Looking For God's Hand

Fall 2011

Kelsey passed out the first time in May, 2010.  It marked the beginning of a medical mystery, a whole lot of frustration, and even more worry and concern.  After one doctor proved ineffective (I’m being kind), we started down a trail of proactively searching for the right doctors and the right answers.

Too often, it is difficult for me to see God working in situations.  I purposefully have to make looking for Him a priority on a day-to-day basis or I begin to feel increasingly distant from God.  When it comes to me dealing with on-going stressors, this is particularly true.  Kelsey’s health issues are a great example of that.  Where is God in all this?  There is no miraculous healing occurring.  At this point, there isn’t even a progression of healing really.  It gets discouraging and frustrating.  I’ve cried myself to sleep begging for God’s hand in this more times than I can count.  Really, it seems I’m begging all day long.  So, where is He?  Why is He so silent?

Recently, someone told me that God is silent during tests just like teachers are silent during tests.  Frankly, that just pisses me off.  This isn’t a test that God is giving us.  God isn’t the source of Kelsey’s illnesses.  If He is, then He is cruel and I don’t want any part of Him.  We live in a fallen world – a world filled with sin and depravity.  I believe that this world has been on a downhill slide of decay since Eve ate of the fruit.  We humans are human.  We sin in thought, word, and deed.  We hurt each other, ourselves, and the world we live in.  Illness is a part of that.  Our task is to see how God is glorified through it all.

Tim starting teleworking ("working from home" for all you non-government employees) part-time in the Fall of 2011 and, by December, 2011, he was working full-time from home.  During Christmas break, Kelsey began passing out more and more and feeling “off” for up to 41 ½ hours before passing out.  We no longer felt comfortable with her being left alone.  We were afraid for her safety.  Tim’s teleworking kept him at home with Kelsey.  When January came, I was really worried about sending Kelsey off to school.  How could we keep her safe?  She had already passed out at school before the break and got an ambulance ride to the hospital.  So, on days when she felt good, we sent her.  The other days, she stayed home.  Then the number of doctor visits and school absences really ramped up as we were now going through extensive neurological testing, POTS testing, exercise physiologist consultations, cardiologist follow ups every two weeks, blood testing, and PCP appointments.  Tim working from home gave us the flexibility to make all these appointments and for Kelsey to stay at home on the days when she is not feeling up to school.  If he weren’t teleworking, I am sure I would not have been able to continue my job.

Last Fall, I was informed that I did not have a class to teach for the Spring semester at DBU.  I was really disappointed because I love teaching as much as I love counseling.  Interacting with college students brings me joy.  Plus, teaching keeps my counseling skills and knowledge sharpened.  As I neared the end of the Fall semester in which I taught three classes, I began to realize just how tired I was.  Two of the classes had their unique challenges that took a lot out of me.  Plus, Kelsey’s health issues were a rapidly growing concern.

So, how do I see God’s glory in all of this?  Some people would say the timing of it all is just a coincidence.  I don’t believe in coincidences.  I believe in providence.  God worked it so that Tim could work from home at just the right time; not just so I could keep working but so Tim could be a bigger part in Kelsey’s care.  He loves his girl and wants so badly to be with her and love her through every second of this.  God also gave me rest – a Sabbath.  By not teaching this Spring, I’ve not had to battle extra conflicts in my schedule, my nights are filled with spending time with my children, researching things connected with her health issues, and just plain ol’ decompressing mindlessly in front of the TV.  I’ve had more time to look for how He is working in our lives during a time when He seems so silent.  I’ve had more time to pray which is important for one who usually feels far from God in times of stress and uncertainty.

God’s timing is indeed perfect.  I may not recognize it at the particular time, but when reflecting on events, when using hindsight, I see God working.  I have to continually and purposefully look for God’s hand in my life.  How else will I be able to reach out and grab it?

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.”
                                                                                            ~ Ps. 73:23

Sophie

End of June, 2011

For as long as I can remember, Kelsey has campaigned for a dog.  She LOVES dogs.

Audra:  “No, you can’t have a dog.  We are all allergic, well, except for you,”

Kelsey:  “But they’re so cuuuuuute.” (said in a non-whiny way)

By end of June, 2011, when Kelsey brought me the same request for the umpteenth time (plus her cousins just got a puppy too!), something was different for me.  I started to think about it.  I don’t know why but I started to feel like maybe it’s the right thing to do.  Kelsey’s unusual medical symptoms were increasing and something in me went against all logical reasoning and I began to think this was a good idea.  How can an untrained, excitable puppy help Kelsey in any real way?  Maybe, I thought, she could at least lick Kelsey’s face and help her wake up when she passed out.  Or, maybe Kelsey, because she had a puppy to think of, would pay better attention to what she was feeling and think to sit or lay down so she wouldn’t fall and hurt herself when she passed out.  The first reason holds more water but really Kelsey will wake up with or without a dog licking her face – and it would probably be less startling if she didn’t have something licking her.  The second reason makes even less sense because when Kelsey is at that point, she literally is not able to process cognitively.  Yet, those were the only reasons I had.  How does it make sense to knowingly make a decision that seems to be the right decision but have it based on reasons that make no logical sense?

Once I caved in and said “yes,” Tim was an easy target for Kelsey.  So, the search began.  Within one day we found a miniature schnauzer that was $100 cheaper than all the rest and it was even here in our little town.  What are the odds?  I told Tim that we are not getting the fun and playful puppy of the litter.  I did that once and I’m not making that mistake again!  No, we are getting the most timid, sedate one of the bunch.  There was one phantom and two salt-and-pepper puppies in this litter.  From the picture in the ad, we wanted the phantom so I hoped and prayed that she was the timid one.  She was.  We brought her home one week later.  During the week of waiting, we looked through lists of dog names and decided on Sophie just because it sounded good and we could all agree.

