an art to being flexible.  Going with the flow, taking things in stride takes grace.

That very grace allows me to take a step back, not get so frustrated, and wait to see what God has planned for me.  For instance, when my schedule at work gets light, instead of worrying about it, I wait to see what happens because so often it opens at just the right point to allow for an unexpected event.  One great example was this morning.  Early this morning, at 5 am, I awake from a nightmare that was quite upsetting.  I managed to go back to sleep until my alarm went off at 7:00 but I was still reeling from the nightmare.  I remember thinking, “If I had an office job, I’d call in sick this morning.”  But I don’t and I had three appointments this morning and three after lunch.  It’s really not an easy thing to reschedule appointments.  So I went to work.  As it turned out, my second and third appointments no-showed me.  That used to be so much more frustrating to me.  But today, was one of those times when I knew it was working in my favor.  It gave me time to reorient my mind.

Then a colleague brought me flowers just to say she appreciated me.  And then I went to lunch with a friend.  All three things worked together to get me back on track.  I see God’s hand in every step of this: Tim, learning to be more flexible, learning to trust that God has plans for me, and encouragement from friends.  Who else could orchestrate such things?  By the grace of God, I have come so far.

“Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?”
~ ~ 2 Sam. 7:18

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
~ ~ Jer. 29:11-13

Three Strands, One Lesson

April 25, 2013

Once again, God has taught me something new this week first by giving me the information and then by letting me experience it.  It is a three part lesson that involves a TV clip, a moment of communion, and affirmation.

Earlier this week, I heard something on TV that totally stuck with me: The AHA! moment happens when spirit is talking to spirit in truth.  Those light bulb moments when you really, truly get it in a way that you never have before is when the spirit of truth from someone else is speaking to my spirit.

Wednesday night, at the very end of Bible study class, one of the ladies shared a struggle she has had over the last year with someone near and dear to her.  He is experiencing anger with God for certain situations in his life.  He fights himself every week, bad mood and all, to come to church but then is always happy he came by the time he leaves.

I knew I wanted to talk to her after class but I wasn’t sure what to say to her.  As I sat across from her, the words of encouragement and claiming victory over Satan’s attacks flowed.  I remember looking straight into her eyes and hers connected with mine and the thought that “our eyes are the window to our souls” crossed my mind.  I felt a deep connection and I think she did, too.  In reflecting on that moment in addition to what I had learned earlier in the week about the AHA moment, I see now that the deep connection I felt was our spirits connecting.  Our spirits communed in that moment.

I remember at the end of the conversation she said, “Wow, tonight I got two lessons.  One during class and one after.”  My thought, “Something just happened here.”

I struggle a lot with telling stories like this because I am scared they sound boastful.  I feel like I’m bragging that I’m something special that God uses me in this way, both professionally and personally.  But, as another one near and dear to me today said, “God works in this world but He uses people to do that work.  God used you today.”  So, I am going to claim it.  Not because I am great but because I know God uses the smallest, the least, to do His work.  That’s how I know all the glory belongs to Him.

Kind of Like David

April 17, 2013

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been studying about anointing with my Bible study group.  So, it’s been on my mind.  I have learned a lot.  I’ve always had a bad connotation about anointing because it seemed overused and even improperly used.  But, I’m learning.

Priscilla Shirer, in her book, “Anointed Transformed Redeemed,” defined anointing as “a divine enablement to accomplish a divine task or a supernatural empowering to accomplish supernatural goals.”  I get this definition when I think about David and how he was anointed to be king and how, under that anointing, he was able to kill lions and bears and Goliath, not to mention his warrior skills.  But, even with being anointed, he had to go through training.  He was kept in service to his father being a shepherd, to Saul being a musician and armor bearer, and to his brothers serving them while they were at the battle front.  1 Chron. 14:2 says that God established David as king over Israel.  He specifically selected him and established him.  He chose him and then gave him what he needed to do the job.

But how does that apply to me?  That was the question in my mind this past week.  And it was answered in a most unexpected way.  I was the recipient of a letter of appreciation for being impactful in someone’s life.  As she recounted the ways I’d helped her, I sat there remembering those moments.  They stood out equally for me not because I understood the impact they were having but because it was moments I knew I was following God’s leading.  One moment in particular stands out when, through her deep emotion, I spoke the words, “You are loved.  You are beautiful.  You are loveable.”  I remember feeling slightly awkward in saying those words not because I felt they were untrue.  Rather, it felt more like someone else’s words.

At the risk of sounding horribly arrogant, I see now that my ability is all an anointing to do God’s work.  Much like David, I have had many years of training (although mine are half as many as his) but ultimately, I need God’s anointing and establishing for it all to work.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time….After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.  To Him be dominion forever and ever.  Amen.”

                                          ~ 1 Peter 5:6, 10-11