                                  

She’s not been a bit of help in helping Kelsey regain consciousness.  The pup has made no difference at all in Kelsey’s actions just before passing out.  But, she has done more for us than I could ever have imagined.  From the end of June to the present, Kelsey’s symptoms got a lot worse and our concern brought a higher level of stress to all of us.  Sophie provided us with a focus that healthily drew us away from Kelsey’s medical issues.  Sophie gave us great distraction in learning to train her.  Sophie gave us laughs as a family when we didn’t seem to be laughing as much as we did before.  And, best of all, Sophie gives Kelsey comfort.  It’s on those nights when Kelsey is lonely or discouraged that Sophie sleeps in bed with her.

Why did I listen to the voice of “unreason” and decide to get a dog?  Because I paid attention to the peace I felt about getting her when I was thinking about it.  It’s a peace that only makes sense if you are a Christian and know that God has plans for you that you don’t even know about.  Ps. 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.”  Some versions say “cease striving” instead of “be still.”  In other words, stop trying to do everything yourself.  Stop trying to figure it all out.  Stop trying to make sense of everything.  Stop and know who is in charge.  God knew exactly what we needed and when we needed it.  He knew the reasons.  And then He put all the pieces of the puzzle in place to make it happen.

Oh, recently I looked up what Sophie means – “Goddess of Wisdom.”  Hmmmm.

Zippety Do Dahl

1/5/2011

I teach at Dallas Baptist University.  If you have ever been there, you know it is an incredibly beautiful campus with an uplifting attitude of servant leadership throughout the faculty and student body.  It can also be a very prim and proper place.  That is certainly not a criticism, just an observation.  However, if you know me, you know the struggle that I may have to fit into that mold.  So, you would have to understand both the alarm and the hilarity of me realizing that I taught an entire class (last semester) with my zipper down.  Yes, you read that right.  Not just half way down, no, all the way down and gaping open when my hands are in my pockets (which is probably at least half the time).

It would be easy to think, “Well it must not have shown that much since no one said anything.”  But when it was the first person that I stopped and talked to after class who told me of my predicament, I have to discount that rationalization.  Bless her heart, she had to tell me three times.  The first time, I just didn’t hear her.  The second time, the alarm in my head must have been deafening my ears.  The third time just made me laugh both in embarrassment and in realizing the ridiculousness of it all.

I ended up using the event in my next class for a lively discussion answering the question, “Should you tell someone if their zipper is down, or if something else is embarrassingly wrong with their outfit?”  It was quite funny to see the shock on the faces of the students who had been in class on that day when I called them out for not saying anything to me.  The class was split in half, much like my zipper.  Ultimately, the class agreed on this answer: if it is something that is unquestionably unintentional, they would say something.  I can go for that.

So what is the point in writing about it here?  I’m not sure there is any bigger or deeper meaning to glean from this.  Maybe the point is to just laugh off the embarrassments and know that it is OK that I only fit in the mold God made for me.

He who strengthens me

Summer 2011

God’s timing is always perfect.  His lessons are often frustrating and gut-wrenching yet, in hindsight, I can see perfection in his methods.

Tim and the kids had left early one Saturday morning to spend a couple days dirtbiking.  Never one to get up early on a Saturday morning without a clearly defined purpose, I went back to bed and just dozed for a while when one of God’s gifts hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had a flashback that revealed a part of the abuse that I had thankfully forgotten for so long.  As a survivor and as a counselor, I know beyond certainty that the abuse is never the child’s fault.  Ever.  Period.  This memory though brought back some of that guilt and it screwed with my head.  And Tim was gone.  I was alone.  Too proud to call someone (because I should be over all this by now!), I stewed in it for most of the day.  Rachel came over, as we had planned a few days before, and we watched a couple of rented movies and talked.  It was all a good distraction for me from the memory I was avoiding but bedtime was coming too quickly and I was uncomfortable with being left alone with the memory.  Rachel sensed something in me and I shared with her what was going on.  I am her mentor, her mother figure in Texas.  It was a role reversal that felt both strange and comforting.  Her love for me was palpable, soothing, and encouraging.

We got up the next morning and went our separate ways to church.  She went to her church and I visited Oak Gardens Church of Christ with my dear friend, Alex.  The singing was so uplifting, I felt the joy of Christ in their souls even while my own soul was wrenched by an old wound.  The sermon that day was on Phil. 4:13 “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”  I wanted to respond to the altar call but I couldn’t move.  With tears streaming down my face, I understood the lesson God was teaching me.

God’s timing is perfect.  It sure didn’t seem that way when I experienced a flashback without Tim to support me through it.  God’s methods are perfect but it sure didn’t seem that way when I had to spend most of the day alone with a gaping wound.  Without Tim, I felt completely alone with my pain.  Rachel was able to comfort me through the night so that I could get to church and hear the message I needed to hear.  If Tim had been there, I would have never felt the utter aloneness that I needed to feel in order to hear the message.  God used Rachel to comfort me, to put a Band-Aid on a wound, until the true Healer could do His good work.  So, another lesson learned at the hand of God: LEAN ON GOD, LEAN ON THE ONE WHO STRENGTHENS ME.  Guess I wasn’t so alone after all.